Danger Is My Business
a noir hard-boiled detective story set in the late 40s25 total reviews
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Mystery Writer
Oh did we all enjoy Marlowe and the beautiful dame he was always entangled with. Your story is so entertaining and very much captures the essence of the the old, hard-boiled P.I back in the day. I would imagine this style has a captive audience which is still read. Some fresh blood may look good on the book stand. Who knows?
I've enjoyed your chapter very much and the fab image to complement it. Entertaining and very much in genre. I suppose my age group would remember the day and the fun of these works ... though for me, it was always the film version ... sorry to disappoint. Great opening line for those of us who loved Jimmy. Your dialogue is excellent, the tone of the chapter adds the intrigue and the characters are definitely in the right space. Great writing and I wish you the best in this contest ... quite a challenge for the voters and stiff competition for you. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxo
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2015
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Hi Mystery Writer
Oh did we all enjoy Marlowe and the beautiful dame he was always entangled with. Your story is so entertaining and very much captures the essence of the the old, hard-boiled P.I back in the day. I would imagine this style has a captive audience which is still read. Some fresh blood may look good on the book stand. Who knows?
I've enjoyed your chapter very much and the fab image to complement it. Entertaining and very much in genre. I suppose my age group would remember the day and the fun of these works ... though for me, it was always the film version ... sorry to disappoint. Great opening line for those of us who loved Jimmy. Your dialogue is excellent, the tone of the chapter adds the intrigue and the characters are definitely in the right space. Great writing and I wish you the best in this contest ... quite a challenge for the voters and stiff competition for you. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxo
Comment Written 15-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2015
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I am delighted you enjoyed this throwback, Lovinia, and truly appreciate your wonderful response to "Danger." Rod
Comment from Ric Myworld
I can't imagine why this story wouldn't still work with the number of boring detective writers who still flood the market. Personally, it's outstanding and a blast to read for me and I would sure like to read more. Of course, Robert Mitchum was one of my favorite actors, and the Marlow books and movies are still ingrained in my mind forever. Wish I had a sixer left. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2015
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I can't imagine why this story wouldn't still work with the number of boring detective writers who still flood the market. Personally, it's outstanding and a blast to read for me and I would sure like to read more. Of course, Robert Mitchum was one of my favorite actors, and the Marlow books and movies are still ingrained in my mind forever. Wish I had a sixer left. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2015
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I am delighted you enjoyed "Danger" so much, Ric, and truly appreciate your wonderful response to it. Rod
Comment from Clover77
Wonder, absolutely wonderful written prose. Very well done. I was hooked the whole time I read this. Best of luck in future writes
~Julia
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Wonder, absolutely wonderful written prose. Very well done. I was hooked the whole time I read this. Best of luck in future writes
~Julia
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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I am delighted you were hooked from start to finish. Thank you so much for sharing and your kind praise.
Comment from MsPetra
I read on to see where you were going with this. You took it to a good place.
The one issue I had with it is that it seemed to drag on. It was like he was pulling her teeth.
Why the confusing cat and mouse game. I didn't get it.
Why would she be coy and evasive when her life is obviously in danger too.
It seems as if you just wanted to create a period piece. The point to all stories is just that the story. There is more "noir" here than there is story.
Work on it some more. Condense what you have and focus on what the story is and write it.
Please keep writing. I will be looking forward to other offerings from you.
I also plan to revisit this offering to see if you worked on it a little more. It has great potential. I love "noir", especially when there is a good story attached to it.
Take care.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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I read on to see where you were going with this. You took it to a good place.
The one issue I had with it is that it seemed to drag on. It was like he was pulling her teeth.
Why the confusing cat and mouse game. I didn't get it.
Why would she be coy and evasive when her life is obviously in danger too.
It seems as if you just wanted to create a period piece. The point to all stories is just that the story. There is more "noir" here than there is story.
Work on it some more. Condense what you have and focus on what the story is and write it.
Please keep writing. I will be looking forward to other offerings from you.
I also plan to revisit this offering to see if you worked on it a little more. It has great potential. I love "noir", especially when there is a good story attached to it.
Take care.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Thank you for sharing my story, Ms. Petra, and for taking the time to closely read and explain EXACTLY where the story fell down for you. I am intrigued by the statement that "There is more 'noir' her than there is story." Indeed Mrs. Westlake is too coy and probably should have been less evasive. I am so pleased you will look forward to other offerings of mine. When the contest is over, fee free to browse my profile.
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I will. Thanks for the invitation.
Comment from mvbrooks
You've reached your goal of sounding like an early 20th century detective story.
With language like, "not the brown Maxwell Street special I wore six days out of seven," I could imagine Humphrey Bogart playing the lead role.
While the language can sound a bit cliche, the pacing of the story stops it from sounding corny.
Without a paragraph, the reader gets used to the character's speech pattern and comes along for the ride.
The imagery and description are consistent and rather effective.
The grammar, etc are clean.
It's a fun story to read, and yes, it is also intriguing.
Good luck with your next chapter.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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You've reached your goal of sounding like an early 20th century detective story.
With language like, "not the brown Maxwell Street special I wore six days out of seven," I could imagine Humphrey Bogart playing the lead role.
While the language can sound a bit cliche, the pacing of the story stops it from sounding corny.
Without a paragraph, the reader gets used to the character's speech pattern and comes along for the ride.
The imagery and description are consistent and rather effective.
The grammar, etc are clean.
It's a fun story to read, and yes, it is also intriguing.
Good luck with your next chapter.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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This review has made my day! You have commented on everything I strived to do: the characterization, the dialog, and the fast pace. I truly appreciate your sharing this one, and if I do continue it's because of reviews like this. Thank you!
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements beautifully. WOW - masterful execution as the story is riveting from beginning to end. I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought the ending brilliant as you could keep going with this one especially since you left us hanging off the cliff LOL. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you so much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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This meets the contest requirements beautifully. WOW - masterful execution as the story is riveting from beginning to end. I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought the ending brilliant as you could keep going with this one especially since you left us hanging off the cliff LOL. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you so much for sharing it.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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So pleased you enjoyed this one, MA. I am delighted you liked the ending and would like to read more.
Comment from ellie6
Nice piece of 'detective noir' fiction. I felt it could have moved a bit faster. If it morphs into a novel there is scope for a lot more action.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Nice piece of 'detective noir' fiction. I felt it could have moved a bit faster. If it morphs into a novel there is scope for a lot more action.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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I am delighted you enjoyed my noir hard-boiled detective story. I'll work on pacing in the next chapter where there will be more action.
Comment from lynglyng
Good job with a great story line that was easy to read and held my attention throughout. I thought you had great descriptive details and good dialogue that moved the story forward. Great job! Keep writing.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Good job with a great story line that was easy to read and held my attention throughout. I thought you had great descriptive details and good dialogue that moved the story forward. Great job! Keep writing.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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It's always fun to hear a reader say a story I wrote "was easy to read and held [my] attention throughout." Thanks for sharing and I will keep writing!
Comment from Jay Squires
I'm a fan of Raymond Chandler, myself. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.
Her smile turned upside down when I didn't respond.[I realize this is first person narrative and people speak in cliches, but this seems even too cliche for the character.]
"Who sent you?" [I like this, especially given his response before that, since it shows she would only have come to him if someone referred her.]
I scowled, remembering my old boss's suggestion. [What follows--the tightness, barebonesness of it tells me exactly who you are. Your secret's good with me, though ... Santa.]
Well done. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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I'm a fan of Raymond Chandler, myself. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.
Her smile turned upside down when I didn't respond.[I realize this is first person narrative and people speak in cliches, but this seems even too cliche for the character.]
"Who sent you?" [I like this, especially given his response before that, since it shows she would only have come to him if someone referred her.]
I scowled, remembering my old boss's suggestion. [What follows--the tightness, barebonesness of it tells me exactly who you are. Your secret's good with me, though ... Santa.]
Well done. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Thanks for keeping a secret, "Santa." I am delighted there's another Chandler fan out there and appreciate your sharing this bit of noir. You may be right about that smile-turned-upside-down line. Emulating a master is not easy. I truly appreciate the praise.
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You're funny ... Good luck.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I enjoyed reading, Danger Is My Business. It is a typical detective story from the 40s. I think you did an excellent job writing in this style
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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I enjoyed reading, Danger Is My Business. It is a typical detective story from the 40s. I think you did an excellent job writing in this style
Comment Written 13-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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So pleased you enjoyed this bit of noir, GBR. Thanks for sharing!