Loophole
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Who Will Be Third?"All chapters
4 total reviews
Comment from BeasPeas
Well, this is an interesting turn of events. Russ seems to have found the perfect producer for his script, lots of money and willing to dole it out--but Russ is dreaming, having fallen asleep at his desk. I'm happy to read another segment of your snappy story (and dialogue) which moves right along. Don't change that style. I can envision your characters perfectly. Another fun chapter. Marilyn
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Well, this is an interesting turn of events. Russ seems to have found the perfect producer for his script, lots of money and willing to dole it out--but Russ is dreaming, having fallen asleep at his desk. I'm happy to read another segment of your snappy story (and dialogue) which moves right along. Don't change that style. I can envision your characters perfectly. Another fun chapter. Marilyn
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Marilyn
I'm never sure until I receive your valued opinion. Thanks for brightening this day with your kind review.
Don't stop those poems.
Marv
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I like your style of writing. I can visualize everything happening, sense the mechanics in Russ's head, and his frantic efforts to find a producer. Do you always write in this style? Keep it going. Marilyn
Comment from Jay Squires
Except for a slow start (see below) the chapter was interesting and entertaining. You are an excellent writer.
Just a quick picky suggestion: separate the "Last lines" more from the regular text. I keep them in a different font color.
Morton K. Sugar sounds like the byproduct of a sweet and spicy romance. [Marvin, I'm beginning to think that your vagueness in speaker identification is intentional, if not a part of the author's "voice". One thing it does is force the reader to attend closely to the writing. A little of it can be intriguing and breaks monotony; too much of it will alienate the reader who might feel he doesn't have the time for these literary puzzles.
We find out this "Morton K. Sugar" is not the one who uttered "No comment" two paragraphs up. Apparently no one said those words because we are told they are preferable to what "Henrietta's lawyer said. Of course that lawyer is unnamed after his dialogue. We don't know FOR SURE it is Morton K Sugar, though the hints get broad with: "Prior to sharing his dismal prediction for the outcome of future events," and in the paragraph below: "Without Mr. S's input."
Okay, now we have a pretty good idea that Morton K. sugar is Henrietta's Lawyer. We assume the one he spoke the words to was CHARLES, not Charley, who is the other producer.
Don't get me wrong, there is a certain creative flair to your "voice", and I mentioned this to you on a previous confusing chapter. While, as I mentioned, a little adds variety, too much might indicate obscurantism. You're not guilty of that. As a matter of fact, your prose levels out after and reads very smoothly to the dream ending.
There was a place where it seemed rather stylistic. That was the paragraph beginning, "I grabbed my car keys ..." It was stylistic because of the humungously long sentence separated only by commas. I understand the intention, but it draws attention to itself as a style, and loses its impact.
held on to it until I had flopped into a chair. [use the simple past tense, "I flopped into a chair." The past-perfect tense suggests it was an activity from a period in the more distant past.]
Then, for its shear lack of attention-getting gimmicks, [for its SHEER lack...]
I love your story line. It's fun and you have a light-hearted tone, with much of the humor directed to yourself. That's good.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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Except for a slow start (see below) the chapter was interesting and entertaining. You are an excellent writer.
Just a quick picky suggestion: separate the "Last lines" more from the regular text. I keep them in a different font color.
Morton K. Sugar sounds like the byproduct of a sweet and spicy romance. [Marvin, I'm beginning to think that your vagueness in speaker identification is intentional, if not a part of the author's "voice". One thing it does is force the reader to attend closely to the writing. A little of it can be intriguing and breaks monotony; too much of it will alienate the reader who might feel he doesn't have the time for these literary puzzles.
We find out this "Morton K. Sugar" is not the one who uttered "No comment" two paragraphs up. Apparently no one said those words because we are told they are preferable to what "Henrietta's lawyer said. Of course that lawyer is unnamed after his dialogue. We don't know FOR SURE it is Morton K Sugar, though the hints get broad with: "Prior to sharing his dismal prediction for the outcome of future events," and in the paragraph below: "Without Mr. S's input."
Okay, now we have a pretty good idea that Morton K. sugar is Henrietta's Lawyer. We assume the one he spoke the words to was CHARLES, not Charley, who is the other producer.
Don't get me wrong, there is a certain creative flair to your "voice", and I mentioned this to you on a previous confusing chapter. While, as I mentioned, a little adds variety, too much might indicate obscurantism. You're not guilty of that. As a matter of fact, your prose levels out after and reads very smoothly to the dream ending.
There was a place where it seemed rather stylistic. That was the paragraph beginning, "I grabbed my car keys ..." It was stylistic because of the humungously long sentence separated only by commas. I understand the intention, but it draws attention to itself as a style, and loses its impact.
held on to it until I had flopped into a chair. [use the simple past tense, "I flopped into a chair." The past-perfect tense suggests it was an activity from a period in the more distant past.]
Then, for its shear lack of attention-getting gimmicks, [for its SHEER lack...]
I love your story line. It's fun and you have a light-hearted tone, with much of the humor directed to yourself. That's good.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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Jay
I am very fortunate to have you as a reader of my work. Except for thinking Morty said his dialog to Charles your comments are right on. He spoke them to the screenwriter, Russ, whom Charles directed to seek details from his ex-wife's lawyer.
Thanks for the crit, the stars and the compliments.
Marv
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Marvin,
I read through this chapter
"I have nothing to say, except, you tell that sl... down,(.)'" I began to wonder if he
(I believe this action tag should be a comma)
Lack of facts was not going to deter me.
Discovering that the latest plot line(plotline) lacked
plot line = verb noun plotline is a noun...
unenticing? instead of not enticing?
(A)again, with the usual information.
(suggesting a capital A here)
attention-getting gimmicks, my eyes landed on(:)? (Not sure about this suggestion)
Included[,] was a single location with a single phone number.
(don't think this comma was needed)
number on the door next to the elevator.
(I actually loved the silliness and speed of this step by step getting to the house really good strong, stable voice to the writing. There's a edge of humor in the tone of all the sentences.)
in heaven(Heaven), no sooner did the w
gifted writer, while I'll always be just a lowly, rich producer.
(Yes, subtle humor, but a slow burn of entertaining. I was enjoying this exchange)
"How much do you need to continue?" he said[,] while writing
(you might not need this comma)
urologist. He'll tell you everything you need to know."
(Ha! I laughed here. I'm easy. I laughed)
>>Her words slowly faded away as I raised my head from my desk and realized I was dreaming. <<
Awww, well that makes much much more sense, and I enjoyed peeking in on this guys fantasy.
A fun read, some comma/ minor things to consider... only two I think must change... plotline .... and that first comma.
--Turtle.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
|
Hi, Marvin,
I read through this chapter
"I have nothing to say, except, you tell that sl... down,(.)'" I began to wonder if he
(I believe this action tag should be a comma)
Lack of facts was not going to deter me.
Discovering that the latest plot line(plotline) lacked
plot line = verb noun plotline is a noun...
unenticing? instead of not enticing?
(A)again, with the usual information.
(suggesting a capital A here)
attention-getting gimmicks, my eyes landed on(:)? (Not sure about this suggestion)
Included[,] was a single location with a single phone number.
(don't think this comma was needed)
number on the door next to the elevator.
(I actually loved the silliness and speed of this step by step getting to the house really good strong, stable voice to the writing. There's a edge of humor in the tone of all the sentences.)
in heaven(Heaven), no sooner did the w
gifted writer, while I'll always be just a lowly, rich producer.
(Yes, subtle humor, but a slow burn of entertaining. I was enjoying this exchange)
"How much do you need to continue?" he said[,] while writing
(you might not need this comma)
urologist. He'll tell you everything you need to know."
(Ha! I laughed here. I'm easy. I laughed)
>>Her words slowly faded away as I raised my head from my desk and realized I was dreaming. <<
Awww, well that makes much much more sense, and I enjoyed peeking in on this guys fantasy.
A fun read, some comma/ minor things to consider... only two I think must change... plotline .... and that first comma.
--Turtle.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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--Turtle
A review that is helpful, complimentary and generous. Thank you very much for your thorough comments.
Marv
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Many Bigbucks! Great. I enjoyed this chapter. You show a clever wit in your writing. The story is interesting. The characters are real and I like the back and forth of the conversation. Well done.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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Many Bigbucks! Great. I enjoyed this chapter. You show a clever wit in your writing. The story is interesting. The characters are real and I like the back and forth of the conversation. Well done.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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Michael
It's good to hear from you again. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter. Thanks for the compliments and the 5 *'s.
Marv
