Tiny Tales of Terror
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "The Portrait"Multi-authored book of flash/micro horror fiction
8 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day mate. Crikey that was a sharp and savage twist at the end and a brilliantly done one as well. You are a very creative person and I am proud of the way you try and succeed at many different areas. Well done my friend...
One suggestion....
"Susan sat on the stool and Will(Willow) asked"....
I copied this just now, all I have to do is learn what a syllable is and maybe I'll get it right, I don't have any formal English training, only the 2 years that mum taught me....
"Meter is a unit of rhythm in poetry, the pattern of the beats. It is also called a foot. Each foot has a certain number of syllables in it, usually two or three syllables. The difference in types of meter is which syllables are accented and which are not."
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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G'day mate. Crikey that was a sharp and savage twist at the end and a brilliantly done one as well. You are a very creative person and I am proud of the way you try and succeed at many different areas. Well done my friend...
One suggestion....
"Susan sat on the stool and Will(Willow) asked"....
I copied this just now, all I have to do is learn what a syllable is and maybe I'll get it right, I don't have any formal English training, only the 2 years that mum taught me....
"Meter is a unit of rhythm in poetry, the pattern of the beats. It is also called a foot. Each foot has a certain number of syllables in it, usually two or three syllables. The difference in types of meter is which syllables are accented and which are not."
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 10-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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G'day Mate :) Thank you very much for the review. Thank you for the catch, I will corrected. Thank your for the information.
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You mate, are always welcome. I am very impressed by your progress.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Gypsy Blue Rose
Okay you flung me around from reading about a beautiful model to what sounds like a face eater.
Gert
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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Hello Gypsy Blue Rose
Okay you flung me around from reading about a beautiful model to what sounds like a face eater.
Gert
Comment Written 08-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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Yeah, it is a terror story. I love horror stories. I am sorry if I scared you too bad. I assume that people know the story is going to be scary. It is a flash fiction story so I had to wrap it up quickly.
I appreciate your 5 stars review and your feedback. :)
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Hi Gypsy
You are welcome
Gert
Comment from Dean Kuch
Willow had placed a tall stool in front of a large canvas and asked Susan to undress andset sit on it.........You need to use the present tense, sit, in this instance, Gypsy...
"Susan noddedwith her head and as Willow continued to relay instructions to her. said, "I want you to sit with your back to me and turn a little bit to your left, but don't show me your face.".......It really isn't necessary to inform your readers that Willow nodded with her head, Gypsy, lol. After all, what other part on your body do you nod with?...
"Susan jumped on Willow fast speed and devoured her face.".....This sentence read a bit awkwardly to me, Gypsy. Perhaps something like, Susan quickly pounced on Willow, devouring her face. Same thing, just worded a bit differently...
For your first shot at this sort of short, flash horror fiction, you did an admirable job, M'dear Gypsy.
Thanks so much for the fine contribution to what is now "our book".
~Dean ;)
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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Willow had placed a tall stool in front of a large canvas and asked Susan to undress and
"Susan nodded
"Susan jumped on Willow fast speed and devoured her face.".....This sentence read a bit awkwardly to me, Gypsy. Perhaps something like, Susan quickly pounced on Willow, devouring her face. Same thing, just worded a bit differently...
For your first shot at this sort of short, flash horror fiction, you did an admirable job, M'dear Gypsy.
Thanks so much for the fine contribution to what is now "our book".
~Dean ;)
Comment Written 07-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the notes, I will make the changes. Thank you for the review. I do come up with stupid sentences some times. I grew up in Spain and although I lived in the United States for most of my life, there are some things I say wrong. Sorry
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Nothing to be sorry for, Gypsy. I'm only trying to help, is all. After all, it is what we're really here for, right? To help out and give constructive suggestions, if at all possible?
You're more than welcome, my friend.
~Dean :}
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thank you, I appreciate all the help I get from other writers, specially you, I do admire you for the way you write horror stories, my favorite. You are my idol, you are the wind beneath my wings. LOL scratch that last line. :)
Comment from Winslow
Dear Gypsy,
I guess John misinterpreted what a perfect model is. (LOL) I almost gave you a four because the tension doesn't build slowly but erupts without any buildup; Is this flash fiction? Anyway a nice premise but I feel it needs more length. For me the repetition of perfect is also annoying. You also phrases unnecessarily. I get rid of ly words also, they add nothing and just slow the reader.
For example this is a suggested edit for this section
Susan sat on the stool and Willow asked, "Are you comfortable?" Susan nodded and Willow said, "I want you to sit with your back to me and turn a little bit to your left, but don't show your face." Willow wanted to see Susan's long hair cascading down over her shoulders.
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reply by the author on 07-Jul-2015
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Dear Gypsy,
I guess John misinterpreted what a perfect model is. (LOL) I almost gave you a four because the tension doesn't build slowly but erupts without any buildup; Is this flash fiction? Anyway a nice premise but I feel it needs more length. For me the repetition of perfect is also annoying. You also phrases unnecessarily. I get rid of ly words also, they add nothing and just slow the reader.
For example this is a suggested edit for this section
Susan sat on the stool and Willow asked, "Are you comfortable?" Susan nodded and Willow said, "I want you to sit with your back to me and turn a little bit to your left, but don't show your face." Willow wanted to see Susan's long hair cascading down over her shoulders.
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Comment Written 07-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2015
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thank you for the feedback Winslow. Yes, the story has to be less than 500 words, mine was 493. It is a story for Tiny Tales of Terror, so if is long it won't be tiny LOL. I made some changes, you had good suggestions, thanks
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
I really enjoyed this one. A great addition to the book, my friend. I just wrote my first contribution too. I had a bit of fun with it. I didn't realize brunette had the alternate spelling of brunet. Learn something new every day~Debbie
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2015
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I really enjoyed this one. A great addition to the book, my friend. I just wrote my first contribution too. I had a bit of fun with it. I didn't realize brunette had the alternate spelling of brunet. Learn something new every day~Debbie
Comment Written 07-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2015
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thank you Debbie, i appreciate your review
Comment from cbat
A very freaky story.
This site forces me to make flowery statements, so you are great, you are good.
Your imagination is great, I love scary stories.
I enjoy following your work.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2015
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A very freaky story.
This site forces me to make flowery statements, so you are great, you are good.
Your imagination is great, I love scary stories.
I enjoy following your work.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2015
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thank you very much cbat :) you are very kind
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
The set up is lovely, but you chase the horror in a few quick passes which leaves the reader thinking they have been deprived. The set up is critical in horror, but the actual reveal even more so and this was neither surprising or adding to the enhancement of the plot. It is a very good attempt though and technically sound throughout. One thing to think about: "to finish in a hurry" - best to use 'in hurry' or change it to 'in haste'. Nicely done and I thank you for sharing it.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2015
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The set up is lovely, but you chase the horror in a few quick passes which leaves the reader thinking they have been deprived. The set up is critical in horror, but the actual reveal even more so and this was neither surprising or adding to the enhancement of the plot. It is a very good attempt though and technically sound throughout. One thing to think about: "to finish in a hurry" - best to use 'in hurry' or change it to 'in haste'. Nicely done and I thank you for sharing it.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2015
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LOL I am not sure how to take your review, it sounds like you are saying-good job but your story is a bore LOL
thank you for the feed back
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I think you set it up well, but you kind of let me down in the climax. It is something to work on and the best folks at the great endings are Dean and Michael.
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I forgot to tell you that this is a tiny tale created by Dean Kuch. He told me that it had to be from 300 to 500 words. This one is 493 so I couldn't elaborate any more. I did chage the word hurry, thanks
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I know who created TTOH ... but you wrote this chapter right?
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Yes, I wrote this chapter, all I was trying to tell you is that the story has to be less than 500 words so their is a limit to the plot. Anyway, it doesn't matter.
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Yes, I agree, I love Dean and Michael's writing. I know I have a lot to learn.
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Sweetie the review is good and all I was doing was pointing out where you can improve. Please do not feel bad about it, just take the input and use it to produce something even more wonderful next time.
Comment from pbroussard209
well that certainly is a bit horrifying, I like the set up and the sudden ending. Good job in making a horror story so short. I can not do shorts like this, I just have too much to say, lol.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2015
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well that certainly is a bit horrifying, I like the set up and the sudden ending. Good job in making a horror story so short. I can not do shorts like this, I just have too much to say, lol.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2015
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LOL Thank you pbroussard, I appreciate your review
