Life, Love, and Other Disasters
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "River gods"A collection of poems on these themes
51 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Love the flow of this phrasing (read aloud) and how it sounds like what it describes:
The stream murmurs and meanders
around the maze of bald-headed grey rocks
to pool in dreamy shallows
where floating dragons flaunt hazy iridescence
over the lazy waters.
Superb strong of S sounds subtly linking all lines.
LOVE THIS--so eloquent and original:
great legions sweep from the north
to deliver their tumultuous fusillades
upon my roof,
Good analogy and descriptiveness here:
while the shell-fire flicker
illuminates the hills in jagged brilliance
and the heavy boom of artillery
thunders down the valley.
Wonderful, vivid energetic:
Hungrily feeding
on a thousand rushing tributaries,
the gods swell to anger,
tumbling in muddy flood
foam-flecked,
driftwood-strewn,
rampaging,
irresistible.
Until at last,
triumphant,
the waters shoulder free (great verb choice!)
of the confines of their banks
and celebrate by spreading a remorseless tide
across the lower flats.
Great personification!
*
For two grey days(,) the battle rages,
and (for) two black nights(,) I toss in fitful sleep,
Love this phrasing:
waking in wonder
to the ceaseless rumbling chant
of the river gods
celebrating victory.
Peace. - love how you highlighted this as a singe-word stanza.
*
On the third afternoon(,)
the waters subside,
*
and drunken fencelines, fence lines (two words)
litter-festooned.
Nice alliteration of H here:
On a trampled morass of higher ground
I find the huddle of Angus heifers.
One short. - another good highlighting.
*
Back home(,)
the shrill summons of the telephone.
My downstream neigbour spreads forth
a miracle.
neighbor is misspelled.
*
Next day(,) I fetch her stumbling back
*
By morning's light(,) I ponder
*
and(,) as darkness falls, she too goes down
and will not rise, despite my urgings.
*
and by torchlight (and)
fumble a shell into the chamber.
What a sad penultimate stanza and what a powerful closing note:
The river gods know nothing of heartbreak,
and they will not be scorned.
Wow, this is highly original and memorable. Riveting! Held my attention intensely.
Room for minor fine tuning, but leaning toward a six.
Bravo!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
  |
Love the flow of this phrasing (read aloud) and how it sounds like what it describes:
The stream murmurs and meanders
around the maze of bald-headed grey rocks
to pool in dreamy shallows
where floating dragons flaunt hazy iridescence
over the lazy waters.
Superb strong of S sounds subtly linking all lines.
LOVE THIS--so eloquent and original:
great legions sweep from the north
to deliver their tumultuous fusillades
upon my roof,
Good analogy and descriptiveness here:
while the shell-fire flicker
illuminates the hills in jagged brilliance
and the heavy boom of artillery
thunders down the valley.
Wonderful, vivid energetic:
Hungrily feeding
on a thousand rushing tributaries,
the gods swell to anger,
tumbling in muddy flood
foam-flecked,
driftwood-strewn,
rampaging,
irresistible.
Until at last,
triumphant,
the waters shoulder free (great verb choice!)
of the confines of their banks
and celebrate by spreading a remorseless tide
across the lower flats.
Great personification!
*
For two grey days(,) the battle rages,
and (for) two black nights(,) I toss in fitful sleep,
Love this phrasing:
waking in wonder
to the ceaseless rumbling chant
of the river gods
celebrating victory.
Peace. - love how you highlighted this as a singe-word stanza.
*
On the third afternoon(,)
the waters subside,
*
and drunken fencelines, fence lines (two words)
litter-festooned.
Nice alliteration of H here:
On a trampled morass of higher ground
I find the huddle of Angus heifers.
One short. - another good highlighting.
*
Back home(,)
the shrill summons of the telephone.
My downstream neigbour spreads forth
a miracle.
neighbor is misspelled.
*
Next day(,) I fetch her stumbling back
*
By morning's light(,) I ponder
*
and(,) as darkness falls, she too goes down
and will not rise, despite my urgings.
*
and by torchlight (and)
fumble a shell into the chamber.
What a sad penultimate stanza and what a powerful closing note:
The river gods know nothing of heartbreak,
and they will not be scorned.
Wow, this is highly original and memorable. Riveting! Held my attention intensely.
Room for minor fine tuning, but leaning toward a six.
Bravo!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Rama, thanks for taking the time to cast your expert eye over this. It took second place in the Free Verse contest so perhaps I am getting the hang of this stuff.
My (NZ) neighbour is spelled correctly like that and I'm pretty sure he has a one-word fenceline as well, although spell check doesn't like it.
I have read this to my local writing group and got quite a stunned response, so must be doing something right!
Thanks again.
Steve
-
Congrats on placing second! :-)
Great that you're in a writing group locally!
:)
Comment from angel123
Your poem is interesting and I enjoyed reading it. I like your poem title and It flows well. Good alliteration of words in your third, fourth and third to last paragraphs.
Angel123
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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Your poem is interesting and I enjoyed reading it. I like your poem title and It flows well. Good alliteration of words in your third, fourth and third to last paragraphs.
Angel123
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
-
Thank you.
Steve
Comment from Pantygynt
Living as I do upon a farm, I recognized well the salient features of this excellent piece of free verse. It is often said that farmers do not care for their beasts, seeing only the money they represent. But I have seen the tears in a farmers eyes as like the man in your poem, perhaps yourself, he was forced to end the life of a sick animal.
The poem is brilliantly constructed with superbly chosen words whose alliteration enhances the background to the story. That takes us from calm via storm and flood back to calm again in which the final agony of the heifer's delayed reaction to being washed downstream, played out in bitter contrast to the hopefulness created by the falling waters.
Masterful.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
|
Living as I do upon a farm, I recognized well the salient features of this excellent piece of free verse. It is often said that farmers do not care for their beasts, seeing only the money they represent. But I have seen the tears in a farmers eyes as like the man in your poem, perhaps yourself, he was forced to end the life of a sick animal.
The poem is brilliantly constructed with superbly chosen words whose alliteration enhances the background to the story. That takes us from calm via storm and flood back to calm again in which the final agony of the heifer's delayed reaction to being washed downstream, played out in bitter contrast to the hopefulness created by the falling waters.
Masterful.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
-
Thanks for the thoughtful review!
Good luck with the Alliteration contest too - I was hoping to get an entry done, but ran out of time ...
Steve
Comment from victor 66
I don't know if nature is a demon or an angel. It can be so beautiful it takes your breath away. Other times nature can be so cruel and ruthless that it would be hard to believe that there really is a "God" that cares. Enjoyed your poetry. Best wishes.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
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I don't know if nature is a demon or an angel. It can be so beautiful it takes your breath away. Other times nature can be so cruel and ruthless that it would be hard to believe that there really is a "God" that cares. Enjoyed your poetry. Best wishes.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
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Thanks, Victor - glad you enjoyed.
Steve
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You are most welcome.
Comment from Emily George
A very poignant poem that takes us on a journey down the river of distruction. You describe the scene so well with brilliant word imagery in this free verse form. Great read.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
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A very poignant poem that takes us on a journey down the river of distruction. You describe the scene so well with brilliant word imagery in this free verse form. Great read.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
-
Thanks, Emily.
Steve
Comment from livelylinda
kiwisteveh: this poem is six-star-worthy but I have only virtual to offer today. Your descriptions of raging flood waters are unique, creative and fresh. You should be a good contender in this contest. Good luck with it. livelylinda
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
|
kiwisteveh: this poem is six-star-worthy but I have only virtual to offer today. Your descriptions of raging flood waters are unique, creative and fresh. You should be a good contender in this contest. Good luck with it. livelylinda
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
-
Linda, thanks for the warm words and the virtual six.
Steve
Comment from strandregs
Enjoyed reading your tail of the storm.
I imagine after two days in a storm any of us would be happy for a bullet.
that's gross, human are more resilient than cows or are they?
liked the God metaphor , or is it Vishnu?
peace indeed.:-)) Z.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
 |
Enjoyed reading your tail of the storm.
I imagine after two days in a storm any of us would be happy for a bullet.
that's gross, human are more resilient than cows or are they?
liked the God metaphor , or is it Vishnu?
peace indeed.:-)) Z.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
-
Thanks, Z.
Steve
Comment from MissMerri
An excellent free verse poem, one that captivates the reader immediately and carries her along to the final tear-producing ending. You have used several excellent poetic devices which actually make this poem shine like a rare gem in the sunlight. I love everything about it, and look forward to seeing it with a Blue Ribbon attached. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
|
An excellent free verse poem, one that captivates the reader immediately and carries her along to the final tear-producing ending. You have used several excellent poetic devices which actually make this poem shine like a rare gem in the sunlight. I love everything about it, and look forward to seeing it with a Blue Ribbon attached. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Thanks, Adonna, but I suspect the ribbon will go elsewhere once again. Take a look at what's burst onto the front page today - I was congratulating myself on having written a half-decent piece until I saw Padu's poem...
Steve
Comment from artemis53
Beautifully comprised about a tragedy brought on by a vivid explanation of tremulous nights and sodden earth. What a pleasure to read.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Beautifully comprised about a tragedy brought on by a vivid explanation of tremulous nights and sodden earth. What a pleasure to read.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Thank you!
Steve
Comment from w.j.debi
This is heart wrenching. The damage of the floods, the miracle of the returned heifer, and then the "river gods" claiming her anyway. I've had to make that life and death decision a few times with my horses, dogs and sheep. It always breaks my heart.
Excellent metaphors. I can envision the "drunken fence lines" and hear the "shrill summons of the telephone".
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
|
This is heart wrenching. The damage of the floods, the miracle of the returned heifer, and then the "river gods" claiming her anyway. I've had to make that life and death decision a few times with my horses, dogs and sheep. It always breaks my heart.
Excellent metaphors. I can envision the "drunken fence lines" and hear the "shrill summons of the telephone".
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Thanks so much for the warm words and the six stars. Someone once told me, 'Where there's livestock there will always be dead stock,' but it doesn't make it any easier.
Steve