Loophole
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Charles Number Two"All chapters
3 total reviews
Comment from BeasPeas
This is a very enjoyable read, Marv. Good flow and continuity which the reader grasps well. Amusing. Snappy and I like that. Good job. Marilyn
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
  |
This is a very enjoyable read, Marv. Good flow and continuity which the reader grasps well. Amusing. Snappy and I like that. Good job. Marilyn
Comment Written 22-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
-
Marilyn
What a nice feeling, to be able to write something that is enjoyed by you, a person who writes such beautiful poetry. Thanks for the review. Thanks for the stars.
Marv
-
You're welcome, Marv. Looking forward to the next segment. Marilyn
Comment from christianpowers
Hi,
Yeah, this was hard to follow, jumping in the middle of it like this. So I issued you five stars automatically, not being qualified to rate much of anything, pace, progress, content or characters.
The snapshot in time I did get from this conveyed what I suspect must be a scam, judging by the narrator's summary at the end, writing three scripts for two producers... and taking cash from at least one of them.
The writing was nearly flawless, although I did find this little mistake... rest room should be restroom.
Also, 'breaking the verbal silence' was a bit of overwriting you could do without, where 'Charles said,' would be adequate.
Beyond that I found no mistakes. I was mildly entertained, but probably would have liked this better if I'd read it from the beginning.
Christian
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
|
Hi,
Yeah, this was hard to follow, jumping in the middle of it like this. So I issued you five stars automatically, not being qualified to rate much of anything, pace, progress, content or characters.
The snapshot in time I did get from this conveyed what I suspect must be a scam, judging by the narrator's summary at the end, writing three scripts for two producers... and taking cash from at least one of them.
The writing was nearly flawless, although I did find this little mistake... rest room should be restroom.
Also, 'breaking the verbal silence' was a bit of overwriting you could do without, where 'Charles said,' would be adequate.
Beyond that I found no mistakes. I was mildly entertained, but probably would have liked this better if I'd read it from the beginning.
Christian
Comment Written 21-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
-
Christian
Thanks for your review.
It's not a scam, at least it wasn't intended to be. Up to this point, two producers, upon hearing the title, ?Loophole,? tell Russ what they think the plot is about, without Russ having to say another word. The word, Loophole, has that effect on people, it's almost magical.
RESTROOM. Thanks for the correction. I make signs, so you'd think I would know better.
BREAKING THE VERBAL SILENCE. I wanted to differentiate between word noise and chewing and sighing sounds. If you still think it was overwritten, I may change it.
I read about how you feel about reviewing and am very flattered.
Marv
-
Yes, I read it again and still find that phrase distracting. It's more than that really. The problem begins with a weak description of sounds in the preceding paragraph... his chewing and their 'sighs'? It's hard to picture them sighing over and over again... weak. And then you sort of refer back to it with that phrase, making a 'verbal' distinction... which forces the reader to think about your weak description again. Smooth it out maybe by just describing him chewing loudly, especially if you change those 'pastries' (soft) to some cookies (crunchy). This small change would be shorter, add more impact, sound better and speed things up... Maybe then 'broke the verbal silence' wouldn't be a bad distraction... I'd still get rid of it, though. lol
Hope this helped...
Comment from barkingdog
That was a very clever way to get work from two producers. Mmm, I wonder if it's ever been done?
I enjoyed your chapter and especially liked your joke about the corned beef on rye.
:) e
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
|
That was a very clever way to get work from two producers. Mmm, I wonder if it's ever been done?
I enjoyed your chapter and especially liked your joke about the corned beef on rye.
:) e
Comment Written 21-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
-
Ellen
Thanks for your review and the generous rating. I'm so glad you liked this chapter.
Russ didn't plan for this to happen. I don't think he's a conniver.
Marv