Tiny Tales of Terror
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Snake's Breath"Multi-authored book of flash/micro horror fiction
29 total reviews
Comment from Judgement Dave
Very enjoyable.
Thought there was some great imagery with the wrecked body - the detestable kebab & obscene octopus.
Makes me wonder if snake's breath does smell... a great phrase either way!
Absolutely loved the demon's personality - and the attitude to early mornings and 1066 references. In a way it's a shame that this was such a short story, as I wanted to see more of that demon. Having said that, the demon isn't destroyed as far as I can tell, so maybe one day he'll pop up again...
I really liked the rocking pram at the end - in the good tradition of pre- or post-end credits shocks in many horror films.
"This fiction story is based on an actual set of circumstances." - yikes! That makes me wonder how much/which bits - I suppose it could be anything from you experienced a case of demonic possession to you heard of someone who bought a motorbike.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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Very enjoyable.
Thought there was some great imagery with the wrecked body - the detestable kebab & obscene octopus.
Makes me wonder if snake's breath does smell... a great phrase either way!
Absolutely loved the demon's personality - and the attitude to early mornings and 1066 references. In a way it's a shame that this was such a short story, as I wanted to see more of that demon. Having said that, the demon isn't destroyed as far as I can tell, so maybe one day he'll pop up again...
I really liked the rocking pram at the end - in the good tradition of pre- or post-end credits shocks in many horror films.
"This fiction story is based on an actual set of circumstances." - yikes! That makes me wonder how much/which bits - I suppose it could be anything from you experienced a case of demonic possession to you heard of someone who bought a motorbike.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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This story was easy to write. Shrinking it from 860 words down to 500 took the time. Being horror the crash had to be milked and it was.
I hope never to find out if snake's breath smells. Hah! Hah!
I like to inject a little humour into an otherwise black story. I think it can lift it.
The devil rides again soon in 'Snakes Breath Two.' It's ready, but I'm away on holiday soon.
As regards the origins:- The man killed on a motorcycle, the repair of the bike, the action of the bike in throwing off the rider on several occasions, the accusations of an evil presence, and the sawing up of the bike into small pieces. This was related to me first hand by the man who helped the character Jack Harding (not the real name) with a strip down and check of the bike. This was not in the story. He worked with me for years as I served my time in engineering. He was not lying, I'm certain of that.
I appreciated you taking the time to review my work.
:) Mel.
Comment from LIJ Red
More refreshing than Road Rocket where the car the teen worshipped turned
out to have no soul at all in the end. Then there was king's Plymouth, Christine.
Excellent short horror tale.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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More refreshing than Road Rocket where the car the teen worshipped turned
out to have no soul at all in the end. Then there was king's Plymouth, Christine.
Excellent short horror tale.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Hi Christine. I'm pleased you enjoyed my horror story.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work it is greatly appreciated.
:) Mel.
Comment from Lynne
This moves well and draws the reader's attention. The author has a command and proper use of dialogue and that is paramount in any story. Excellent work and I look forward to reading more from you!
D
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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This moves well and draws the reader's attention. The author has a command and proper use of dialogue and that is paramount in any story. Excellent work and I look forward to reading more from you!
D
Comment Written 15-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Hi Lynne, thank you so much for your kind review. Very much appreciated.
:)???
Comment from Shirley McLain
I would like to know the actual story behind this. It is creepy and you did a good job at holding my attention all the way through. Shirley
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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I would like to know the actual story behind this. It is creepy and you did a good job at holding my attention all the way through. Shirley
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Hi Okiegal930.
The basic facts are that a man living in my area was killed on this motorbike, and the next owner kept being thrown off. He had bad feelings when near it. And did reduce the bike to a pile of small pieces. I dramatised it to make a story.
Thank you for your kind review.
:) Mel.
Comment from sharonmealler
This is very disturbing. It's bloody, gorey, eerie. Makes you envision the gore happening with the motorcycle wreck. It's interesting and held my attention to the end even though I wanted to quit halfway through. Like a car wreck you just can't look away. Demons are something I'm interested in and enjoy reading about. I only saw one typo. Demons should have had an ( ' ) (Demon's) banquet
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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This is very disturbing. It's bloody, gorey, eerie. Makes you envision the gore happening with the motorcycle wreck. It's interesting and held my attention to the end even though I wanted to quit halfway through. Like a car wreck you just can't look away. Demons are something I'm interested in and enjoy reading about. I only saw one typo. Demons should have had an ( ' ) (Demon's) banquet
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Thank you sharonmealler. Four stars means my work is good, but needs adjustments. I've corrected the only typo you spotted.
Can I now ask you to kindly re-asses your grading, or are there other faults in the story? I look forward to your revision.
I appreciate your honest review.
:) Mel.
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I'm not a professional writer. I have written several novels and have self-published, but not had a "publisher" interested in anything, so I'm probably not the most qualified person for this, but to me it was a flow problem. It was a wonderful story, but a little hard to follow. That's all. Like I said, I really enjoyed reading it. With all respect, sharon
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I'm so pleased Sharon, that you got back to me. Often they don't.
I don't care all that much about the stars, it's the input that's valuable to me. Now I know to try and improve the flow. There are ways to achieve this.
I wish you all the best of luck with the publishers.
:) Mel.
Comment from mumsyone
Second reading: Looks much better! I'm upgrading the rating.
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Sorry to hear this is based on actual circumstances.
While your story is written mostly in present tense, you have a couple of spots that use past tense. If you have any questions about my suggestions, just ask. Also, if you make corrections, please let me know, and I will be happy to upgrade my rating.
Flying into a solitary tree, his anguished screaming could (can) be heard for miles.
The impact pulverising his body,(no comma here) produces facial disintegration(,) and the showering of brain matter.
a demons (demon's) banquet revealed.
Local man Jack Harding,(no comma) sees the advert.
"Yesterday, a strange voice said, 'Yummy butt.(')"
The motorbike (is)on its side.
His disbelieving, heavily pregnant wife, went (goes) ballistic.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Second reading: Looks much better! I'm upgrading the rating.
_________
Sorry to hear this is based on actual circumstances.
While your story is written mostly in present tense, you have a couple of spots that use past tense. If you have any questions about my suggestions, just ask. Also, if you make corrections, please let me know, and I will be happy to upgrade my rating.
Flying into a solitary tree, his anguished screaming could (can) be heard for miles.
The impact pulverising his body,(no comma here) produces facial disintegration(,) and the showering of brain matter.
a demons (demon's) banquet revealed.
Local man Jack Harding,(no comma) sees the advert.
"Yesterday, a strange voice said, 'Yummy butt.(')"
The motorbike (is)on its side.
His disbelieving, heavily pregnant wife, went (goes) ballistic.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Hi mumsyone.
Yes the basic facts are that a man living in my area was killed on this motorbike, and the next owner kept being thrown off. He had bad feelings when near it. And did reduce the bike to a pile of small pieces. I dramatised it to make a story.
The corrections have been made.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work it is greatly appreciated.
:) Mel.
Comment from c_lucas
A demon that likes moving vehicles. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. You have a very unique story line. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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A demon that likes moving vehicles. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. You have a very unique story line. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Thank you chasennov, for your kind review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Much appreciated. :) Mel.
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"Chasennov???? You're welcome, Mel. Charlie
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Woops, Charlie, comes with working too late lol.
:) Mel
Comment from Ulla
Excellent, I liked it a lot and I think you bring the story to its horrid conclusion. There was something missing though that I cannot put my finger on. I don't know. What I do know is that I certainly couldn't do it any better. I enjoyed reading it. Ulla
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Excellent, I liked it a lot and I think you bring the story to its horrid conclusion. There was something missing though that I cannot put my finger on. I don't know. What I do know is that I certainly couldn't do it any better. I enjoyed reading it. Ulla
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Thank you chasennov, for your unsettling review. I'm glad you enjoyed it though.
If you manage to identify this missing component in the story please feel free to P.M. me
Much appreciated. :) Mel.
Comment from thee-name
Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
A grr-ating , blood chilling, voice. Evil, like the smell of snake's breath, rasps forth.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
A grr-ating , blood chilling, voice. Evil, like the smell of snake's breath, rasps forth.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Thank you chasennov, for your kind review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Much appreciated. :) Mel.
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thank you!
Comment from chasennov
Chapter 29 of the book Tiny Tales of Terror Horror Flash Fiction "Snake's Breath" A very interesting chapter you have penned here. I enjoyed the read which is surprising. Well done.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Chapter 29 of the book Tiny Tales of Terror Horror Flash Fiction "Snake's Breath" A very interesting chapter you have penned here. I enjoyed the read which is surprising. Well done.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
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Thank you chasennov, for your kind review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Much appreciated. :) Mel.
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You are most welcome, Mel.
