Get Well, Brooke!
Viewing comments for Prologue "Ten Terrific Crayons"Writing for Brooke
10 total reviews
Comment from Joy Graham
Dear mystery poet, I'm delighted by your entry in this contest. I love the picture presentation and crayon theme you chose :) It has so many fun possibilities for adding or subtracting crayons for a counting poem. Crayons can get lost in couches, under tables, crushed when walked on, eaten by the dog, or used up as the popular color. Crayons can also be found by mom when she's cleaning up. I can imagine so many possibilities to have readers rolling on the floor in fits of laughter.
This contest calls for a count, rhyme, and iambic meter. You have fulfilled the counting requirement and the rhyme requirement. However, the iambic meter is lacking. For this reason I gave you a four star rating. There is lots of time before this contest gets to the voting booth, so you have plenty of time to work on the meter and polish up to delight readers. Once the meter is improved I would be glad to change my rating to five stars :)
Some suggestions from me with the hope that I may be helpful:
ten CRAY-ons STACKED in-SIDE a BOX
placed IN my MOTH-ther's SHOP-ping CART.
one HELP-ing SCRATCH my CHICK-en POX
then QUAR-an-TINED just TO be SMART.
Nice use of a big word like quarantined.
I hope this helps.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2015
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Dear mystery poet, I'm delighted by your entry in this contest. I love the picture presentation and crayon theme you chose :) It has so many fun possibilities for adding or subtracting crayons for a counting poem. Crayons can get lost in couches, under tables, crushed when walked on, eaten by the dog, or used up as the popular color. Crayons can also be found by mom when she's cleaning up. I can imagine so many possibilities to have readers rolling on the floor in fits of laughter.
This contest calls for a count, rhyme, and iambic meter. You have fulfilled the counting requirement and the rhyme requirement. However, the iambic meter is lacking. For this reason I gave you a four star rating. There is lots of time before this contest gets to the voting booth, so you have plenty of time to work on the meter and polish up to delight readers. Once the meter is improved I would be glad to change my rating to five stars :)
Some suggestions from me with the hope that I may be helpful:
ten CRAY-ons STACKED in-SIDE a BOX
placed IN my MOTH-ther's SHOP-ping CART.
one HELP-ing SCRATCH my CHICK-en POX
then QUAR-an-TINED just TO be SMART.
Nice use of a big word like quarantined.
I hope this helps.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2015
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Thank you for your review and great suggestions. I will look into the meter.
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Very well done - just up Brooke's street. I liked your first stanza and the mention of chicken pox. Good final stanza and the mention of Earth's numbered days - clever. All ten very good and I wish you good luck in the contest. Warm regards Dorothy x
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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Very well done - just up Brooke's street. I liked your first stanza and the mention of chicken pox. Good final stanza and the mention of Earth's numbered days - clever. All ten very good and I wish you good luck in the contest. Warm regards Dorothy x
Comment Written 18-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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I appreciate you taking time to read & review my poem. It means a great deal to me.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I enjoyed reading your poem, what a great idea you had! Good rhythm and even flow with excellent word choice to enhance the theme. I love the picture and the colors you chose. Nicely done!
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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I enjoyed reading your poem, what a great idea you had! Good rhythm and even flow with excellent word choice to enhance the theme. I love the picture and the colors you chose. Nicely done!
Comment Written 18-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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Thank you. I am glad you enjoyed my poem.
Comment from pickmeplease
I really liked the concept of a counting poem of crayons. I'm curious about what age is your target audience. It's neat that you've included a message of equality for all colors and living in peace.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2015
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I really liked the concept of a counting poem of crayons. I'm curious about what age is your target audience. It's neat that you've included a message of equality for all colors and living in peace.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for your time reviewing my poem. The age is anywhere from 5-12. The last verse or two could be left off for the younger if needed.
Comment from strandregs
One was lost in the thick lawn
instaed of groan.maybe.
Five crayons left in the rain
they must find a place to dry.
One thought it was just a game,
and went alone to spy.
maybe.
I can see how difficult it is to write a tenner.
I liked the ecco moral at the end.
Good stuff.:-)).Z.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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One was lost in the thick lawn
instaed of groan.maybe.
Five crayons left in the rain
they must find a place to dry.
One thought it was just a game,
and went alone to spy.
maybe.
I can see how difficult it is to write a tenner.
I liked the ecco moral at the end.
Good stuff.:-)).Z.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for your review and great suggestions that I may "steal."
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You are welcome my darling
Comment from Curly Girly
This is a fun and enjoyable counting poem to read. I liked your great title and happy image. In my opinion, the poem would be more attractive if you used punctuation, especially if you intend kids to read it.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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This is a fun and enjoyable counting poem to read. I liked your great title and happy image. In my opinion, the poem would be more attractive if you used punctuation, especially if you intend kids to read it.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much. You are right. I did not know how much or if any punctutation. should be used.
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SUGGESTED PUNCTUATION:
Ten crayons stacked in a box,
placed in a large shopping cart.
One scratching with chicken pox,
nine quarantined to be smart.
Nine crayons now feeling great
spreading color on the page.
One asleep--came in too late--
eight now left, but gone was Sage.
Eight crayons play hide and seek,
nowhere to hide in this room.
One scared, unable to speak;
seven swept up by the broom.
Seven crayons now seek a home,
they don't know where it will be.
One played with the garden gnome;
six crayons under the tree.
Six play football in the yard,
but the ball was overthrown.
Searching was a task so hard,
one was lost and left to groan
Five crayons left in the rain
they must find a place to hide.
One thought it was just a pain,
now four must quickly decide.
Four crayons open a door,
they tumble in on the mat.
One falls on the sticky floor,
the others see the black cat.
Three plan to color it bright,
zigzags will make it look fine,
they will color left to right.
One colored out of the line.
Two crayons wish at a well,
hoping friends can all be free.
While wishing, one slipped and fell.
One color left for all to see.
It dreams while under the sun,
where colors all live in peace.
It got hot and had to run--
thinking all hatred should cease.
The colors' story is done.
Their home changed in many ways.
They learned more ways than just one--
to live with Earth's numbered days.
Comment from barkingdog
I enjoyed your crayon counting rhyme. It read smoothly through all the little crayon's various adventures.
I like the mention of a garden gnome. It added nice alliteration while presenting a visual image. Most everyone can picture a gnome.
Good Luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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I enjoyed your crayon counting rhyme. It read smoothly through all the little crayon's various adventures.
I like the mention of a garden gnome. It added nice alliteration while presenting a visual image. Most everyone can picture a gnome.
Good Luck in the contest.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Than you. I really appreciate your time.
Comment from lalajovanoski
Truly inspiring children poem
very powerfully written and nicely composed
You are such an amazing poet! I truly enjoyed reading this as you are so very talented! Thank you so very much for sharing this as I truly enjoyed reading
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Truly inspiring children poem
very powerfully written and nicely composed
You are such an amazing poet! I truly enjoyed reading this as you are so very talented! Thank you so very much for sharing this as I truly enjoyed reading
Comment Written 15-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Thank you very much for your kind and encouraging review.
Comment from dmt1967
This is a good poem with a clear message. The second and third verse seemed a bit off key and forced to my ear but apart from that, it was a good read. I love the picture and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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This is a good poem with a clear message. The second and third verse seemed a bit off key and forced to my ear but apart from that, it was a good read. I love the picture and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much. I changed some things from the first write and maybe need to look at it again. Thanks again.
Comment from Dawny53
Very nice! These crayons certainly knew how to get themselves into some mischief! I love these counting poems.. so fun and fun to read.. best of luck wishes to you in this contest!
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Very nice! These crayons certainly knew how to get themselves into some mischief! I love these counting poems.. so fun and fun to read.. best of luck wishes to you in this contest!
Comment Written 15-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Thank you for your time reading/reviewing/commenting on my poem. I appreciate all.