Miscellaneous stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 40 "Mayhem at Maple Crescent"Fiction and non-fiction prose
12 total reviews
Comment from Linda Engel
always knew Elmo was a creepy , evil, creature. Never bought one for my child. Now I know why. good story and ended with a great twist. You led us to imagine the killer to be parents or the child her self. BUT nooooo it was Elmo.
Twisted little mind you have there, Mr. Richards. Keep up the good work Linda
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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always knew Elmo was a creepy , evil, creature. Never bought one for my child. Now I know why. good story and ended with a great twist. You led us to imagine the killer to be parents or the child her self. BUT nooooo it was Elmo.
Twisted little mind you have there, Mr. Richards. Keep up the good work Linda
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Twisted? Why, whatever do you mean? Thanks, Linda for the great review. Much appreciated. Craig.
Comment from Dean Kuch
'Electrocution Barbie' Ha-ha, I loved it, Craig! I think I know exactly the sort of Barbie you wrote about here, too. My daughter had one just like it--a blonde one, I think. Her frazzled hair jutted out from atop her plastic scalp in a myriad of wild directions, lol.
Oh, the butler didn't do it, not in this tight, terrific terror tale, no sir! Nor was it an unknown assailant who'd broken into their home in the middle of the night. It was no escaped lunatic from the local nuthouse, and not even the poor parents of the Marshall kids themselves.
These murders committed within the ill-fated Marshall family's home were perpetrated by something far more sinister--with a pathology far more terrifying then any of the aforementioned possibilities.
A killer ELMO did it! It would seem that Chucky of Child's play fame has a bit of competition in the horror genre now, heh-heh...
Great story, Craig. Very...creepy!
Best of luck to you in the contest.
~Dean
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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'Electrocution Barbie' Ha-ha, I loved it, Craig! I think I know exactly the sort of Barbie you wrote about here, too. My daughter had one just like it--a blonde one, I think. Her frazzled hair jutted out from atop her plastic scalp in a myriad of wild directions, lol.
Oh, the butler didn't do it, not in this tight, terrific terror tale, no sir! Nor was it an unknown assailant who'd broken into their home in the middle of the night. It was no escaped lunatic from the local nuthouse, and not even the poor parents of the Marshall kids themselves.
These murders committed within the ill-fated Marshall family's home were perpetrated by something far more sinister--with a pathology far more terrifying then any of the aforementioned possibilities.
A killer ELMO did it! It would seem that Chucky of Child's play fame has a bit of competition in the horror genre now, heh-heh...
Great story, Craig. Very...creepy!
Best of luck to you in the contest.
~Dean
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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haha thanks so much Dean, for the fun review. I guess your daughter doesn't play with her Barbie much any more... otherwise she wouldn't have left that Count doll behind your chair! Someone must have left a door open, and I guess it's windy there, because I could swear I saw it move :)
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Nope, in my home, the only Sesame Street character you'll find is the Cookie Monster. Actually, I call her 'Gidget', my 12 year old Chihuahua. But good grief, that dog does love cookies, and any kind, too!
Good luck to ya, Craig. Hee-hee...
~Dean ;}
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I really liked this piece.
Nothing freakier than childhood toys gone nuts!
Good tone and description in the piece.
officer Davies' - Officer.
The only slight reservation I had was the overuse of variations of gaze / gazed / gazing. If you read it back maybe you will agree? Maybe substitute some for glance / look.
GMG
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2015
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Hi there,
I really liked this piece.
Nothing freakier than childhood toys gone nuts!
Good tone and description in the piece.
officer Davies' - Officer.
The only slight reservation I had was the overuse of variations of gaze / gazed / gazing. If you read it back maybe you will agree? Maybe substitute some for glance / look.
GMG
Comment Written 24-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2015
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Glad you enjoyed my little story. Thank you for spotting the problems - I agree, and have made the necessary corrections. Much appreciated :-) Craig.
Comment from IndianaIrish
I enjoyed your story very much, CD. I liked the descriptions of the crime scene, but mostly I loved your clever misdirection in thinking it was dear Mom who was the killer. Your ending is fun, clever, and very enjoyable. I can hear that cute little Elmo giggle as he dragged the Officer. He must be one strong little critter to twist a twelve-year-old kid like that. Best wishes to you in the contest with your entertaining story.
Smiles,
Indy :-)
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2015
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I enjoyed your story very much, CD. I liked the descriptions of the crime scene, but mostly I loved your clever misdirection in thinking it was dear Mom who was the killer. Your ending is fun, clever, and very enjoyable. I can hear that cute little Elmo giggle as he dragged the Officer. He must be one strong little critter to twist a twelve-year-old kid like that. Best wishes to you in the contest with your entertaining story.
Smiles,
Indy :-)
Comment Written 20-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2015
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Thank you Indy, for your lovely review. I'm glad you liked the story.I think maybe Elmo had help, but Kylie hasn't spoken a word since that terrible night - so I guess we'll never know :-) All the best, Craig.
Comment from Gloria ....
Hi Craig. this is a cute story with all the component story bits. Remember to take it easy on the adverbs and adjectives.
Couple of comments:
as he surveyed the scene before him. He and his partner were first on the scene following the 911 - Just a suggestion to change one of the words "scene" used twice so close twigged me.
Ha, cute little joke about Bert and Ernie. I think we've all questioned that nature of their relationship at one time or another.
but those who knew him were convincedthat those rumors were simply - watch for extraneous "that" I find most times they aren't needed.
Ha, cute ending so Elmo was the killer. Honestly his reputation has been taking a real beating over the past few years eh?
Good job and best wishes to you in the contest and a warm welcome to FanStory.
Gloria
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Hi Craig. this is a cute story with all the component story bits. Remember to take it easy on the adverbs and adjectives.
Couple of comments:
as he surveyed the scene before him. He and his partner were first on the scene following the 911 - Just a suggestion to change one of the words "scene" used twice so close twigged me.
Ha, cute little joke about Bert and Ernie. I think we've all questioned that nature of their relationship at one time or another.
but those who knew him were convinced
Ha, cute ending so Elmo was the killer. Honestly his reputation has been taking a real beating over the past few years eh?
Good job and best wishes to you in the contest and a warm welcome to FanStory.
Gloria
Comment Written 14-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Hi Gloria,
Thanks so much for your kind review. Both of the corrections you pointed out are well spotted. Regarding the "scene" one, I have scanned and rescanned, and was never happy with the paragraph; but couldn't figure out what the problem was. It's amazing what a fresh set of eyes can do. And I do find that I tend to use "that" more than that which could be considered appropriate (haha little joke there). It's something I really need to watch.
Thank you again for the advice, and your kind welcome. I'm off right now to make those corrections.
Craig
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Only paying it forward, darling. I used to do exactly that same thing. *wink*
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is excellent, mystery writer, that ending is positively to die for, and I guess that he did, I enjoyed reading it and I'm making sure I don't slseep with elmo in my bed, lol. good lucki n the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2015
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this is excellent, mystery writer, that ending is positively to die for, and I guess that he did, I enjoyed reading it and I'm making sure I don't slseep with elmo in my bed, lol. good lucki n the contest.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2015
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Thank you for your kind words, sweetwoodjax, and your good wishes. I'm happy that you enjoyed it.
Comment from K. Lorraine
Oh, I finally just got it... MO EL spells ELMO and I'm presuming the killer was the toy doll Elmo.
Creative, YES.
Clarity of the story, for me... not so much.
Scary and supernatural, somewhat for scary and for supernatural... hmm, yes, toys have killed in other stories and in movies, but is a toy supernatural?
I did enjoy the story to a point, but I found myself working too hard to understand it.
Best wishes in the contest... you will probably surprise me when it ranks high in the ratings. I hope so...
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2015
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Oh, I finally just got it... MO EL spells ELMO and I'm presuming the killer was the toy doll Elmo.
Creative, YES.
Clarity of the story, for me... not so much.
Scary and supernatural, somewhat for scary and for supernatural... hmm, yes, toys have killed in other stories and in movies, but is a toy supernatural?
I did enjoy the story to a point, but I found myself working too hard to understand it.
Best wishes in the contest... you will probably surprise me when it ranks high in the ratings. I hope so...
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2015
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Thanks for your comments, honesty is always appreciated :)
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you're welcome
Comment from I am Cat
OMG... this was just too much fun.
And might I add that I was so pleased to see absolutely no SPAG, and wonderful grammar used... ah... it's amazing. lol
Anyway, back to the review at hand.
That was just too awesome... I was like... uggg... what's he going to do to those kids... and then, when the officer was taken down by his ankles... oh yeah, I thought... damn... it's the stuffed toys. LOL
"ELMO"... I never trusted that bastard. LOL
(did I say that out loud?)
That was priceless. I wonder if I can BUY stars? lol
You're turning out to be one interesting dude.
*chuckles*...
great... now i'm eyeing this stuffed monkey and bear on my bed...
*the monkey looks dangerous*
>^^<
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2015
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OMG... this was just too much fun.
And might I add that I was so pleased to see absolutely no SPAG, and wonderful grammar used... ah... it's amazing. lol
Anyway, back to the review at hand.
That was just too awesome... I was like... uggg... what's he going to do to those kids... and then, when the officer was taken down by his ankles... oh yeah, I thought... damn... it's the stuffed toys. LOL
"ELMO"... I never trusted that bastard. LOL
(did I say that out loud?)
That was priceless. I wonder if I can BUY stars? lol
You're turning out to be one interesting dude.
*chuckles*...
great... now i'm eyeing this stuffed monkey and bear on my bed...
*the monkey looks dangerous*
>^^<
Comment Written 11-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2015
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Hahaha
Glad you got a chuckle out of it :)
I hope I haven't created a problem..... I'm sure the monkey wouldn't hurt a fly.... oh, but you're not a fly ;-)
Thanks for the great review, Cat.
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HEY!
that's not funny.
*looks at monkey*
by the way... have YOU seen or touched any monkeys today?
How about a moogul? (that's a lot of monkeys)
:)
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Only one monkey - he was naughty , so I had to spank him.
A moogul of monkeys? How do you know this stuff? lol
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lol, now i'm REALLy laughing... you spanked the monkey? lol
this might be more appropriate in a personal message... I'm laughing so hard I can't see.
Ever play the board game, "Balderdash"?
It is full of useless words like moogul... it's a herd of monkeys, or a crowd, or whatever... yeah. lol
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I was just thinking, people read this, and it's meant to be "serious" lol
Comment from JourneyHolm
Well done, CD. At first, I thought she was writing "Mom", which I think you intended us to believe. However, you quickly dispelled that notion with the officer's thoughts about the grotesque murder by the parents and the rumors circulating the office. This was captivating and ended well...for the reader, not the officer. Thank you for sharing.
Might I suggest an addition to the line (in paragraph 3), "...her slight frame soaked with the blood..." which can be changed to, "...her slight frame soaked rich with the blood..." It continues the imagery and tone, and also creates internal rhyme, which is pleasant every now and then for the reader. Just a suggestion that came to mind.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2015
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Well done, CD. At first, I thought she was writing "Mom", which I think you intended us to believe. However, you quickly dispelled that notion with the officer's thoughts about the grotesque murder by the parents and the rumors circulating the office. This was captivating and ended well...for the reader, not the officer. Thank you for sharing.
Might I suggest an addition to the line (in paragraph 3), "...her slight frame soaked with the blood..." which can be changed to, "...her slight frame soaked rich with the blood..." It continues the imagery and tone, and also creates internal rhyme, which is pleasant every now and then for the reader. Just a suggestion that came to mind.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2015
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Thank you. JourneyHolm for your generous review. And I welcome your suggestions for improvements at any time. Regarding your proposed alteration, would it be ok to message you about this? I have a couple of other possibilities that I'd like to run by you. Many thanks, Craig.
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Of course! I would love to hear your thoughts and am always willing to give my own.
Comment from ~Dovey
This is an extremely clever piece. There are a lot of ways you could have gone with that sentence. I applaud your creativity. Take a look at some of the spelling, just a couple of quick tweaks. Nothing to warrant docking the rating. One sentence stuck out as redundant, I would just drop it completely:
He never made the call.
Overall, I loved it! My guess is that it will be the most original take on this writing prompt. Good luck!
Kim
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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This is an extremely clever piece. There are a lot of ways you could have gone with that sentence. I applaud your creativity. Take a look at some of the spelling, just a couple of quick tweaks. Nothing to warrant docking the rating. One sentence stuck out as redundant, I would just drop it completely:
He never made the call.
Overall, I loved it! My guess is that it will be the most original take on this writing prompt. Good luck!
Kim
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Thank you Dovey, for your very kind words, and for the generous review. I've removed the offending sentence as you suggested, and also in line with your comments and those from previous reviews, I've adjusted some of the spelling (not that it was incorrect, just written for a different, somewhat smaller, audience). Your criticisms are always appreciated. Many thanks,