Beautiful Death
Viewing comments for Chapter 10001 "When Daddy died"from birth I have longed for death
3 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Coral, powerful writing again mate. The emotion was very evident in this chapter, sadness, fear and love all shone through nicely. I laughed at him trying to change the native girls and them cutting breast holes in the shirts Hahaha! They sound like Filipinos to me, where was he at that stage?
That would be a scary job being an MP I would imagine, it would certainly toughen a person up. I enjoyed this chapter my friend. You are doing really well and I am proud of you....PS: I had read the raid chapter, my brain is just tired and I forgot.
A few little considerations for you....
"meaning his was(-was) responsibility was to police his own men, dragging them out of bars and enforcing rules."
I recall just before he died(Mom made) an insinuation that dad had been close to a native gal, this from mom.(-this from mom.)"
"dad(Dad) refused to allow him to break the rules making him wait for his right away.(right of way.)"
"The year Of(of) his accident was 1954, I was just four years old."
"he would think one thing, such as a name of something or some one(someone) but it would come out something else."
"she was with dad a lot and as a child I saw my mothers(mother's) pain."
"my face blew up like a balloon, he carried me to appointment's(appointments) until I could see again. When very small I recall him hiking miles carrying me on his shoulder's(shoulders) because the truck broke down."
"dad would start the loud motor and con(Con) would run for the house climbing"
"I don't believe dad ever managed to convince con(Con) that the saw was safe."
"Dad's beliefs were often confusing, Him(his) mother was important"
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 15-May-2015
  |
G'day Coral, powerful writing again mate. The emotion was very evident in this chapter, sadness, fear and love all shone through nicely. I laughed at him trying to change the native girls and them cutting breast holes in the shirts Hahaha! They sound like Filipinos to me, where was he at that stage?
That would be a scary job being an MP I would imagine, it would certainly toughen a person up. I enjoyed this chapter my friend. You are doing really well and I am proud of you....PS: I had read the raid chapter, my brain is just tired and I forgot.
A few little considerations for you....
"meaning his was(-was) responsibility was to police his own men, dragging them out of bars and enforcing rules."
I recall just before he died(Mom made) an insinuation that dad had been close to a native gal, this from mom.(-this from mom.)"
"dad(Dad) refused to allow him to break the rules making him wait for his right away.(right of way.)"
"The year Of(of) his accident was 1954, I was just four years old."
"he would think one thing, such as a name of something or some one(someone) but it would come out something else."
"she was with dad a lot and as a child I saw my mothers(mother's) pain."
"my face blew up like a balloon, he carried me to appointment's(appointments) until I could see again. When very small I recall him hiking miles carrying me on his shoulder's(shoulders) because the truck broke down."
"dad would start the loud motor and con(Con) would run for the house climbing"
"I don't believe dad ever managed to convince con(Con) that the saw was safe."
"Dad's beliefs were often confusing, Him(his) mother was important"
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 15-May-2015
reply by the author on 15-May-2015
-
Once again thank you.
I try to fix my mistakes quickly, when they are pointed out.
As you may have noticed, some things just don't seem to stick in my brain.
It sounds as though you are over working. Take care.
-
You are always welcome Coral, it is my pleasure
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Great job! I really like your story, you have an incredible mind and remember so much and in detail.
I found just a couple of places that need commas or space=.
on the paragraph that starts with 'After dad came home from the army I would put a comma after army ....
on the paragraph that starts with "His accident .... the army,He was..... needs a period and a space after army
on the paragraph starting ''' As I grew up....to the stories, Myself each time......."" needs a period, not a comma after stories
story review
-action flows smoothly
-descriptive language used
-excellent format
-excellent character development
-held my interest all the way to the end
Write on!
reply by the author on 13-May-2015
|
Great job! I really like your story, you have an incredible mind and remember so much and in detail.
I found just a couple of places that need commas or space=.
on the paragraph that starts with 'After dad came home from the army I would put a comma after army ....
on the paragraph that starts with "His accident .... the army,He was..... needs a period and a space after army
on the paragraph starting ''' As I grew up....to the stories, Myself each time......."" needs a period, not a comma after stories
story review
-action flows smoothly
-descriptive language used
-excellent format
-excellent character development
-held my interest all the way to the end
Write on!
Comment Written 13-May-2015
reply by the author on 13-May-2015
-
thank you.
I am slipping and releasing my chapters half done, I apologize.
-
No worries, they are small changes, easy to correct. I do the same. When I have an idea for a story, it comes out of me like a torrent. It's a great story.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
"Dads heart stopped, he died/he lived" should be "Dad's heart stopped. He died/he lived". "accident," should be "accident." "dad" should be "Dad". "Mp" should be "MP". "at him," should be "at him." There are others and I won't continue. Careless proofreading indicates sloppy writing.
reply by the author on 13-May-2015
 |
"Dads heart stopped, he died/he lived" should be "Dad's heart stopped. He died/he lived". "accident," should be "accident." "dad" should be "Dad". "Mp" should be "MP". "at him," should be "at him." There are others and I won't continue. Careless proofreading indicates sloppy writing.
Comment Written 13-May-2015
reply by the author on 13-May-2015
-
As usual you are to the point. I have no excuse, I seem to lately be slipping more.
I was writing late and my mind looses things I learn fast. I think I am not releasing unfinished work, but do.
I appreciate your help, it is far more helpful than empty stars.
Please don't give up on me.