The Promise
A show of devotion43 total reviews
Comment from Michaelk
I like this opening chapter. It was so full of innocence, and humor. 'Awful wedded husband' was brilliant. It was interesting to see the world from Tommy's view. He seems to see the world as black and white. I don't want to move, so I'll get married then we can't move, simple.
An excellent precursor/introduction chapter.
Check your tense, toward the end of this chapter you did a little switching back and forth between past and present.
Other than that, a great chapter.
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
  |
I like this opening chapter. It was so full of innocence, and humor. 'Awful wedded husband' was brilliant. It was interesting to see the world from Tommy's view. He seems to see the world as black and white. I don't want to move, so I'll get married then we can't move, simple.
An excellent precursor/introduction chapter.
Check your tense, toward the end of this chapter you did a little switching back and forth between past and present.
Other than that, a great chapter.
Comment Written 16-May-2015
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
-
Thank you for stopping to read and share.
Tense changing is such a hassle for me, I always mess that up.
Thanks again... John
-
I know what you mean, I have problems with tense too.
Comment from abbasjoy
What a beautiful friendship, these two best friends have. And isn't friendship essential in a marriage? You've got to take time to know each other before the wedding. That's what the time of courtship is all about. These two have the right idea.
Enjoyable write.
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
|
What a beautiful friendship, these two best friends have. And isn't friendship essential in a marriage? You've got to take time to know each other before the wedding. That's what the time of courtship is all about. These two have the right idea.
Enjoyable write.
Comment Written 15-May-2015
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
-
Thank you do much. I appreciate your stopping by. John
Comment from Bina1
I really enjoyed this, and appreciate the second part as well. Thank you for sharing. Good character development as well as explaining their relationship. Good reading ahead, I forcast!
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
|
I really enjoyed this, and appreciate the second part as well. Thank you for sharing. Good character development as well as explaining their relationship. Good reading ahead, I forcast!
Comment Written 15-May-2015
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
-
Thank you, Bina. How are you?
John
Comment from w.j.debi
This is so sweet. I wonder if they will keep in contact and become those childhood sweethearts that seem destined to go through their entire lives together. They have rings to prove it.
Great character development. You create vivid imagery.
reply by the author on 02-May-2015
|
This is so sweet. I wonder if they will keep in contact and become those childhood sweethearts that seem destined to go through their entire lives together. They have rings to prove it.
Great character development. You create vivid imagery.
Comment Written 01-May-2015
reply by the author on 02-May-2015
-
Thank you for reading and sharing. I am thinking of a sequel to the story. Hopefully soon... John
-
Great idea. I think y have a winner here.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hi John, I'm always amazed and touched at how you seem to enter the child's mind when you write.
Beautifully done. You brought a lump to my throat.
Sonali
Nicole, take me as your awful wedded husband?" .. love this precious moment.
a little forward(.) (I)t's gotta be here. The
The August sun was relentless(,) showering rays of heat .
Nicole said(,) (while ... drop 'while) waving her dandelion ring around
He then went on (about) how it was no big deal.
She (had) tor(n) off all the leaves and knotted the naked
Nicole thought for a second(,) then nodded in agreement
The sun beat down on both of them(,) making their faces gleam with
Nicole blushed, but knew it (was) for the best, so she closed her eyes and
Once they made contact they both jerked away and furiously wiped their lips with (their) sweaty arms
Tommy nod(ded) and they continue(d) to run to the house (,)then through the back door ... suggest: ... and they ran to the house, then ....
Mrs. Fallon!" Nicole yell(ed).
she said nervously(,) beginning to stand.... suggest: ...she stood up and said nervously
Once in (his) room, he flopped
Tommy asked(,) (while - 'while' is not required) propping himself up with his elbows
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
|
Hi John, I'm always amazed and touched at how you seem to enter the child's mind when you write.
Beautifully done. You brought a lump to my throat.
Sonali
Nicole, take me as your awful wedded husband?" .. love this precious moment.
a little forward(.) (I)t's gotta be here. The
The August sun was relentless(,) showering rays of heat .
Nicole said(,) (while ... drop 'while) waving her dandelion ring around
He then went on (about) how it was no big deal.
She (had) tor(n) off all the leaves and knotted the naked
Nicole thought for a second(,) then nodded in agreement
The sun beat down on both of them(,) making their faces gleam with
Nicole blushed, but knew it (was) for the best, so she closed her eyes and
Once they made contact they both jerked away and furiously wiped their lips with (their) sweaty arms
Tommy nod(ded) and they continue(d) to run to the house (,)then through the back door ... suggest: ... and they ran to the house, then ....
Mrs. Fallon!" Nicole yell(ed).
she said nervously(,) beginning to stand.... suggest: ...she stood up and said nervously
Once in (his) room, he flopped
Tommy asked(,) (while - 'while' is not required) propping himself up with his elbows
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
-
Sonali, considering all those corrections, thank you for those generous stars.
I'm glad you enjoyed this little story. I might write a sequel to it, twenty years later... Maybe.
Thank you for the support and encouragement.
John
Comment from Delahay
Oh what a terrible thing to happen to two people who are obviously such close friends. They aren't old enough to understand what is happening to them and are going to have a really bad time dealing with the loss.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
|
Oh what a terrible thing to happen to two people who are obviously such close friends. They aren't old enough to understand what is happening to them and are going to have a really bad time dealing with the loss.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
-
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. John
Comment from happykat4
Good story line, great delivery and so true for many young friends. This tugged at my heart strings. At the age of 7 or 8, I had a boy who also had to move away. He was a good friend but his parent had found a job elsewhere. You story had some mystery until we found out what the grass had held. The idea of marriage was a great idea because of the reasoning they had behind it. Very clever on the characters part. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
|
Good story line, great delivery and so true for many young friends. This tugged at my heart strings. At the age of 7 or 8, I had a boy who also had to move away. He was a good friend but his parent had found a job elsewhere. You story had some mystery until we found out what the grass had held. The idea of marriage was a great idea because of the reasoning they had behind it. Very clever on the characters part. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
-
Thank you happykat for a great review.
John
Comment from Dean Kuch
In trying to do better for their families, fathers often have to move to accept a better paying position and take their family along with them. I've had to do so a time or two myself, moving away from a small rural town of just a little over 1,200 souls in Ohio, to Norfolk, Virginia. Norfolk is a US Naval hub, and a fairly good sized city. The culture shock was very trying on our children, to say the least. Having to move away from all of the family they had ever known in their young lives up until that point --grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins -- to a strange city filled with a diverse group of people was very traumatic for them. They were able to keep in touch through social media with their old friends and family back home, but that only seemed to make them more homesick.
That being said, your story is a wonderfully written coming of age tale, John. We adults often take for granted that our children will find new friends, undergo new experiences that will cause them to forget about what they left behind. But that's just not the case.
Like Dorothy said to her family at the conclusion of that beloved classic film, The Wizard of Oz..."There's no place like home..."
Excellent writing here, my friend...~Dean
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
|
In trying to do better for their families, fathers often have to move to accept a better paying position and take their family along with them. I've had to do so a time or two myself, moving away from a small rural town of just a little over 1,200 souls in Ohio, to Norfolk, Virginia. Norfolk is a US Naval hub, and a fairly good sized city. The culture shock was very trying on our children, to say the least. Having to move away from all of the family they had ever known in their young lives up until that point --grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins -- to a strange city filled with a diverse group of people was very traumatic for them. They were able to keep in touch through social media with their old friends and family back home, but that only seemed to make them more homesick.
That being said, your story is a wonderfully written coming of age tale, John. We adults often take for granted that our children will find new friends, undergo new experiences that will cause them to forget about what they left behind. But that's just not the case.
Like Dorothy said to her family at the conclusion of that beloved classic film, The Wizard of Oz..."There's no place like home..."
Excellent writing here, my friend...~Dean
Comment Written 25-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
-
Thank you Dean for such a good review. It's nice to hear stories from other writers in how something I wrote impacts the reader.
Have a great weekend. John
-
You're welcome, John. It's always a pleasure.
~Dean
Comment from kriver
Hi
I think this is an outstanding story for kids.
It is something kids would really do
There is very good character interaction
in this piece.
It has a very good dialogue sequence and
flow.
The scene descriptions are well detailed.
Over all I think it is a fine write.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
 |
Hi
I think this is an outstanding story for kids.
It is something kids would really do
There is very good character interaction
in this piece.
It has a very good dialogue sequence and
flow.
The scene descriptions are well detailed.
Over all I think it is a fine write.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
-
kriver, thank you for the illustrious review supplemented by the six stars!
Always appreciated, John
Comment from BlueMarble
What a wonderful story. I really enjoyed reading about this "wedding." From a child's point of view that certainly should have solved the problem. I love the personalities of these children and want to read more about them. You could build a whole series around either one of them.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
|
What a wonderful story. I really enjoyed reading about this "wedding." From a child's point of view that certainly should have solved the problem. I love the personalities of these children and want to read more about them. You could build a whole series around either one of them.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
-
BM... Thank you very much for a fantastic review. John