Beautiful Death
Viewing comments for Chapter 10036 "when"from birth I have longed for death
8 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Coral, I loved it mate but I felt bad about the treatment and happy about him being a dink (I'm glad you put the "N" in dink LOL) Great stuff and something a bit different for you, well done.
A couple of suggestions to maybe improve the flow a bit...
"When did it start
beating of my heart
so new to me
this should not to(-to) be"
"wanting me not at all (try... Didn't want me at all)
waited for true loves call"
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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G'day Coral, I loved it mate but I felt bad about the treatment and happy about him being a dink (I'm glad you put the "N" in dink LOL) Great stuff and something a bit different for you, well done.
A couple of suggestions to maybe improve the flow a bit...
"When did it start
beating of my heart
so new to me
this should not to(-to) be"
"wanting me not at all (try... Didn't want me at all)
waited for true loves call"
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 08-May-2015
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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I am going to fix this (if I can) now.
Thank you.
Comment from rspoet
You've written a very nice poem.
It rhymes well all the way through in its own pattern
No need to blink, he clearly was a dink
I think you said it well
Excellent
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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You've written a very nice poem.
It rhymes well all the way through in its own pattern
No need to blink, he clearly was a dink
I think you said it well
Excellent
Comment Written 06-May-2015
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Thank you!
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
when by cbat
Good job!
-excellent rhythm
-action flows smoothly
-descriptive language used
-excellent character development
-held my interest all the way to the end
Write on!
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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when by cbat
Good job!
-excellent rhythm
-action flows smoothly
-descriptive language used
-excellent character development
-held my interest all the way to the end
Write on!
Comment Written 06-May-2015
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Thank you!
Comment from Hawaiian Mermaid
Aloha from Hawaii,
Your poem said it all, glad you dumped the dink, I think. Got a good laugh at the end. Have a good day.
Aloha, Ginger
Hawaiian Mermaid
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Aloha from Hawaii,
Your poem said it all, glad you dumped the dink, I think. Got a good laugh at the end. Have a good day.
Aloha, Ginger
Hawaiian Mermaid
Comment Written 06-May-2015
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Thank you!
Comment from Brett Matthew West
"date's" and "break's" should be dates and breaks. Poem format would present better if the verses were somehow separated.
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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"date's" and "break's" should be dates and breaks. Poem format would present better if the verses were somehow separated.
Comment Written 06-May-2015
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Thank you.
This is helpful I am fixing now.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Cbat...
I like the description all the way through this, and then in the end trying decide if he is insignificant or perhaps the real thing.
Nicely penned in it's simplicity.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Hi, Cbat...
I like the description all the way through this, and then in the end trying decide if he is insignificant or perhaps the real thing.
Nicely penned in it's simplicity.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 06-May-2015
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Thank for your review, Actually he was my sisters real thing.
Although for awhile I actually missed him.
Comment from Maritza M. Mejia
I love the flow, rhyme and simple lines.
Excellent description of the title "when"
My favorite lines:
"when did it start
when he talked
I was shocked
my heart rocked "
Good work!
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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I love the flow, rhyme and simple lines.
Excellent description of the title "when"
My favorite lines:
"when did it start
when he talked
I was shocked
my heart rocked "
Good work!
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Thank you!
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You're very welcome!
Maritza
Comment from kintesiegel
this story of love and love lost and recognition that he wasn't even worth it was pulled off with just a few words in each sentence. You manage to show the passage of time and action in this short poem.
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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this story of love and love lost and recognition that he wasn't even worth it was pulled off with just a few words in each sentence. You manage to show the passage of time and action in this short poem.
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thank you