Love in the Sand
Blank Verse83 total reviews
Comment from boxergirl
Hey Teresa, I am not as familiar with the in's and out's of blank verse poetry but I do like the way the poem reads, especially stanza one. Good job and best of luck in the contest! 8-)
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Hey Teresa, I am not as familiar with the in's and out's of blank verse poetry but I do like the way the poem reads, especially stanza one. Good job and best of luck in the contest! 8-)
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you so much;)
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Thank you so much;)
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Thank you so much;)
Comment from RGstar
Didn't understand the author's notes as some of the symbols askew.
The poem was nicely relayed from a simple point of view. Innocence is the simplest form, and that is what this represents. Love in its simplest form. Beautiful.
Best wishes,
RGstar
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Didn't understand the author's notes as some of the symbols askew.
The poem was nicely relayed from a simple point of view. Innocence is the simplest form, and that is what this represents. Love in its simplest form. Beautiful.
Best wishes,
RGstar
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Sorry about the author notes - it was a copy paste from the online dictionary. It showed fine on my computer. Thanks for the review RG:)
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Sorry about the author notes - it was a copy paste from the online dictionary. It showed fine on my computer. Thanks for the review RG:)
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Sorry about the author notes - it was a copy paste from the online dictionary. It showed fine on my computer. Thanks for the review RG:)
Comment from mountainwriter49
Second Review = 5 Stars
First Review = 4 Stars
FIRST REVIEW (7 April 15)
Hi, Teresa,
I'm thrilled you have posted a blank verse poem for the Site's blank verse contest. I admire how you've presented the BV in tercets.
Your poem's theme is delightful and universal. Walking the sandy shores is both romantic and enchanting, particularly for the young at heart and young in love. This theme works well with the blank verse format.
Your use of enjambment is most effective and enhances the iambic meter and mitigates the absence of rhyme.
The iambic meter is spot-on in all lines but 5 and 8. In line 5, the natural stress for 'into' is the first syllable. This is particularly so when 'into' begins a line.
Additionally, line 8 felt a little forced to me. Reading lines 7 & 8 together, aloud, the "I Love.." came off as each being stressed. Saying it as: i LOVE you doesn't feel like natural speech to me. Now, this could be just me, but I offer it up for your consideration.
I found one pair of end-line rhymes as follows: Lines 4 & 8: displaced / encased. These are true rhymes.
I found two pairs of internal-line rhymes as follows:
Line 5: into / blue (true rhyme)
Line 8: love / lovers (proximate identical rhyme)
With a few minor tweaks, this poem should have strong standing in the contest. I'm reviewing tightly since this is a contest. Please let me know if you edit so I can return and re-review.
Respectfully,
Ray
SECOND REVIEW: (8 April 15)
Teresa,
Thanks for tweaking your poem and asking me to take a second look.
Then iambic meter is now good and solid. I'm not finding any end-line rhyme. I'm not finding any internal-line rhyme. Based on these corrections, I'm restoring the 5th Star.
May I offer some general editorial suggestions for you to consider?
Line 1: hand[-]in[-]hand
Line 2: the wind-swept ocean shores
(this allows removal of word duplication: 'sandy' in lines 2 & 3.
Line 5: to cross the blue[,]
line 8: framed in heart[,]
Again, this is a beautiful poem and should now be a strong contender for the contest.
-Ray
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Second Review = 5 Stars
First Review = 4 Stars
FIRST REVIEW (7 April 15)
Hi, Teresa,
I'm thrilled you have posted a blank verse poem for the Site's blank verse contest. I admire how you've presented the BV in tercets.
Your poem's theme is delightful and universal. Walking the sandy shores is both romantic and enchanting, particularly for the young at heart and young in love. This theme works well with the blank verse format.
Your use of enjambment is most effective and enhances the iambic meter and mitigates the absence of rhyme.
The iambic meter is spot-on in all lines but 5 and 8. In line 5, the natural stress for 'into' is the first syllable. This is particularly so when 'into' begins a line.
Additionally, line 8 felt a little forced to me. Reading lines 7 & 8 together, aloud, the "I Love.." came off as each being stressed. Saying it as: i LOVE you doesn't feel like natural speech to me. Now, this could be just me, but I offer it up for your consideration.
I found one pair of end-line rhymes as follows: Lines 4 & 8: displaced / encased. These are true rhymes.
I found two pairs of internal-line rhymes as follows:
Line 5: into / blue (true rhyme)
Line 8: love / lovers (proximate identical rhyme)
With a few minor tweaks, this poem should have strong standing in the contest. I'm reviewing tightly since this is a contest. Please let me know if you edit so I can return and re-review.
Respectfully,
Ray
SECOND REVIEW: (8 April 15)
Teresa,
Thanks for tweaking your poem and asking me to take a second look.
Then iambic meter is now good and solid. I'm not finding any end-line rhyme. I'm not finding any internal-line rhyme. Based on these corrections, I'm restoring the 5th Star.
May I offer some general editorial suggestions for you to consider?
Line 1: hand[-]in[-]hand
Line 2: the wind-swept ocean shores
(this allows removal of word duplication: 'sandy' in lines 2 & 3.
Line 5: to cross the blue[,]
line 8: framed in heart[,]
Again, this is a beautiful poem and should now be a strong contender for the contest.
-Ray
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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I hadn't seen your review yet when I PM'd you so thanks for the review and help. I had totally missed the rhyme of displaced/encased. I'll work on it and let you. Thanks so much.
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I hadn't seen your review yet when I PM'd you so thanks for the review and help. I had totally missed the rhyme of displaced/encased. I'll work on it and let you. Thanks so much.
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I hadn't seen your review yet when I PM'd you so thanks for the review and help. I had totally missed the rhyme of displaced/encased. I'll work on it and let you. Thanks so much.
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I have made several changes, would you please re-review and let me know if you think it is ok now? Thanks so much
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Thanks for all the new suggestions and for the five stars! You are a great teacher and reviewer:) I will be making those etra tweeks.
Comment from stephybs
Lovely piece with a very descriptive look a the Oceans of love come to life. I wander how many people have draw their names in the sand ? Food for thought. Excellent! Stephanie
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Lovely piece with a very descriptive look a the Oceans of love come to life. I wander how many people have draw their names in the sand ? Food for thought. Excellent! Stephanie
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you Stephanie.
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Thank you Stephanie.
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Thank you Stephanie.
Comment from skye
Lovely poem, with perfect form.
I enjoyed the art choice, which brought the poem to life, with the sand, the waves, the erasing of the declaration of love and its continual need to change the landscape.
Excellent.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Lovely poem, with perfect form.
I enjoyed the art choice, which brought the poem to life, with the sand, the waves, the erasing of the declaration of love and its continual need to change the landscape.
Excellent.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you skye:)
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Thank you skye:)
Comment from krys123
Teresa; Very Picturesque Imagery
+ Near and notable alliteration's:/"hand in hand"/"sandy ocean shores"/
+ Picture immediately caught my eye and then I realize how outstanding it is in very appropriate, relative and complementary to the poem. Especially with the two hard signs in the sand as the waves are slowly creeping on them.
+ Enjambment is used which is the running on of a thought and concepts from one stanza and line to the next without a syntactical break.
+ Rhythmic meter (Iambic pentameter), cadence, timing, movement and tempo all were helpful in making the reading clear, fluid and very easy.
+ Imagery is fabulous and very distinct and clear and overwhelmingly expressive and demonstratively and vividly descriptive: "Two love his walking hand in hand across the sandy ocean shores, their simple note of love recorded on the sandy beach." Just as the picture is relative to the poem it is definitely relative to these lines.
+ Poetic summary and assessment: I really enjoyed this triplet verse tercets As they were written very well in a blank verse form. I was very impressed with the concept which really addressed the imagery so well in the imagination was truly inventive and ingeniously creative throughout.
+ Good luck in the contest and may the good Lord be with you always Teresa.
Alex
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Teresa; Very Picturesque Imagery
+ Near and notable alliteration's:/"hand in hand"/"sandy ocean shores"/
+ Picture immediately caught my eye and then I realize how outstanding it is in very appropriate, relative and complementary to the poem. Especially with the two hard signs in the sand as the waves are slowly creeping on them.
+ Enjambment is used which is the running on of a thought and concepts from one stanza and line to the next without a syntactical break.
+ Rhythmic meter (Iambic pentameter), cadence, timing, movement and tempo all were helpful in making the reading clear, fluid and very easy.
+ Imagery is fabulous and very distinct and clear and overwhelmingly expressive and demonstratively and vividly descriptive: "Two love his walking hand in hand across the sandy ocean shores, their simple note of love recorded on the sandy beach." Just as the picture is relative to the poem it is definitely relative to these lines.
+ Poetic summary and assessment: I really enjoyed this triplet verse tercets As they were written very well in a blank verse form. I was very impressed with the concept which really addressed the imagery so well in the imagination was truly inventive and ingeniously creative throughout.
+ Good luck in the contest and may the good Lord be with you always Teresa.
Alex
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you Alex:)
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Thank you Alex:)
Comment from Bill Schott
I see you anticipated the athart questions. I like the images of love that stand profound yet have their evidence erased. Nice.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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I see you anticipated the athart questions. I like the images of love that stand profound yet have their evidence erased. Nice.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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I had someone question athwart so I added the note:) Thanks Bill!
Comment from Pantygynt
A very pleasant piece of blank verse in tercets, which makes a refreshing change. As an ex sailor I love your use of the word 'athwart'. Its rhytm is of course tailor made for iambics unlike the phrase 'I love you or seen', which seems to me to wobble. The natural stresses would be level on all three of the first three words and the 'or' would be unstressed with s'een' stressed. When you try to adapt it to iambic rhythm it doesnt' work too well. I can't remember where but I seem to remember a fellow called Shakespeare having the same problem and he solved it by ending his line "I love". You could just lose the "you" and insert a single unstressed syllable word before "lovers". One obvious one springs immediately to mind.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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A very pleasant piece of blank verse in tercets, which makes a refreshing change. As an ex sailor I love your use of the word 'athwart'. Its rhytm is of course tailor made for iambics unlike the phrase 'I love you or seen', which seems to me to wobble. The natural stresses would be level on all three of the first three words and the 'or' would be unstressed with s'een' stressed. When you try to adapt it to iambic rhythm it doesnt' work too well. I can't remember where but I seem to remember a fellow called Shakespeare having the same problem and he solved it by ending his line "I love". You could just lose the "you" and insert a single unstressed syllable word before "lovers". One obvious one springs immediately to mind.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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Thanks for your help. I'll take a look at it:)
Comment from LIJ Red
Bridging port and starboard gunwales. Was it Pat Boone that sang the 1950s hit about Love Letters In The Sand? At any rate your musing has come to many, but
you do a fine job voicing it.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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Bridging port and starboard gunwales. Was it Pat Boone that sang the 1950s hit about Love Letters In The Sand? At any rate your musing has come to many, but
you do a fine job voicing it.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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Thank you so much:)
Comment from walbc
An excellent free verse poem. Lovers throughout time have playfully expressed their feelings in sand, and you have captured this theme with your words. Their expressions of love are brief indeed, for the ocean always comes to erase them. Well done. Regards, Wendy.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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An excellent free verse poem. Lovers throughout time have playfully expressed their feelings in sand, and you have captured this theme with your words. Their expressions of love are brief indeed, for the ocean always comes to erase them. Well done. Regards, Wendy.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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Thank you Wendy:)
