Love in the Sand
Blank Verse83 total reviews
Comment from Alan K Pease
Hearts etched in the sand face lovers with a choice to walk on or feel the vibrance of the sea as it melds the hearts together. The grasses of dunes are a spot for passion as I found out on my honeymoon. Excellent blank verse. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Hearts etched in the sand face lovers with a choice to walk on or feel the vibrance of the sea as it melds the hearts together. The grasses of dunes are a spot for passion as I found out on my honeymoon. Excellent blank verse. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thanks Alan:)
Comment from Treischel
A beautifully executed Romantic Blank Verse. The meter was captured perfectly, enforced by the lovely poetic imagery and captured thoughts, about those two entwined hearts whose image will soon be washed away. So sweet! So endearing!
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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A beautifully executed Romantic Blank Verse. The meter was captured perfectly, enforced by the lovely poetic imagery and captured thoughts, about those two entwined hearts whose image will soon be washed away. So sweet! So endearing!
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you so much:)
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
I love this! I'm married in two days and we're planning on going to Cancun for our honeymoon even though it won't be right after. I can't wait to write our name in the sand like this. Great job
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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I love this! I'm married in two days and we're planning on going to Cancun for our honeymoon even though it won't be right after. I can't wait to write our name in the sand like this. Great job
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you for the great review! Congrats on the wedding and have fun when you go to Cancun. I have been to Cozumel ( a little Island of Mexico) and loved it and in fact we are thinking of moving there in a couple of years.
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Alright, now I'm jealous. LOL
Comment from fimarie78
I like the shape of your poem with the three line stanzas and iambic pentameter.
The beach is a wonderful place and walking with a new lover is so special.
I am sure so many of us have written our names in the sand or maybe on a tree trunk. One will fade away and the other will stand the test of time, as hopefully the relationship will.
best of luck for the contest
Fiona
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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I like the shape of your poem with the three line stanzas and iambic pentameter.
The beach is a wonderful place and walking with a new lover is so special.
I am sure so many of us have written our names in the sand or maybe on a tree trunk. One will fade away and the other will stand the test of time, as hopefully the relationship will.
best of luck for the contest
Fiona
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you Fiona:)
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Thank you Fiona:)
Comment from risktaker
Love comes and goes, just like the flow of the ocean waves. Oceans and beach memories are plentiful during the romance process. I like the imagery and the flow.The scenes are vivid and real. Great job.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Love comes and goes, just like the flow of the ocean waves. Oceans and beach memories are plentiful during the romance process. I like the imagery and the flow.The scenes are vivid and real. Great job.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you for the great review:)
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ok
Comment from ravenblack
If this were not entered into the blank verse contest, this would be a five for me. All those hearts on the beach, those ephemeral grains subject to the sea are really An eternal sigh. Technically, your meter is off in several places and there can be no end rhyme ( displaced/encased). Should you make changes, I will change my rating.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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If this were not entered into the blank verse contest, this would be a five for me. All those hearts on the beach, those ephemeral grains subject to the sea are really An eternal sigh. Technically, your meter is off in several places and there can be no end rhyme ( displaced/encased). Should you make changes, I will change my rating.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you so much for pointing out the end rhyme - I missed that. I do need to work on it.
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I have made several changes, would you please re-review and let me know if you think it is ok now? Thanks so much
Comment from garrymc5
---Two lovers walking hand in hand across
the sandy ocean shores = nice rhytmn. Better without the word ocean.
---sandy ocean shores, their simple note
of love recorded on the sandy = sandy used twice. Revise.
--- their simple note
of love recorded on the sandy beach. = the rhythm is lost here.
--- drafts = if you use that word, how does it relate to the first stanza? There must be a link.
---then tossed upon the shore athwart the sea? = lovely rhythm
--- third stanza needs more work. sand used again. Repeat of 'How many= a good idea.
A Quick crit. Hope it helps.
Here's one of mine. (hope you understand the Australian references)
Perpetual Train
Hawkesbury River 2014
I know night blankette,
slate-grey five am,
Churchillian grave,
fully tempered
on a heartbeat's train to the Hunter.
See youthful sleepers,
blind to the Roman morrow,
pulsing over river and bridge,
tidal in anonymous overcoats,
bare feet in waivering aisles,
pink toehold to the trembling meniscus of day.
Moonlit initiation,
Hawkesbury horizon,
their tremolo train snaking
the dreamer's shore,
the forest floor,
sandstone walls and leering quarry
on a heartbeat's train to the Hunter.
Woy Woy sleepers
in perpetual refrain,
tunnelling the dreamtime hours,
corroboree heads under stone,
track reverberations incanting the fearful lore
flight or fight or feign
on a heartbeat's train to the Hunter.
Clammy necks to demon black,
locked in tunnel,
id-dyllic tempo in flickering light,
the traveller's rattle,
the dreamer's battle
swift flight to
fair light and feeble station,
on the heartbeat train to the Hunter.
Boys alight in their grub shuffle
slumber words and tribal grumble,
sounding the backslap day,
the milkshake way,
no more dark tidings on
the heartbeat train to the Hunter.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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---Two lovers walking hand in hand across
the sandy ocean shores = nice rhytmn. Better without the word ocean.
---sandy ocean shores, their simple note
of love recorded on the sandy = sandy used twice. Revise.
--- their simple note
of love recorded on the sandy beach. = the rhythm is lost here.
--- drafts = if you use that word, how does it relate to the first stanza? There must be a link.
---then tossed upon the shore athwart the sea? = lovely rhythm
--- third stanza needs more work. sand used again. Repeat of 'How many= a good idea.
A Quick crit. Hope it helps.
Here's one of mine. (hope you understand the Australian references)
Perpetual Train
Hawkesbury River 2014
I know night blankette,
slate-grey five am,
Churchillian grave,
fully tempered
on a heartbeat's train to the Hunter.
See youthful sleepers,
blind to the Roman morrow,
pulsing over river and bridge,
tidal in anonymous overcoats,
bare feet in waivering aisles,
pink toehold to the trembling meniscus of day.
Moonlit initiation,
Hawkesbury horizon,
their tremolo train snaking
the dreamer's shore,
the forest floor,
sandstone walls and leering quarry
on a heartbeat's train to the Hunter.
Woy Woy sleepers
in perpetual refrain,
tunnelling the dreamtime hours,
corroboree heads under stone,
track reverberations incanting the fearful lore
flight or fight or feign
on a heartbeat's train to the Hunter.
Clammy necks to demon black,
locked in tunnel,
id-dyllic tempo in flickering light,
the traveller's rattle,
the dreamer's battle
swift flight to
fair light and feeble station,
on the heartbeat train to the Hunter.
Boys alight in their grub shuffle
slumber words and tribal grumble,
sounding the backslap day,
the milkshake way,
no more dark tidings on
the heartbeat train to the Hunter.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you for the review. I do appreciate your help with this:)
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I have made several changes, would you please re-review and let me know if you think it is ok now? Thanks so much
Comment from alf collier
Hi Teresa. What beautiful thoughts you had in your mind when you wrote this piece. I can sense a mellow mood, loving heart, discerning eye and serenity in your words. Love this, alf
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Hi Teresa. What beautiful thoughts you had in your mind when you wrote this piece. I can sense a mellow mood, loving heart, discerning eye and serenity in your words. Love this, alf
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you Alf:)
Comment from misscookie
First I want to wish you luck in the contest.
I love photos of the love message in the sand.
Your words told it all.
The water may wash the words away but the love remains in their hearts
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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First I want to wish you luck in the contest.
I love photos of the love message in the sand.
Your words told it all.
The water may wash the words away but the love remains in their hearts
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you Cookie:)
Comment from IndianaIrish
Wonderful changes to your BV, Teresa! It reads like a song now. Ratings up where it belongs.
This is such a beautiful poem, Teresa. It's such a romantic image and the photo is perfect for your words. I believe there is a rhyme in the ending words displaced/encased. Also internal rhyme of love/lovers. The only line I had trouble with the meter is line 8 because I want to stress I Love You as all three stressed. But it might be me as I'm far from being an expert reader of iambic. Let me know if you fix those rhymes, and I'll rate the poem higher. Best wishes in the contest.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Wonderful changes to your BV, Teresa! It reads like a song now. Ratings up where it belongs.
This is such a beautiful poem, Teresa. It's such a romantic image and the photo is perfect for your words. I believe there is a rhyme in the ending words displaced/encased. Also internal rhyme of love/lovers. The only line I had trouble with the meter is line 8 because I want to stress I Love You as all three stressed. But it might be me as I'm far from being an expert reader of iambic. Let me know if you fix those rhymes, and I'll rate the poem higher. Best wishes in the contest.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Karyn, thank you so much for the help. I just read another review of mine that pointed out the displace/encased. I did not notice that.
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I have made several changes, would you please re-review and let me know if you think it is ok now? Thanks so much
