A Mother's Gamble
Flash fiction that describes a mother's desperate gamble.20 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
A good work of flash which tells the story of horrible dilemma for any mother: stay with her trapped child, and risk being missed, or go for help and leave the child alone. Neither choice is a good one, but in this instance hers pays off.
There are a couple of places where I think you could tighten up, though. And I also felt the story lacked any deep emotion from the main character (I accept this is tough to inject in such a short piece). There's an example in my suggestions of the type of tweaks I think you could make to change this.
Suggestions:
Emma traipsed through thick snow to reach safety, the tangled mass of her car resting against the tree that had taken it out.
--The two halves of this sentence don't quite gel for me-her traipsing through the snow has no direct correlation with the position of the car. However, if you tweaked it so it reads "Emma traipsed through thick snow to reach safety, (away from) the tangled mass of her car resting against the tree that had taken it out." The two halves work, but you would then need to free up two words elsewhere. (swapping 'that had taken' for 'which took' would free up one straight away.)
She listened for an approaching vehicle, and threw herself in its path.
--You could use 'jumped' instead of 'threw herself' to save another word here.
--You have several sentences starting 'She did X' in quick succession here and with it being such a short story, the repetition really stands out. For example, where you have "She could hear Melissa's cries as she reached the road.", you could substitute it for something like "Melissa's cries tore at her as she reached the road." It alters the sentence structure, which breaks up the pattern, and also injects some emotion without altering the word count.
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reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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A good work of flash which tells the story of horrible dilemma for any mother: stay with her trapped child, and risk being missed, or go for help and leave the child alone. Neither choice is a good one, but in this instance hers pays off.
There are a couple of places where I think you could tighten up, though. And I also felt the story lacked any deep emotion from the main character (I accept this is tough to inject in such a short piece). There's an example in my suggestions of the type of tweaks I think you could make to change this.
Suggestions:
Emma traipsed through thick snow to reach safety, the tangled mass of her car resting against the tree that had taken it out.
--The two halves of this sentence don't quite gel for me-her traipsing through the snow has no direct correlation with the position of the car. However, if you tweaked it so it reads "Emma traipsed through thick snow to reach safety, (away from) the tangled mass of her car resting against the tree that had taken it out." The two halves work, but you would then need to free up two words elsewhere. (swapping 'that had taken' for 'which took' would free up one straight away.)
She listened for an approaching vehicle, and threw herself in its path.
--You could use 'jumped' instead of 'threw herself' to save another word here.
--You have several sentences starting 'She did X' in quick succession here and with it being such a short story, the repetition really stands out. For example, where you have "She could hear Melissa's cries as she reached the road.", you could substitute it for something like "Melissa's cries tore at her as she reached the road." It alters the sentence structure, which breaks up the pattern, and also injects some emotion without altering the word count.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Okay, thanks. I will look into improvements! You know, it does really help to have constructive criticism, even when it stings, it's what helps us to grow, and that's why I joined this site - to improve my writing.
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If you get a chance, would you, please look it over again? I've made some changes. Thanks.
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I've had a look at the changes and upped the rating to a 5 to reflect the improvements. It flows better now it hasn't got so many "she did"s in it. (Overuse of that sentence type is something I struggle with myself so I know how tricky it can be to change.)
If I'm being really picky, you could take the 'that' out of the this sentence "her car resting against the tree that it had struck" to really tighten up.
Good changes overall and I'm glad you found the review helpful.
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I did find it helpful, and I remember thing about the repetitive phrase myself. I also like the idea you gave for having the mother more passionate. I also added in the change more feebleness for the mother to explain her lack of judgement as she was injured herself. I will go back and remove "that". Thanks for the second review and the help!
Comment from Tatarka2
Wow. This was a GREAT entry! Congratulations on your win. I completely agree with the voters. This is powerful, and haunting, and only 100 words! Well done. Again, congratulations.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Wow. This was a GREAT entry! Congratulations on your win. I completely agree with the voters. This is powerful, and haunting, and only 100 words! Well done. Again, congratulations.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Thank you so much!!!
Comment from Debbie Noland
I am always amazed at what people come up with for flash fiction. Here, you very carefully meet all the requirements while presenting a real dilemma and the suspense that accompanies it. You achieve good description in your meticulous choice of words despite the restrictions imposed by the word limit.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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I am always amazed at what people come up with for flash fiction. Here, you very carefully meet all the requirements while presenting a real dilemma and the suspense that accompanies it. You achieve good description in your meticulous choice of words despite the restrictions imposed by the word limit.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Debbie. I always start with a short story, and then cut it down, trying to incorporate all important elements. Unfortunately, many things get left out. Thanks, again, for taking the time to review!
Comment from mfowler
Congratulations, Rhondda.
This is a fine mini-flash fiction.
All the elements of Main Character, Setting, Conflict, Resolution come together in a dramatic tale of mother's instinct to save her baby. You paced it perfectly and the story had amazing depth for 100 words.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Congratulations, Rhondda.
This is a fine mini-flash fiction.
All the elements of Main Character, Setting, Conflict, Resolution come together in a dramatic tale of mother's instinct to save her baby. You paced it perfectly and the story had amazing depth for 100 words.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Thank you so much. Coming from you, that is a great compliment and analysis. I am used to writing novels, but am learning to enjoy the smaller works. It challenges you more. Thank you, again, for the feedback!
Comment from Judy Couch
This is an interesting plot. I don't understand why she had to throw herself in front of the truck, though. On a cold, snowy day or night I would think that he would have stopped without risking a near accident.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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This is an interesting plot. I don't understand why she had to throw herself in front of the truck, though. On a cold, snowy day or night I would think that he would have stopped without risking a near accident.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your review. She was desperate and disoriented, but that part got cut out when making the cuts for 100 words.
Comment from Pen of Fire
A mother's love depicted in this story is so real. So much said in so few words. Written well and I love the art work you chose. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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A mother's love depicted in this story is so real. So much said in so few words. Written well and I love the art work you chose. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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Thank you so much for your kind and generous review! A mother's love doesn't really need many words, does it?
Comment from fimarie78
Well done. There is nothing stronger than a mother's love for her child and I can't even imagine how awful this scenario would feel.
'tangled mass' was a good description for the state of the car.
I'm glad you gave her the courage to go for help and I like the punchline- ' a mothers gamble paid off'
good luck in the contest Fiona
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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Well done. There is nothing stronger than a mother's love for her child and I can't even imagine how awful this scenario would feel.
'tangled mass' was a good description for the state of the car.
I'm glad you gave her the courage to go for help and I like the punchline- ' a mothers gamble paid off'
good luck in the contest Fiona
Comment Written 04-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Fiona. I am learning to put more meaning into fewer words.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Live or die trying. Emma took a gamble this time and it paid big dividends for her and her daughter, Melissa. Fate is very fickle that way sometimes. Some would have been run over, squashed to pulp by the barreling truck. While others like Emma have the fates on their side.
Great piece of flash fiction. It could actually happen.
Best of luck to you. ~Dean
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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Live or die trying. Emma took a gamble this time and it paid big dividends for her and her daughter, Melissa. Fate is very fickle that way sometimes. Some would have been run over, squashed to pulp by the barreling truck. While others like Emma have the fates on their side.
Great piece of flash fiction. It could actually happen.
Best of luck to you. ~Dean
Comment Written 04-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Dean. It was a fun contest. There was a wonderful horror piece in it as well.
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Jack and Jill, I read it. In fact, I read them all. Lots of great entries in this one. I'm glad I stayed out of it, LOL.
You're very welcome. ~Dean
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It was fun, though!
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Yeah, I love flash fiction myself, if it's done properly. But, you may already know that by now, heh-heh. ;)
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Indeed!
Comment from jpduck
That's certainly a complete story and it complies with all the contest requirements. I wish you the very best of luck with the contest.
Adrian
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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That's certainly a complete story and it complies with all the contest requirements. I wish you the very best of luck with the contest.
Adrian
Comment Written 04-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Adrian!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is a very interesting tale. Well written and pause for thought. Although you do have to wonder at the mental state of a woman who would throw herself in front of a truck when she could have just stood on the road for basically the same effect. Putting her own life and the child's at risk!
Neatly told tale.
GMG
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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Hi there,
This is a very interesting tale. Well written and pause for thought. Although you do have to wonder at the mental state of a woman who would throw herself in front of a truck when she could have just stood on the road for basically the same effect. Putting her own life and the child's at risk!
Neatly told tale.
GMG
Comment Written 04-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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Thank you. Yes, more logical, but less interesting story.