Comment from Tatarka2

Excellent

I don't know anything about formatting, but I love your message. I'm giving you a 6 for this on the message alone. There are so many great entries in this contest. This wasn't as lyrical or beautiful as some, but it fulfilled the prompt and said something so important. Thanks for sharing this. I think Paul and Cat would be proud.

 Comment Written 21-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015

Thanks for your comment.
I enjoyed writing it.

Maybe it should be a longer piece where Geoff and me get into a proper fight,
with knives flying and guns going off.

I find many of the verses in the bible to be more profound than the preacher will allow.
The wages of sin one is a good example.

Comment from giraffmang

Good

Hi there,

I enjoyed reading this tale. It is quite a challenge to tell a whole tale on 200 words. Interesting use of the song title.

I thought that the dialogue was a bit stilted for a couple of young fellas, I would assume judging from the 'youtube' fame. The wages of sin line also seemed a bit odd.

Good luck in the contest.
GMG

 Comment Written 20-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 20-Mar-2015

Thanks for your comments.

Maybe I could add some clarification of my ideas.

It's a philosophical piece, rather than a spiritual piece or nature piece. Maybe they all overlap.

The wages of sin bit is a swipe at fundamentalists who quote scripture without thinking it through.

A sort of running battle I have with the religious brainwashers.

Maybe it's all in my mind though!

Re youtube, maybe older people can use it as well. The money should attract allsorts.

Thanks.

Comment from Debra White

Excellent

Hi Richard :)
I enjoyed your take on the title you chose from the list - thanks for taking part in the contest, also for the mention in your notes... glad to have been instrumental in inspiring some of your ideas!
Great story, I'm glad they let the leopard go - I liked their banter too, it sounded natural and was thought provoking. I enjoyed the turn at the end - from talk of prehistoric times to Youtube fame in less than 200 words ... How's that for rapid progress?!
Good luck in the booth :) Kindest regards as always, Debra

 Comment Written 20-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 20-Mar-2015

Thanks for your comments.

Am just about to post a poem with the song structure and metre.
But I have doubts about it.
That's why I subsequently wrote the narrative piece for the competition.

I have always liked Moon Shadow as the images in it are so stark. An 'if' poem.

Comment from Selina Stambi

Excellent

Hello Richard,

Looks like you had great fun with this one!

Here's to all the wannabe You-tube millionaires. :)

A thoughtful write. Best wishes for the contest.

Sonali


just the same, that('s) what makes us tick.

Geoff(.) '(R)ead the magazines. The stories are about who's getting off with who(m).'

I said(.) '(T)hey are still trying. We all want

elephants(no comma needed here) and bears used to outnumber
us humans

'and now it's the other way (a)round.'

me,' I replied(.) 'So many people, and

exclaimed(.) '(W)e're here to go hunting.

 Comment Written 19-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 20-Mar-2015

Thanks for your comments, and spotting typos.

The original piece was too many words so I have now edited, or redacted, it!

Hope the present piece contains no typos.