The Ripple Effect
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Driving to Aunt Jenny's"A couple's tour about England takes many turns....
6 total reviews
Comment from sadie
Interesting and in some cases confusing. Getting to Aunt Tilly's nearly did me in. The first part of the chapter was difficult to follow. It took some time to understand exactly what you were trying to say and what line of thought the chapter was taking. A lot of seemingly unrelated, yet really related, activity taking place in this chapter. I will need to take the time and read some of the other chapter to get a little better understanding of your style. Other than all that I did find it an interesting read.
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Interesting and in some cases confusing. Getting to Aunt Tilly's nearly did me in. The first part of the chapter was difficult to follow. It took some time to understand exactly what you were trying to say and what line of thought the chapter was taking. A lot of seemingly unrelated, yet really related, activity taking place in this chapter. I will need to take the time and read some of the other chapter to get a little better understanding of your style. Other than all that I did find it an interesting read.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2005
Comment from kye saich
The beginning of the chapter confused
me abit untill it got to the fact he was falling
asleep, that was very well done, just like the
rest of the chapter i enjoyed this very much.
No mistakes that i can see.
Well done
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The beginning of the chapter confused
me abit untill it got to the fact he was falling
asleep, that was very well done, just like the
rest of the chapter i enjoyed this very much.
No mistakes that i can see.
Well done
Comment Written 19-Sep-2005
Comment from tielj
Like the contrast between the slightly surreal, stream-of-consciousness narrative tone and the everyday, matter-of-fact vocabulary of the characters. Good balance between dialogue and description.
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Like the contrast between the slightly surreal, stream-of-consciousness narrative tone and the everyday, matter-of-fact vocabulary of the characters. Good balance between dialogue and description.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2005
Comment from Kym Jade
We do believe this is the first time we have had the pleasure of reading your work. Tee Hee.
You have us hooked with your wonderful story. We can't help wondering where it is going. It is a pleasure to read a story so full of mystery, intrigue and magic. We found the work flowed very well and also found no errors. The only query we have is are there woodpeckers in England? Thank you for sharing this and we look forward to the next chapter. Forge on Mcduff.
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We do believe this is the first time we have had the pleasure of reading your work. Tee Hee.
You have us hooked with your wonderful story. We can't help wondering where it is going. It is a pleasure to read a story so full of mystery, intrigue and magic. We found the work flowed very well and also found no errors. The only query we have is are there woodpeckers in England? Thank you for sharing this and we look forward to the next chapter. Forge on Mcduff.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2005
Comment from Mzhurst
I did enjoy the chapter and with a few edits I think you will have another excellent addition to the book. I still,at my age, love classic cars. I guess you never get too old. lol
Some suggestions for you to look at.
How did he know my last name?(' All a mystery. )Incomplete sentence
McCail is in heaven driving the Alice, but when Seth finds out his baby, his joy, his everything, has been rented all hell will break loose, explode.
Rare, beautiful, exciting to look at, is this classic, along with all Seth's passengers, mostly women. Women with curves that match the car's<-- cars and who stroke and stoke a man's imagination to the point
The Alice is the sweetheart of England, for men, that is. Women find her a threat, somewhat of a distraction, as it pulls so on men, begging for attention. <-- change to a comma as the next sentece is a fragment--Basically a man's thing, which they dare not pass on. Viewing her leave is just as nice as viewing her coming. Again, just like a woman. Resist? No way!
Looking up McCail sees he's drifted into oncoming traffic. "Shit!,< close with "-- softly leaps from his mouth.
When tracking the events in his mind he stumbles on: ('S) s-omeone called my name. Who?'
The front gardens are colorful, alive, breathing in moisture, while the homes are mostly brick with (well placed )< well-placed--stone.
They merely nod and say, "Bye," as they, moments<-- moment's-- later, close the door to their room.
They follow the whirlwind check-in and the hot, much needed shower with a nap, < either delete the comma or change to( nap, which)--that will last about two hours upon a king-size bed fitted with crisp white linen sheets.
The spacious (two-storey) <-- two-story--house rests in a neighborhood of oaks in long rows lining Cottage View Way.
deceptive: from the front of the house it lies below the street, but from the back it appears a (three-storey) < -- story--home. The McClarrys have parked their car in its covered garage.
McCail adjusts his chair closer to (Ann, then ) Ann and then--continues. "It's like every moment and movement about us became magnified and stopped. I though
But things moved so, so quickly I, < should be a ; At<-- at-- least not that I noticed. Aw, who knows, Ann. It's just weird!" McCail leans forward.
The way he kept tugging at his crotch I thought he was going to start moonwalking." < moon walking
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I did enjoy the chapter and with a few edits I think you will have another excellent addition to the book. I still,at my age, love classic cars. I guess you never get too old. lol
Some suggestions for you to look at.
How did he know my last name?(' All a mystery. )Incomplete sentence
McCail is in heaven driving the Alice, but when Seth finds out his baby, his joy, his everything, has been rented all hell will break loose, explode.
Rare, beautiful, exciting to look at, is this classic, along with all Seth's passengers, mostly women. Women with curves that match the car's<-- cars and who stroke and stoke a man's imagination to the point
The Alice is the sweetheart of England, for men, that is. Women find her a threat, somewhat of a distraction, as it pulls so on men, begging for attention. <-- change to a comma as the next sentece is a fragment--Basically a man's thing, which they dare not pass on. Viewing her leave is just as nice as viewing her coming. Again, just like a woman. Resist? No way!
Looking up McCail sees he's drifted into oncoming traffic. "Shit!,< close with "-- softly leaps from his mouth.
When tracking the events in his mind he stumbles on: ('S) s-omeone called my name. Who?'
The front gardens are colorful, alive, breathing in moisture, while the homes are mostly brick with (well placed )< well-placed--stone.
They merely nod and say, "Bye," as they, moments<-- moment's-- later, close the door to their room.
They follow the whirlwind check-in and the hot, much needed shower with a nap, < either delete the comma or change to( nap, which)--that will last about two hours upon a king-size bed fitted with crisp white linen sheets.
The spacious (two-storey) <-- two-story--house rests in a neighborhood of oaks in long rows lining Cottage View Way.
deceptive: from the front of the house it lies below the street, but from the back it appears a (three-storey) < -- story--home. The McClarrys have parked their car in its covered garage.
McCail adjusts his chair closer to (Ann, then ) Ann and then--continues. "It's like every moment and movement about us became magnified and stopped. I though
But things moved so, so quickly I, < should be a ; At<-- at-- least not that I noticed. Aw, who knows, Ann. It's just weird!" McCail leans forward.
The way he kept tugging at his crotch I thought he was going to start moonwalking." < moon walking
Comment Written 18-Sep-2005
Comment from Norbanus
This is an intense chapter, hagar. You really keep the story pushing ahead. Here are a few technical issues that you might want to consider:
"Welcome folks. You must be the McClarrys,(;) I'm Tilly.
Few words are said by Ann and McCail(Passive voice, consider: 'Ann and McCail say few words') as Tilly directs their every move.
After the whirlwind check-in, a hot and much-needed shower is followed by(Passive voice, consider: 'They follow the whirlwind check-in and the hot, much needed shower with a nap') that will last about two hours upon a king-size bed fitted with crisp white linen sheets.
There is also a basement wherein the owner, Tilly Way, lives with her husband, Jack Stewart Way, a rugby coach at a local high school. (Wordiness and passive voice. Consider: 'Tilly Way, lives in the basement with her husband, Jack Stewart Way, a rugby coach at a local high school.')
Across town(,) a young woman's features reflect in a tall mirror on this summer night.
Later, after resting and when the evening begins to unfold, at last light of sunset,(Repeated idea, delete 'at the last light of sunset') duntant we find the two sweethearts sharing thoughts over the flickering dinner light of a single candle.
Remember the time we sat in the bedroom at your old house and the moment seemed to stand still and time slowed to a crawl?(Repeated idea, 'the moment seemed to stand still'/'time slowed to a crawl', delete one or the other.)
"How could I forget that time, Mac.(?)
"Come on,(;) let's go back to the room."
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This is an intense chapter, hagar. You really keep the story pushing ahead. Here are a few technical issues that you might want to consider:
"Welcome folks. You must be the McClarrys,(;) I'm Tilly.
Few words are said by Ann and McCail(Passive voice, consider: 'Ann and McCail say few words') as Tilly directs their every move.
After the whirlwind check-in, a hot and much-needed shower is followed by(Passive voice, consider: 'They follow the whirlwind check-in and the hot, much needed shower with a nap') that will last about two hours upon a king-size bed fitted with crisp white linen sheets.
There is also a basement wherein the owner, Tilly Way, lives with her husband, Jack Stewart Way, a rugby coach at a local high school. (Wordiness and passive voice. Consider: 'Tilly Way, lives in the basement with her husband, Jack Stewart Way, a rugby coach at a local high school.')
Across town(,) a young woman's features reflect in a tall mirror on this summer night.
Later, after resting and when the evening begins to unfold, at last light of sunset,(Repeated idea, delete 'at the last light of sunset') duntant we find the two sweethearts sharing thoughts over the flickering dinner light of a single candle.
Remember the time we sat in the bedroom at your old house and the moment seemed to stand still and time slowed to a crawl?(Repeated idea, 'the moment seemed to stand still'/'time slowed to a crawl', delete one or the other.)
"How could I forget that time, Mac.(?)
"Come on,(;) let's go back to the room."
Comment Written 17-Sep-2005