The Virus
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Transformation"Changing the world's attitudes
2 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
A very creative, intelligent read. You are in a very delicate part of the story, as I'm sure you are aware: you need to pass on certain information to the reader (while you are allegedly passing it on to the "population" within the novel. I'll be perfectly honest with you (writer to writer), if physical existence depended on the transfer of that information, a quarter of the population would die! Were I living there, I would have been one of them. You are obviously quite intelligent, and you are writing an intelligent novel.
Being a novel you've written, Cogitator, you need to appeal equally (I want to say "more") to the emotions. Emotions, being the expression of humanity, you can't have a chapter that does not include the interaction of people. I feel this is something you already know, but either overlooked or decided to abandon for the greater cause, to you, of explaining the nuts and bolts of systems and procedures. I go into this further below:
Here are some other considerations:
As more and more communication of the final picture took place, more and more leaders [Just a suggestion: for second "more and more" why not just use "more"?]
to someone wanting to communicate in Italian [Suggest a synonym for one of the "someones". You used three in two sentences.]
Anytime one is describing systems and procedures and it goes on for several paragraphs, it can get quite dry. I would suggest you have two or more characters discussing these changes. The advantage of doing this is whenever it get's complicated, one of the characters can be the voice of the reader by speaking out with "I don't understand" or "help me with understanding this."
After introductions, he begins: [After introductions, he BEGAN:]
I certainly hope you didn't take my review as a statement of your writing ability. I recognize high intelligence in the writer and the writing. But I would not be doing my best to be supportive of your efforts if I wasn't honest in my review.
Jay
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
  |
A very creative, intelligent read. You are in a very delicate part of the story, as I'm sure you are aware: you need to pass on certain information to the reader (while you are allegedly passing it on to the "population" within the novel. I'll be perfectly honest with you (writer to writer), if physical existence depended on the transfer of that information, a quarter of the population would die! Were I living there, I would have been one of them. You are obviously quite intelligent, and you are writing an intelligent novel.
Being a novel you've written, Cogitator, you need to appeal equally (I want to say "more") to the emotions. Emotions, being the expression of humanity, you can't have a chapter that does not include the interaction of people. I feel this is something you already know, but either overlooked or decided to abandon for the greater cause, to you, of explaining the nuts and bolts of systems and procedures. I go into this further below:
Here are some other considerations:
As more and more communication of the final picture took place, more and more leaders [Just a suggestion: for second "more and more" why not just use "more"?]
to someone wanting to communicate in Italian [Suggest a synonym for one of the "someones". You used three in two sentences.]
Anytime one is describing systems and procedures and it goes on for several paragraphs, it can get quite dry. I would suggest you have two or more characters discussing these changes. The advantage of doing this is whenever it get's complicated, one of the characters can be the voice of the reader by speaking out with "I don't understand" or "help me with understanding this."
After introductions, he begins: [After introductions, he BEGAN:]
I certainly hope you didn't take my review as a statement of your writing ability. I recognize high intelligence in the writer and the writing. But I would not be doing my best to be supportive of your efforts if I wasn't honest in my review.
Jay
Comment Written 07-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
-
I thank you very much for the input. Great help...John
Comment from onebrit
While I like the egalitarian world view, I think it is somewhat simplistic. Many people would set themselves up in their own "kingdoms" and impose their will. Power would be under the control of who ever was in charge. Most people have no farming skills and who would build the digester and with what. If no one is delivering gas cars dont run and no one can get about. People would not be happy walking to their new bucolic lives. People dont adapt easily or willingly. I may of course be missing the entire point!
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2014
|
While I like the egalitarian world view, I think it is somewhat simplistic. Many people would set themselves up in their own "kingdoms" and impose their will. Power would be under the control of who ever was in charge. Most people have no farming skills and who would build the digester and with what. If no one is delivering gas cars dont run and no one can get about. People would not be happy walking to their new bucolic lives. People dont adapt easily or willingly. I may of course be missing the entire point!
Comment Written 07-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2014
-
You are right about individual kingdoms, but that would only happen without communication. The shock of blindness for some days would take the wind out of most egoistic sails. As for farming skills and the transportation issue, the answers are forthcoming. Thank you for the review...John