Oct 19th contest
3 total reviews
Comment from Diny
You lost me after this...
I have been here two weeks and the only human contact that I have had has been with my lab team. Since I slept on most of the flight here I do not have to worry about regaining my strength to much.
typo- too much- and way too passive voice...also your first sentence was strong you talk about regrets then BAM you start entirely somewhere else. the transition into the story needs to be smoother
write on good luck
Di
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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You lost me after this...
I have been here two weeks and the only human contact that I have had has been with my lab team. Since I slept on most of the flight here I do not have to worry about regaining my strength to much.
typo- too much- and way too passive voice...also your first sentence was strong you talk about regrets then BAM you start entirely somewhere else. the transition into the story needs to be smoother
write on good luck
Di
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thank you. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
Comment from risktaker
Interesting opening. Looks like He is exploring living life away from earth. He is learning through trial and error. He seems to be alone and realizes that the planet is not geared
for human conveniences. I want to read more. Thanks
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Interesting opening. Looks like He is exploring living life away from earth. He is learning through trial and error. He seems to be alone and realizes that the planet is not geared
for human conveniences. I want to read more. Thanks
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thank you. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
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ok
Comment from beside still waters
Intriguing. Where's this planet? What is it called? What is going to happen next? :) Does that sound like music to an author? The first sentence does not make sense to me but maybe that's because I'm only simple minded. And maybe you intend to clarify that later in the story.. Another thing, I, I, I, I... People don't like the same word too much so leave it out when you can. Example: "I tasted the water and did not drop dead." eliminates the second "I" and makes it flow better. It can be troublesome to rebuild sentences and figure out how to avoid such but the smoothness is worth it! But again, where's this at? Who are you? Some famous scientist? Well good luck to you and your mission! :)
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Intriguing. Where's this planet? What is it called? What is going to happen next? :) Does that sound like music to an author? The first sentence does not make sense to me but maybe that's because I'm only simple minded. And maybe you intend to clarify that later in the story.. Another thing, I, I, I, I... People don't like the same word too much so leave it out when you can. Example: "I tasted the water and did not drop dead." eliminates the second "I" and makes it flow better. It can be troublesome to rebuild sentences and figure out how to avoid such but the smoothness is worth it! But again, where's this at? Who are you? Some famous scientist? Well good luck to you and your mission! :)
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thank you. Your feedback is greatly appreciated. The planet is Saturn . I hope to continue the story.
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Oh good! Looking forward to hopefully learning some fun facts about Saturn that will stick better written in fun story fashion than they would if I picked up science book with a loong, stiff article about it. ;)