The Little Dog That Wouldn't Let Go
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 " Our 'Weekender' & My Music Tuition"Subtitle: God Never Lets Go!
29 total reviews
Comment from Sixty70
This is a memoir about your childhood in Australia. I see you've already had quite a bit of feedback about SPAG and about the differences among types of English, so I won't go there. For what it's worth, here are some thoughts.
You have a nice writing style for descriptive detail. You also put your toe in the water and write a few scenes, showing rather than telling, which is the big deal for fiction. Showing engages readers.
Your approach seems to be stream of consciousness, and while that has worked for some famous authors, it may not be as effective as adding some organization to your memoir. Consider working out an overarching structure that will help you focus on what's important while giving the reader a sense of what your childhood was like.
Best to you.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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This is a memoir about your childhood in Australia. I see you've already had quite a bit of feedback about SPAG and about the differences among types of English, so I won't go there. For what it's worth, here are some thoughts.
You have a nice writing style for descriptive detail. You also put your toe in the water and write a few scenes, showing rather than telling, which is the big deal for fiction. Showing engages readers.
Your approach seems to be stream of consciousness, and while that has worked for some famous authors, it may not be as effective as adding some organization to your memoir. Consider working out an overarching structure that will help you focus on what's important while giving the reader a sense of what your childhood was like.
Best to you.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Thanks new friend. I appreciate your review. Dunno why the four but no matter. This is NOT FICTION this was my life. I have dealt with folks before who want me to flavour (flavor in USA hehe) but I am just as you acknowledged telling my story. I appreciate your comments and I will look into it again. This was a last run through to self publishing. All suggestions always welcome.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written chapter. If we did all the things our parents told us to do with our whole hearts we could have become more successful and famous.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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A very well-written chapter. If we did all the things our parents told us to do with our whole hearts we could have become more successful and famous.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Yeah, Mum wanted me to be a concert pianist. Howeve,r I had then and still have a hearing problem so it may not have worked out. Later you will see a man wanted me to even be a conductor of an orchestra...more later. Thanks again.
Comment from MelB
Another great chapter. Your dad was quite the inventive guy. I'm still not sure I can picture the bathing set up! My son didn't become what I wanted either.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Another great chapter. Your dad was quite the inventive guy. I'm still not sure I can picture the bathing set up! My son didn't become what I wanted either.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Funny you coming through here just after I had the SCC removed off my head. I blamed doing the music on the beach for the cancer. Glad they make the kids cover up more these days. Will get more photos on this later. Now i know how to do it. Thanks!
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Just came back and looked had forgotten I updated the photos sort of a "then and now" kind a thing although some of the 'now' was back more than 40 years ago, hehe.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Interesting notes about the pictures used with this well written story. Seems your dad was rather creative, probably had to be, just to keep the family in survival mode.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2015
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Interesting notes about the pictures used with this well written story. Seems your dad was rather creative, probably had to be, just to keep the family in survival mode.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2015
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Thanks Brett. Haven't forgotten you mate. Get back soon. Will get another old chapter up tomorrow with some extra pictures on it and a bit more comment.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
Fanstory is so annoying, I see you have the same issue as me where it's posted the split chapters back to front. It's good that yo have labelled them well so we can go to your portfolio and read in the correct order.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2014
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Fanstory is so annoying, I see you have the same issue as me where it's posted the split chapters back to front. It's good that yo have labelled them well so we can go to your portfolio and read in the correct order.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2014
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Thanks for your wonderful rewardless support.Yeah well actually I did the wrong thing telling Tom what I had done splitting the chapters but as Mikey (Michael Cahill a good mate since I came here in July last year) said I shouldn't have told Tom that I went back and split them up to add more as I did ADD NEW INFO it was not just a re-run of the original bigger chapters yes annoying the order FS puts split chapter up. Thanks again.
Comment from RonCraig
I realize there are differences in phrases so forgive me for offering what appears smoother to me. I think you should combine paragraphs 1 & 2 and push the last sentence in 2 into para. 3
I'm nearly 63 now, but I can still remember climbing up onto the piano stool at the age of three to play simple 2 & 3 finger chords. Watching me then, one might saw "there is a future performer" as I tried to play the keyboard instrument instead of banging indiscriminately on the keys. My parents saw real promise in my ability on the piano and at age four I began music lessons. It would seem my musical talent came from both sides of our family. Dad could belt out a tune on the piano and Mum was gifted with the Harmonica."
"I also remember in my very young days, Dad often would sing a song "The Yellow Rose of Texas". I looked it..."
I promise no one will check but "Mrs. F" is awkward. Mrs. Franklin...
I missed something in the last paragraph. What I get is that you were playing something, your mother was pleased with hearing you play until she found out it wasn't something your teacher taught you then punished you for it???
Ron
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2014
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I realize there are differences in phrases so forgive me for offering what appears smoother to me. I think you should combine paragraphs 1 & 2 and push the last sentence in 2 into para. 3
I'm nearly 63 now, but I can still remember climbing up onto the piano stool at the age of three to play simple 2 & 3 finger chords. Watching me then, one might saw "there is a future performer" as I tried to play the keyboard instrument instead of banging indiscriminately on the keys. My parents saw real promise in my ability on the piano and at age four I began music lessons. It would seem my musical talent came from both sides of our family. Dad could belt out a tune on the piano and Mum was gifted with the Harmonica."
"I also remember in my very young days, Dad often would sing a song "The Yellow Rose of Texas". I looked it..."
I promise no one will check but "Mrs. F" is awkward. Mrs. Franklin...
I missed something in the last paragraph. What I get is that you were playing something, your mother was pleased with hearing you play until she found out it wasn't something your teacher taught you then punished you for it???
Ron
Comment Written 29-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2014
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Thanks for the advice mate and yes you got it right about what I was playing. I was creative back then and I do have Christmas Carols and stuff I have written that are on Fan Story as well in my Really Truly Christmas Carols" book if interested. I think Mum was upset as she thought I was doing really well with what the teacher set but I weas naughty I guess. Thanks.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent chapter, sankey, you did an excellent job writing this chapter. your dad sounds like he was very creative with your rides. I don't understand what you were playing on the piano to make your mother spank you.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2014
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this is an excellent chapter, sankey, you did an excellent job writing this chapter. your dad sounds like he was very creative with your rides. I don't understand what you were playing on the piano to make your mother spank you.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2014
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I was playing by ear...my own creation and I deceived her I guess ha! Thanks for the review.
Comment from onebrit
What sweet pictures you have found, the old black and whites as kids are just magical. I am so enjoying this, lucky me to come in on the rewrite stage of this book. Again, so different than my own upbringing, it is fascinating.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2014
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What sweet pictures you have found, the old black and whites as kids are just magical. I am so enjoying this, lucky me to come in on the rewrite stage of this book. Again, so different than my own upbringing, it is fascinating.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2014
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Thanks new friend appreciate your lovely review. back in those days B/W photos were a lot cheaper and Colour was very expensive what goesaround comes around ha! Thanks again.
Comment from scd41
You have put it in a very natural way the dreams of parents and the attitude of children to their hobbies in the line 'Even a Concert Pianist, which is what Mother wanted. But who does what their parents want, aye?!' The narrations of Weekender and Moonah Moonah Creek are vivid and captivating. Wishing you success in your publishing efforts!
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2014
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You have put it in a very natural way the dreams of parents and the attitude of children to their hobbies in the line 'Even a Concert Pianist, which is what Mother wanted. But who does what their parents want, aye?!' The narrations of Weekender and Moonah Moonah Creek are vivid and captivating. Wishing you success in your publishing efforts!
Comment Written 16-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2014
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Thanks yet another new friend. Appreciate your visit.Hope you looked at the first chapter if you have time. Trying to get all these up again as a lot of them have had drastic changes for sequence sake and so on. have been working on this for probably a year or more on FS and longer before I found this great site. Have to look and see what you are doing in FS we all try and help each other. We are getting closer and closer to the big final harrah with my book. Stay tuned ok! There will, of course be many more photos in the published work.
Comment from Gargantuan2
Nice to have things written well. Those memories are important. I do have some suggested corrections:
closer to Lane Cove that Ryde
closer to Lane Cove than Ryde
vegetables and a pices of beef
vegetables and pieces of beef
We had a swing and a "Whirly-Jigger" thing made from a tree stump with a galvanized steel pipe down the middle and cooking fat spread on the top of the stump, around the piping, under another crossing pole of a tree; with a hole drilled through it, and its base shaved down, to sit over the steel pole in the stump.
We had a swing and a "Whirly-Jigger" thing made from a tree stump with a galvanized steel pipe down the middle and cooking fat spread on the top of the stump. Around the piping, under another crossing pole of a tree with a hole drilled through it, he shaved its base down to sit over the steel pole in the stump.
making it to use to get across
making it to get across
to transport stuff across it
to transport stuff
Weekender, and at that time we depended
Weekender and, at that time, we depended
cooking and drinking and of course that all important regular "cuppa."
cooking, drinking and, of course, that all important regular "cuppa."
On the other side of the road was a large area of sand, in between the beach and the road.
(be more specific, does the road fold on itself or is there a second road? Maybe it should read 'On the other side of the road was a large area of sandy beach up to the road.')
A local attraction at those times was the CSSM* on the bank of the creek, on the Huskisson side.(Children's Special Services Beach Missions* are still run all over Australia, to this day; more than 50 years later.)
A local attraction at those times was the CSSM (Children's Special Services beach Missions) on the Huskisson bank side of the creek. Today, 50 years later, those are still run all over Australia.
reselling of same, later on
reselling of the same, later on
These changes are meant to make the flow easier. I hope I have been helpful and I look forward to the next part.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2014
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Nice to have things written well. Those memories are important. I do have some suggested corrections:
closer to Lane Cove that Ryde
closer to Lane Cove than Ryde
vegetables and a pices of beef
vegetables and pieces of beef
We had a swing and a "Whirly-Jigger" thing made from a tree stump with a galvanized steel pipe down the middle and cooking fat spread on the top of the stump, around the piping, under another crossing pole of a tree; with a hole drilled through it, and its base shaved down, to sit over the steel pole in the stump.
We had a swing and a "Whirly-Jigger" thing made from a tree stump with a galvanized steel pipe down the middle and cooking fat spread on the top of the stump. Around the piping, under another crossing pole of a tree with a hole drilled through it, he shaved its base down to sit over the steel pole in the stump.
making it to use to get across
making it to get across
to transport stuff across it
to transport stuff
Weekender, and at that time we depended
Weekender and, at that time, we depended
cooking and drinking and of course that all important regular "cuppa."
cooking, drinking and, of course, that all important regular "cuppa."
On the other side of the road was a large area of sand, in between the beach and the road.
(be more specific, does the road fold on itself or is there a second road? Maybe it should read 'On the other side of the road was a large area of sandy beach up to the road.')
A local attraction at those times was the CSSM* on the bank of the creek, on the Huskisson side.(Children's Special Services Beach Missions* are still run all over Australia, to this day; more than 50 years later.)
A local attraction at those times was the CSSM (Children's Special Services beach Missions) on the Huskisson bank side of the creek. Today, 50 years later, those are still run all over Australia.
reselling of same, later on
reselling of the same, later on
These changes are meant to make the flow easier. I hope I have been helpful and I look forward to the next part.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2014
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Hey new friend. I appreciate your suggestions and I am staggered I missed a lot of those myself hehe. have you looked at the First Chapter? If not I would love your take on that if you have not done so before. Will work on these and let you know when I have fixed tham and thanks again.
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Hi again I just did a lot of the changes and corrections you suggested. You will notice some changes even on what you suggested but I hope you like what I have done if you have tiome for a quick return visit. Thanks again I really appreciate the great review.
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Looks good.. one other fix:
an all round, very clever and creative fellow
an all around, very clever and creative fellow (this is assuming you did not intend the person described as being circular in nature)
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Hi thanks for coming back will look at that I presume the second line is the correction not sure I get your meaning? You will learn later more about my Dad and his weird ways. Clever in one way but I know I inherit my disorganization from Dad not his cleverness. I appreciate all the help I can get. Hope you looked at chapter 1 as well. Thanks again.
