A Dapper Crow of Blackest Coat
My time's run out...108 total reviews
Comment from drivenbackward
You have a real knack for dark poetry. It's, well, very poetic. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's meant as a compliment. Have you ever considered writing a novel with these types of poems mixed in? That would be a unique angle for the genre.
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You have a real knack for dark poetry. It's, well, very poetic. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's meant as a compliment. Have you ever considered writing a novel with these types of poems mixed in? That would be a unique angle for the genre.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
Comment from Linda Engel
Another good story in poetic form
designed to hold reader to the end. Your end. Your demise that when your time is up and the raven appears., you have no choice, in all your fears, you must slide, you can not hide.
Tis sad it is your recurring dream, You wake relieved it's not what is seemed, and as you put your feet on the floor, you see two black feathers from "Never More".
Well written and well illustrated. Entertaining and thank you for the great notes. Are you eating or drinking something different before bed giving you these nightmares?
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Another good story in poetic form
designed to hold reader to the end. Your end. Your demise that when your time is up and the raven appears., you have no choice, in all your fears, you must slide, you can not hide.
Tis sad it is your recurring dream, You wake relieved it's not what is seemed, and as you put your feet on the floor, you see two black feathers from "Never More".
Well written and well illustrated. Entertaining and thank you for the great notes. Are you eating or drinking something different before bed giving you these nightmares?
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
Comment from rama devi
Hi Dean!
Imaginative, intense, vivid and well penned with musical internal rhyme and end rhyme and very fluid flow. Fine meter! Good phonetics with intermittent poetic devices, like alliteration, etc.
It sounds good read aloud, with just two small stumbles in flow (noted below). Reading aloud, I notice how you choose punctuation to sculpt pauses. However, I also find I payse in the right spots even if reading this with 'proper' punctuation (prose style). It strikes me that the reason I personally prefer the proper punctuation style for this poem is that it is written in a prose-like narrative.
Example of editing second stanza as per this style:
A mist appeared beneath his wings. I heard sad songs as someone sings
when mourning one who's gone to rest; his stare held me, I must confess.
"You realize, when you see me near, that I have come for you, my dear,
to usher you beyond the veil." His amber eyes grew cold and pale...
Two suggestions:
*
then calmly swooped down from the sill,(.) "Go with me now, you must -- you will!"
*
I threw the covers o'er my head,(;) as he drew close, I filled with dread.
These two lines have slightly forced flow:
He leaned low, just o'er me, "Now that I'm here, I've come for thee."
Maybe try:
He leaned real low, just o'er me, "Now that I'm here, I've come for thee."
and this too (reading aloud it's choppy and forced):
'neath my warm blankets I shivered, cold, yet he went on, so brave, so bold...
*
"I'll find you now where e'er you go,(;) unwise to put me off, you know,
*No comma after ? mark:
so why should I consider it?," I wished my sentence he'd acquit --
the reverse syntax in most lines works fine but in this one, the second half makes the end rhyme sound forced:
I wished my sentence he'd acquit --
That phrasing has superb assonance of I and cosnoance of S and T!
Nice assonance of I here too, with flit and gripped:
He ripped the blankets off my bed, then gently flit above my head,
his talons gripped, I sought release, lo'-- as we raised, my life surceased...
Good internal rhyme surceased and release.
Since poetic license permits most of the above things noted, five stars for you--bu I do feel tweaking and fine tuning would make this improve to a higher standard IMHO.
Warm Smiles,
rd
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Hi Dean!
Imaginative, intense, vivid and well penned with musical internal rhyme and end rhyme and very fluid flow. Fine meter! Good phonetics with intermittent poetic devices, like alliteration, etc.
It sounds good read aloud, with just two small stumbles in flow (noted below). Reading aloud, I notice how you choose punctuation to sculpt pauses. However, I also find I payse in the right spots even if reading this with 'proper' punctuation (prose style). It strikes me that the reason I personally prefer the proper punctuation style for this poem is that it is written in a prose-like narrative.
Example of editing second stanza as per this style:
A mist appeared beneath his wings. I heard sad songs as someone sings
when mourning one who's gone to rest; his stare held me, I must confess.
"You realize, when you see me near, that I have come for you, my dear,
to usher you beyond the veil." His amber eyes grew cold and pale...
Two suggestions:
*
then calmly swooped down from the sill,(.) "Go with me now, you must -- you will!"
*
I threw the covers o'er my head,(;) as he drew close, I filled with dread.
These two lines have slightly forced flow:
He leaned low, just o'er me, "Now that I'm here, I've come for thee."
Maybe try:
He leaned real low, just o'er me, "Now that I'm here, I've come for thee."
and this too (reading aloud it's choppy and forced):
'neath my warm blankets I shivered, cold, yet he went on, so brave, so bold...
*
"I'll find you now where e'er you go,(;) unwise to put me off, you know,
*No comma after ? mark:
so why should I consider it?," I wished my sentence he'd acquit --
the reverse syntax in most lines works fine but in this one, the second half makes the end rhyme sound forced:
I wished my sentence he'd acquit --
That phrasing has superb assonance of I and cosnoance of S and T!
Nice assonance of I here too, with flit and gripped:
He ripped the blankets off my bed, then gently flit above my head,
his talons gripped, I sought release, lo'-- as we raised, my life surceased...
Good internal rhyme surceased and release.
Since poetic license permits most of the above things noted, five stars for you--bu I do feel tweaking and fine tuning would make this improve to a higher standard IMHO.
Warm Smiles,
rd
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
Comment from Louise Michelle
Hi Dean,
Which comes first the chicken or the egg. I mean the dream or the inclination. The poor crow has always gotten a bad rap, hasn't it. You've written another eerie poem which I thoroughly enjoyed reading.
Hugs,
Lou
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Hi Dean,
Which comes first the chicken or the egg. I mean the dream or the inclination. The poor crow has always gotten a bad rap, hasn't it. You've written another eerie poem which I thoroughly enjoyed reading.
Hugs,
Lou
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Oh, Dean, I would hate to have a dream like that, I think I would pass away right there and then. It is strange that these birds do make us think of death. I wonder if it is because they are so black and everything about death we put in black. Even mourning. Lovely poem, my friend. Well it was lovely the way you presented it, but the words...couldn't call them lovely, how about...Chilling! LOL. xsx sandra
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Oh, Dean, I would hate to have a dream like that, I think I would pass away right there and then. It is strange that these birds do make us think of death. I wonder if it is because they are so black and everything about death we put in black. Even mourning. Lovely poem, my friend. Well it was lovely the way you presented it, but the words...couldn't call them lovely, how about...Chilling! LOL. xsx sandra
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
Comment from tfawcus
A remarkably fine poem, Dean. I am in awe of your presentation skills! Definite shades of Edgar Allen Poe in the atmosphere you have created here, both with the language and with the rhythm. 'not smart' jarred slightly, not quite being consistent with the idiom of the rest of the poem. Hugely enjoyed in all other respects! I fear that I shall have nightmares tonight!
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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A remarkably fine poem, Dean. I am in awe of your presentation skills! Definite shades of Edgar Allen Poe in the atmosphere you have created here, both with the language and with the rhythm. 'not smart' jarred slightly, not quite being consistent with the idiom of the rest of the poem. Hugely enjoyed in all other respects! I fear that I shall have nightmares tonight!
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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Thanks you very much for your excellent review and exceptional rating, 'T'. I am very grateful!
I changed "not smart" to "unwise", so I hope that helps retain the consistency a bit. I pray you won't be up all night, LOL. I know I've been really troubled by all of these dreams I've had about black birds of late. I have no idea what message they are trying to send.
Thanks so much again, my friend. And pleasant screams!:}
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That reads much better, I think.
If my night is troubled, I guess I'll just need to write a poem about it! The perfect antidote!
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8]
Comment from Green Lake Girl
'Twould be a frightening dream indeed. Good thing you wrote about it; helps clear out any bad mojo.
Love these phrases:
Dapper crow of blackest coat
-and-
Usher you beyond the veil
I always enjoy your author's notes. Always good to learn something . . .
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'Twould be a frightening dream indeed. Good thing you wrote about it; helps clear out any bad mojo.
Love these phrases:
Dapper crow of blackest coat
-and-
Usher you beyond the veil
I always enjoy your author's notes. Always good to learn something . . .
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
Comment from comanalbert
Terrifying dream and so well crafted poem. You have documented very well for this one, I had no idea why the crow/raven was considered the final messenger.
Yes, pleasant screams indeed!
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Terrifying dream and so well crafted poem. You have documented very well for this one, I had no idea why the crow/raven was considered the final messenger.
Yes, pleasant screams indeed!
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
Comment from GE Parson
My Friend Dean,
You need to stop eating before bedtime or change what ever you are eating. WOW! What a night scare I man mare.
I've read that people who an call in detail their dreams, are of a higher intellect than those who cannot.
ell have a nice week-end.. go out and shoot some crows
Your Friend,
Jerry
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My Friend Dean,
You need to stop eating before bedtime or change what ever you are eating. WOW! What a night scare I man mare.
I've read that people who an call in detail their dreams, are of a higher intellect than those who cannot.
ell have a nice week-end.. go out and shoot some crows
Your Friend,
Jerry
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Dean. How are you doing? I miss reading your work, believe me. I am still on hold with the agents who have expressed interest in my book, but am working on book two at this writing. when I get a few chapters ahead, I will be back on a regular basis, I hope. Make it up to you then. So what would it mean to "eat crow" then? LOL..Bob
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Hi, Dean. How are you doing? I miss reading your work, believe me. I am still on hold with the agents who have expressed interest in my book, but am working on book two at this writing. when I get a few chapters ahead, I will be back on a regular basis, I hope. Make it up to you then. So what would it mean to "eat crow" then? LOL..Bob
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
