A Book of ... Free Verse (Vol.1)
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "The Gimp's Gallop"Metre ... Freeverse
27 total reviews
Comment from Leineco
Apparently, I am a heathen.
I just can't worship at this church
of overwrought metaphorical speech.
I caught a glimpse of your intentions
but just wasn't willing
to dig for more of them.
But that's the thing about poetry
for any give poem penned,
some people get it and love it
some of just think it's torturous.
I'm not quite sure how to rate this! I can't say it needs adjustments (cuz I haven't a clue what they would be) and I can't call it excellent (cuz for this kind of poetry I'm not sure what the standard is) . . . .on the other hand, I truly believe you put sweat and effort into it. Looks like a quarter needs to be flipped.
Came up tails.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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Apparently, I am a heathen.
I just can't worship at this church
of overwrought metaphorical speech.
I caught a glimpse of your intentions
but just wasn't willing
to dig for more of them.
But that's the thing about poetry
for any give poem penned,
some people get it and love it
some of just think it's torturous.
I'm not quite sure how to rate this! I can't say it needs adjustments (cuz I haven't a clue what they would be) and I can't call it excellent (cuz for this kind of poetry I'm not sure what the standard is) . . . .on the other hand, I truly believe you put sweat and effort into it. Looks like a quarter needs to be flipped.
Came up tails.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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Well let me help you ... as a form it is freeverse perfect 5stars as the lines and delivery are all correct it has no other regulations other than does it exclaim something or does it ask a question.
Adetailed description of the poem has been given in one review maybe if your intrested you could look it up ... maybe a labour of love.
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I certainly will not argue your compliance with "free verse" (which is, essentially - no rules apply regarding rhyme, rhythm, meter, etc.) however, there is infinitely more to the concept of poetry (or even prose) than merely organizing words in grammatically correct fashion.
As to "perfect" (i.e. perfect (n) - excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement, per Random House Dictionary) free verse, I suspect even you would have to agree that within the word theoretical there is room for doubt.
Somewhere in the concept of metaphor, there is the idea of "clear and discernible". True, with the key words Gimp & Gallop, you have evoked politics, and with envoy you have implied any "accredited messenger or representative" (although by attaching society rather than constituent, you have granted them wider authority then they have). And while mincing Monday may indeed evoke moral depravity, it may also evoke merely intolerable intolerance - at least to a large segment of society's masses. Not to mention, it is too vague to actually evoke what specifically you are calling attention to - the new members of congress? the new gay marriage laws and or support? the gimpy (lame/limp/ineffective) status of our representative body ruled by a media and or financial dominatrix?
Then there is the question of over writing.
A tamed passion burns incessantly â?¨smothered in erotic evanescence -â?¨moulded by scented reverence
that seems to be pretty much an overwrought way of saying "Despite the dying embers of their blind faith, patriotism still burns" (and by the way, "burns endlessly smothered (by)â?¦" is, to my way of thinking, a blatantly self-contradictory statement and tortures both the language and the mind)
In short - do I think you had a point to address, Sure. Do I think you did it effectively, No. It is neither accessible nor clearly laid out. (and from what I saw of your reviews, I am not the only one who questions the intentions or clear interpretation of this poem)
I think I'll stick with my 4.
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No worries ... for you the four remains.
Whilst I ponder the effect of the word perfect on a freeverse poem. I myself regard two things ... does the freeverse work as freeverse or is it a mere contortion of some sort of prose divided to look like freeverse.
To me the freeverse should have a succinct approach to the language it should have line security where the line is not a contortion of a sentence but a required evolvement of the sentence and the emphasis should be noted by the division of the line.
Secondly does the FREEVERSE ask a question or does it exclaim something ... rather than some poetic journey of meandering through similie and mixed pictures of linguistic divulgence.
CORRECTION: with the first line I have evoked politics as my subject as the recession was based on political concerns and the introduction of the Gimp only introduces the figure of the politician as a real and 3 dimensional being within the poem.
It is quite clear in my understanding that the gimp is a metaphor discernable for its what shall we say less than desirable antics, sexually ... which is also a metaphor for the way we as society have been treated over the years in this country as well as many others.
OVER WRITTING: a tamed passion burns incessantly = the weak yet desire of the politician.
smothered in erotic evanescence = that desire described is further likened to a fleeting erotic emotion
moulded by scented reverence = having described the passion furthered it into its conclusion I then go on to describe the mentality of the emotion and its description = it is dressed as something that smells like authority or sanctity, more than authority, divine.
CONCLUSION: not over writing but descriptive writing ... I dont know how you write but to be descriptive is a blessing where it can be understood ... unfortunately some people dont have a clue what I write about because they do not even have the discernment to agree or disagree or even pretend to equate with some of the ideas I have written as poetry never mind its content.
Oh ... and by the way as far as fours go what would you like me to improve or is that beyond your measure of kind intervention of critique ... for every one a four I have two fives ... not that that petty S*** means anything anyways ... HAVE HAPPY THOUGHTS MY FRIEND !
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Since you asked. . .
what follows is the kind of re-write/editing I would envision. There is no doubt it represents my style more than yours, so I only offer it as an example of where/how I would tweak the poem. I admit, even with the changes I made, I'm still not convinced it is perfect. . . it just (for me) moves it toward more accessible and presentation -
A world stage ushers in recession
â?¨while mincing Monday calls the roll-â?¨
rubber stamping spandex and leather��
~.~
â?¨Dressed in ostentatious splendour
â?¨Gimp shreds heterosexual macho.â?¨
Impotent archetypes shed decorum -â?¨
embroil themselves in spanking monkeys��
~.~��
Tamed passion burns lethargicallyâ?¨
smothered by decline and fall -â?¨
moulded by the scent of reverence
��~.~��
Discarding both pomp and ceremonyâ?¨
erect and tall he hypnotizes
â?¨bounding toward the glory hole -â?¨
as Gimp just loves the dash of the gallop.
{shrug}. . . just my thoughts
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Sorry about all the •¿½?•¿½•¿½?•¿½s. . . I haven't figured out how to delete them yet
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All you have done my friend is change my vision of the gimp into your vision of the gimp ...
... you have not essentially changed the freevese but the language of the freeverse ...
This is my point about the use of succinct language with intention to get to the point without all the flambouyant garbage of ... well ... what you have added !
This is basically your idea of how my poem should read from your interpretation of my idea ... this is not how my poem is intended nor actually written as it detracts from the whole essence of the satirical and humorous ... this is re writing with another interpretation rather than the fluid thought of guise and systematic metaphorical allusion where in my interpretation the brain recognises the moment and is induced to reflect on the image of something simple and elaborates it to a degree unlike yours that keeps the essence of the characters in play and forces them to interact within the words to a straight and defining collective adherence to the plot.
Your re write unfortunately would fail to enact or affect me in the way you have written it because of the reasons I have mentioned ...
... you have taken a cartoon and tried to make a feature length poem out of it ...
... yours is pretentious ... wheras mine is child like and funny !!!!
... though that might be up for debate ... but those that get it find it funny !!!
Get It.
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And so we come to the crux of the matter - a difference in perception of effective communication.
As I clearly said, my "suggested editing" was a matter of overlaying my own style of writing (and, of course, my interpretation of what I read in your poem) over yours.
You find my style pedantically pretentious. . .I find yours boorishly crass and over-wrought to the point of causing mis-interpretation. Surely, that is one of the points of the world of artistic expression - different strokes for different folks.
I'll just chalk it up to not being in synch with your version of being satirical, and leave it at that.
If nothing else, I'll say this - as all art should, you triggered impassioned discussion :-)
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:)
Comment from rouskin
I love it all but especially this one:
Discarding both pomp and ceremony
erect and tall he bedazzles
bounding motion before the glory hole -
as Gimp loves the dash of the gallop
Enjoyable read Well done
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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I love it all but especially this one:
Discarding both pomp and ceremony
erect and tall he bedazzles
bounding motion before the glory hole -
as Gimp loves the dash of the gallop
Enjoyable read Well done
Comment Written 30-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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Glad you could enjoy it as most people dont seem to get it .. lol.
Comment from Janie King
I'm not a poet and sometimes I miss the meaning of a poem. I've really had to think about this one but I think I get it. God loves you and so do I.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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I'm not a poet and sometimes I miss the meaning of a poem. I've really had to think about this one but I think I get it. God loves you and so do I.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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Anytime ... !
Comment from JoshuaFrame
a tad bit disturbing for me but none the less a well written poem. The picture captures your poetry quite well. Mincing Monday was great alliteration.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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a tad bit disturbing for me but none the less a well written poem. The picture captures your poetry quite well. Mincing Monday was great alliteration.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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Excellent maybe read one review in particular I think cowboy too as I have given the correct interpretation of the poem in there somewhere .... lol .
Comment from Petriesan
I like these:
Dressed in outrageous splendour (are you from the UK?)
Discarding both pomp and ceremony
erect and tall he bedazzles
nice work
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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I like these:
Dressed in outrageous splendour (are you from the UK?)
Discarding both pomp and ceremony
erect and tall he bedazzles
nice work
Comment Written 30-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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I sure am ... Outer Hebrides Scotland ... Island of Lewis. much appreciate the stars.
Comment from TOMORAL
I must say I didn't really understand this but it was well written with flow and meter. The words are far beyond this poet's intelligence but I learned a lot of new words. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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I must say I didn't really understand this but it was well written with flow and meter. The words are far beyond this poet's intelligence but I learned a lot of new words. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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It is actually a perfect freeverse without meter and deserves five stars as it is without correction unless you can find some spag issues ... much appreciate glad you could enjoy.
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It may be a perfect free verse, but if cannot understand what it means...
society's envoy becomes embroiled -
in spanking monkeys
What does this mean exactly? If you have a problem with my review, please feel free to contact Tom. If he says I should change it, I will.
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societ'y envoy = the political attendant or represntative.
embroiled = being involved in something he or she should'nt
- long pause
in spanking monkeys = masturbation with other penises other than there own ...
No worries about conntacting Tom you can write what you want basically in reviews I just like to know why I only get fours instead of fives ... try sticking with reasons for the stars Thank you !
Comment from CowboyToo
Sharp images and startling perspective. Certainly the author has a command of vocabulary. If, however, this is an example of "spiritual dimension" I can't find it expressed positively. Perhaps I see it from an entirely different, untrained, view.
Frankly, I find the phrase, "glory hole" rather offensive and forced into the writing for shock value, even though it might, indeed, be a term used by a sex driven, one dimensional, addict. I can't reconcile this with the title, however.
Maybe the reference to "a world stage" experiencing reality on a plane different from underlying lusts, is an important theme.
It doesn't work for me.
Hey, they asked me to be honest.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Sharp images and startling perspective. Certainly the author has a command of vocabulary. If, however, this is an example of "spiritual dimension" I can't find it expressed positively. Perhaps I see it from an entirely different, untrained, view.
Frankly, I find the phrase, "glory hole" rather offensive and forced into the writing for shock value, even though it might, indeed, be a term used by a sex driven, one dimensional, addict. I can't reconcile this with the title, however.
Maybe the reference to "a world stage" experiencing reality on a plane different from underlying lusts, is an important theme.
It doesn't work for me.
Hey, they asked me to be honest.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Well I'll be honest whoever they are are wrong ... I shall enlighten you ... then if you agree you can raise your four stars to a five or possibly a six.
There is nothing in this poem to reflect some sort of spiritual dimension it is not even noted as being a piece of spiritual poetry but as I remember it is classed as commentry and philosophy.
Well if we take the title for its value the emphasis is on the Gimp and his gallop ... yes the gimp is a sexually pervese individual in one dimension seeking only sexual gratification in his acts of depraved fufilment. The metaphor of the gimp introduces the political spectrum as the first line connects him with the situation I am addressing. the inuendo and sexual connection is metaphorically speaking about what is happening in my country as well as yours ... we're being F***** backwards and sideways by someone or something that does not want to give up its depraved ideas until it has gratified its lust ... in this case the sexually depraved gimp and his depraved sexual undertones ... in reality it is the political establishment and power. The glory hole is a disgusting perversion but in using it the gimp attains a fuller excitement and satisfaction ... WE ... SOCIETY ... are that GLORY HOLE. Hence the gimp takes great delight in bounding before it and putting his PRICK right up there in it till he screams with erotic sensual depraved down right orgasmic sickness called LUST.
Do you get it now ... perhaps you can review your star rating as it is also a flawless piece of Freeverse poetry ... much obliged.
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Perhaps "they" are wrong in requesting an honest review. Any other type, however serves little purpose.
If you say that this is an example of "spiritual dimension," who is to question that? Your author's notes speak of this.
If you see the poem as a classic example of "flawless freeverse", well, we need not dissect it.
I can't think of any classic poetry which relies upon graphic vulgarity to speak to the soul of a reader, but I certainly haven't read everything.
I admit to being a novice, and I apologize if my review seems to be insensitive to the poem's true rationale, I am only able to offer that I'm only capable of a mere opinion.
I speak to the poem, not the author.
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Perhaps "they" are wrong in requesting an honest review. Any other type, however serves little purpose.
If you say that this is an example of "spiritual dimension," who is to question that? Your author's notes speak of this.
If you see the poem as a classic example of "flawless freeverse", well, we need not dissect it.
I can't think of any classic poetry which relies upon graphic vulgarity to speak to the soul of a reader, but I certainly haven't read everything.
I admit to being a novice, and I apologize if my review seems to be insensitive to the poem's true rationale, I am only able to offer that I'm only capable of a mere opinion.
I speak to the poem, not the author.
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Well cowboy I will give a little advice ... when you read a piece try not to look at the literal sense unless it is obvious and try to interpret the metaphor or metaphors spoken of in context with the present language and sybolisim that the piece is pursuing.
Because the poem maybe flawless in its form that of true freeverse does not mean it cannot be critiqued ... it just means that other than its form you have to look to other areas for supplementing the four stars and it would be nice if these were mentioned so we could discuss ... like rational people.
There are no boundries in poetry as to how you describe your metaphor or even the metaphor you use ... heres an example for you on how poetry can be perfect in its form and function yet be of quite vulgar content ... GOOGLE THIS:
When Celia Farts by Aliester Crowley
... it is in his collection of poetry called WHITE STAINS and covers a selection of perverse acts from pedophilia to necrophilia ... enjoy, think of it as a learning experience ... LOL.
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Thank you for the advice. I am always learning. Mostly, I was referring to your author's statement that your work was of a spiritual dimension. It is apparently a spiritual dimension with which I am not familiar. Your reference to poetry which is unrestrained in the use of graphic vulgarity, is acknowledged, but I submit that it does not rise to the level of highly regarded works in the world of classic poetry - neither modern nor historical. I am familiar with some such works, and while they are avant-garde, they have yet to establish a new realm of great poetry.
This is not negative criticism. I am certainly no recognized critic. As I said, I can only offer an opinion based on my experience. If that seems unfair or ill informed, I'm unable to alter it.
Thank you for the informative conversation.
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Anytime ... !
Comment from DonandVicki
I'm not sure where to start with this review but I guess at the beginning. I think or I hope you are stating about our present leaders. I would agree that we are being spanked by the present leadership of the country and if I am right I would spank "Slap" you on the back. Well done. Don
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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I'm not sure where to start with this review but I guess at the beginning. I think or I hope you are stating about our present leaders. I would agree that we are being spanked by the present leadership of the country and if I am right I would spank "Slap" you on the back. Well done. Don
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Much appreciated since we both live in the present modern history yes is the answer ... things are not like they used to be.
Comment from Righteous Riter
Good descriptive word use that draws a clear image in my mind. Good alliteration with mincing/Monday...bounding/before. Good complimentary photo followed by a clear message.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Good descriptive word use that draws a clear image in my mind. Good alliteration with mincing/Monday...bounding/before. Good complimentary photo followed by a clear message.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Thank you righteous one much appreciate the review ... glad you could understand and enjoy for what it is !
Comment from c_lucas
Leather and spandex are not very comfortable clothing. Overall, this is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Leather and spandex are not very comfortable clothing. Overall, this is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Thanks Charlie ... been a while.
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You're Welcome, Bicpen. Chalrie
