I want my family together
A little girl misses her Daddy.11 total reviews
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Mary,
you achieved the goal of writing this from a little girls view on life, well done. This prompt is probably over, and I must apologize for not been able to keep up with all my messages.
Do you know my nana?
With our thoughts we create,
a unified dream,
James xx
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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Hi Mary,
you achieved the goal of writing this from a little girls view on life, well done. This prompt is probably over, and I must apologize for not been able to keep up with all my messages.
Do you know my nana?
With our thoughts we create,
a unified dream,
James xx
Comment Written 31-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2014
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thanks James for the review, on this story, I do not write too many of these. I am pleased you like it. Mary
Comment from padumachitta
Hello. A well written story about divorce froma little girls perspective. I think the ending could be a little stronger.
I sort of thought it was a bit abrupt.
Good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2014
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Hello. A well written story about divorce froma little girls perspective. I think the ending could be a little stronger.
I sort of thought it was a bit abrupt.
Good luck in the contest
Comment Written 30-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2014
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Hi thanks for the review, I can see how you found the end abrupt, but it only allowed 500 words, I felt I got the main emotions in. If it was allowed longer I would have lots more to write.
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Hi. Ja, that is the problem with very short, shorts. I just liked this enough to want to read more:-)
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Mystery Writer
A bitter sweet story very prevalent today. A great realistic write from the point of view of a five year old. You seem to have covered the priorities of a little girl's mind and how it sways from one thought to the next.
I did enjoy the patter of her offer, the reader comes to know the mini-narrator, her active and imaginative mind, and a strong sense of self as she determines her hair will be as she wants it, not Mamma.I
It does makes sense that with a happy up-coming wedding and she is happy with her future half-sister, that she would think of the whole family .... which to her is her mum and real dad. The distance is a pity (though sometimes a God send) and I imagine she would be excited at the thought of a new baby brother she would like to know. All different today, once way back, when your father was your father and your brother or sister was actually your brother or sister and distance was maybe only a problem with Grandma visiting - life seemed less complicated.
Your story is well done and sets me to pondering on the way we handle the multi-family family of today. Some can have contact with exes and their new families ... others it is best not.
Good luck in the contest. Well done. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxox
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2014
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Hi Mystery Writer
A bitter sweet story very prevalent today. A great realistic write from the point of view of a five year old. You seem to have covered the priorities of a little girl's mind and how it sways from one thought to the next.
I did enjoy the patter of her offer, the reader comes to know the mini-narrator, her active and imaginative mind, and a strong sense of self as she determines her hair will be as she wants it, not Mamma.I
It does makes sense that with a happy up-coming wedding and she is happy with her future half-sister, that she would think of the whole family .... which to her is her mum and real dad. The distance is a pity (though sometimes a God send) and I imagine she would be excited at the thought of a new baby brother she would like to know. All different today, once way back, when your father was your father and your brother or sister was actually your brother or sister and distance was maybe only a problem with Grandma visiting - life seemed less complicated.
Your story is well done and sets me to pondering on the way we handle the multi-family family of today. Some can have contact with exes and their new families ... others it is best not.
Good luck in the contest. Well done. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxox
Comment Written 30-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2014
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Thank you Lovina for the lovely review. You are of course right in everything you say, I know couples stayed together in the past, yet they put their families through hell, in some cases separation is better, no matter what the situation is the children do suffer.
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I mulled so long and hard over my vote. Some stiff competition in this contest. I though yours one of the top contenders. Well done. Lovi xoxoox
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This sounds like a child speaking, both in wording and in content. Sadly it's reality for a lot of kids today, since he divorce rate has passed 50% and new couples have kids without even getting married. The family unit is dying, and that will lead to our nation dying. The end is coming, but we had a good, long run. Glad I spent all but the last five years of my life in a wonderful homeland.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2014
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This sounds like a child speaking, both in wording and in content. Sadly it's reality for a lot of kids today, since he divorce rate has passed 50% and new couples have kids without even getting married. The family unit is dying, and that will lead to our nation dying. The end is coming, but we had a good, long run. Glad I spent all but the last five years of my life in a wonderful homeland.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2014
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Thanks for your review, and for you comments that are so true, I appreciate it.
Comment from evrenios
I especially like the language of the child. It is charming - especially in the sentence when she is trying to say delicatessen. Loved that!
If you are trying to write in the style of the child - with run-on sentences like they usually write, then you would want to maintain that point of view all the way through. If not, then there is some editing you may want to look at for run-on sentences and punctuation.
I don't cry any more now I am five years old (add a that here:any more now (that) I am five years old
She talks to me on the telephone, and sings lovely songs for me, sometimes they are funny(run-on sentence - needs periods, not commas)
My Mammy has to work (Do you want to use Mammy here? You say Mommy everywhere else.)
I like her a lot she is six. (run-on sentence - needs a period or a comma)
This is a charming picture told through her gorgeous long hair.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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I especially like the language of the child. It is charming - especially in the sentence when she is trying to say delicatessen. Loved that!
If you are trying to write in the style of the child - with run-on sentences like they usually write, then you would want to maintain that point of view all the way through. If not, then there is some editing you may want to look at for run-on sentences and punctuation.
I don't cry any more now I am five years old (add a that here:any more now (that) I am five years old
She talks to me on the telephone, and sings lovely songs for me, sometimes they are funny(run-on sentence - needs periods, not commas)
My Mammy has to work (Do you want to use Mammy here? You say Mommy everywhere else.)
I like her a lot she is six. (run-on sentence - needs a period or a comma)
This is a charming picture told through her gorgeous long hair.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Thanks for the detailed review, I appreciate the time you have spent with this entry. I have rectified it.
Comment from mfowler
Your voice of the child is strong in this piece. It is written in very subjective and simple language so that the focus is childlike. He obsession with hair and the wedding is interspersed with central issue sin her mind; Daddy's new wife and baby, her new friend and of course the wedding. Good entry.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Your voice of the child is strong in this piece. It is written in very subjective and simple language so that the focus is childlike. He obsession with hair and the wedding is interspersed with central issue sin her mind; Daddy's new wife and baby, her new friend and of course the wedding. Good entry.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Thanks for the great review.
Comment from Delores J. Howard
This sounded exactly like the ramblings of a little girl. They have the attention span of a gnat, and they talk on and on and on..... I know, I have two little grand-daughters. This is today's world, I know. But, I just hate "our kids" "your kids" "my kids" and all the fractured families that represents all the fractured families that are so prevalent today. It's even felt by the hearts of children... "Please God can I have all my family together for one day..." Well written story.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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This sounded exactly like the ramblings of a little girl. They have the attention span of a gnat, and they talk on and on and on..... I know, I have two little grand-daughters. This is today's world, I know. But, I just hate "our kids" "your kids" "my kids" and all the fractured families that represents all the fractured families that are so prevalent today. It's even felt by the hearts of children... "Please God can I have all my family together for one day..." Well written story.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Thanks for the detailed review and comments, I appreciate it.
Comment from Michaelk
Well done! Great story. You should work for an adoption service. It only took a few lines for you to make this little girl memorable and adorable. You drew me in emotionally, and made me feel her joy and sadness. Great descriptions, especially from a child's view. Great story, I hope you do well in the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Well done! Great story. You should work for an adoption service. It only took a few lines for you to make this little girl memorable and adorable. You drew me in emotionally, and made me feel her joy and sadness. Great descriptions, especially from a child's view. Great story, I hope you do well in the contest.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much for the wonderful review and great comments. i do appreciate it.
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That's fantastic that you took the time to change things. It tells me that you truly care about your story. I'm glad I could help out. You did miss one 'John' though. When he is sitting watching tv. Good story, looking forward to the rest if it.
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Michaelk I do not think this reply is for me?
Mary
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I'm terribly sorry. You're right, I got my stories mixed up. My apologies.
Comment from jmdg1954
I can feel the sincerity of the story as if it really were told through the eyes of a child. There is truth and honesty in the little girl wanting to see her daddy, and have her family back together.
Nicely done. John
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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I can feel the sincerity of the story as if it really were told through the eyes of a child. There is truth and honesty in the little girl wanting to see her daddy, and have her family back together.
Nicely done. John
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Thank you for the wonderful review, I appreciate it.
Comment from Angels27
A very poignantly beautiful story. A situation which millions of kids would have faced. The innocence of the kid shines through. I find myself wishing everything goes right in the little one's life. All the best.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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A very poignantly beautiful story. A situation which millions of kids would have faced. The innocence of the kid shines through. I find myself wishing everything goes right in the little one's life. All the best.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2014
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Thank you for the great comments. I do appreciate it.