Dad-(60 word dash)
A father and his children after a marriage break down6 total reviews
Comment from BeasPeas
This scenario happens all to frequently, I think. The title of your piece could be named, "Marriage Breakdown" as in your explanation sentence. You did a good job capturing and completing this short story.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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This scenario happens all to frequently, I think. The title of your piece could be named, "Marriage Breakdown" as in your explanation sentence. You did a good job capturing and completing this short story.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Thank you
Comment from Evelyn Fort Stewart
This is a very sad piece for me as so many children experience this all the time. I'm so gratefully it never worked out that my parents had to put us through that. Good luck in the prompt. God loves you and we do too.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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This is a very sad piece for me as so many children experience this all the time. I'm so gratefully it never worked out that my parents had to put us through that. Good luck in the prompt. God loves you and we do too.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Thank you
Comment from persevere
You have expressed everything in this short story; anxiety by mother, father loosing track of time and kids' matter-of- fact goodbye. I think this is a good contest entry.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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You have expressed everything in this short story; anxiety by mother, father loosing track of time and kids' matter-of- fact goodbye. I think this is a good contest entry.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Thank you
Comment from Jackarrie
a very realistic story, but sad too. a common complaint about the later returns.
Well done and good luck in the contest Mary
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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a very realistic story, but sad too. a common complaint about the later returns.
Well done and good luck in the contest Mary
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Thank you
Comment from lancellot
What you have written is full of the tension that such a relationship can bring. Very nicely done with on 60 words to work with.
The problem here is that when writing in all dialogue one has to make sure the structures are properly separated to prevent confusion,(no two speakers on the same line) especially when no speech tags are used.
Note: (I add a name for the dad.)
"You've finally arrived. I was worried sick. The children were to be brought back by 3pm not 4.30pm. Why didn't you answer your phone?"
"Don't panic, Sheila. I usually bring the boys back on time, but they were having so much fun building sandcastles."
"Go shower boys, dinner will be ready soon."
"Bye dad."
"Greg, next visit on time, please."
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2014
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What you have written is full of the tension that such a relationship can bring. Very nicely done with on 60 words to work with.
The problem here is that when writing in all dialogue one has to make sure the structures are properly separated to prevent confusion,(no two speakers on the same line) especially when no speech tags are used.
Note: (I add a name for the dad.)
"You've finally arrived. I was worried sick. The children were to be brought back by 3pm not 4.30pm. Why didn't you answer your phone?"
"Don't panic, Sheila. I usually bring the boys back on time, but they were having so much fun building sandcastles."
"Go shower boys, dinner will be ready soon."
"Bye dad."
"Greg, next visit on time, please."
Comment Written 03-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2014
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Thank you for the good advice. I will change the lines if I can.
Comment from Nosha17
You have written a good short story, effective in its own right. You have made good choice of language and I find your message within the story quite powerful in relation to visitation. Well-written. Faye
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2014
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You have written a good short story, effective in its own right. You have made good choice of language and I find your message within the story quite powerful in relation to visitation. Well-written. Faye
Comment Written 03-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2014
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Thank you