Comment from Nichola

Excellent

I feel the loneliness just reading this sorrowful little poem. It is effective with the repetition of the line: alone in darkness. So sad.

Dark shadows
Lead
To loneliness
And tears
Erupt
In sorrows - has a good flow

Nichola

 Comment Written 15-Dec-2013

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reply by the author on 16-Dec-2013

Thanks for the critique.

Comment from michaelcahill

Excellent

the message here is strong. I think it would improve your piece though if you didn't repeat the word darkness but found similar words that mean the same thing. same with shadows. and you don't need both 'agains'

Tonight's the night
Without my love
When shadows lead to darkness
And I am alone
With my thoughts
So alone
In blackness

Where or when
Did life begin
Alone I am
In the void

Dark figures
Lead
To loneliness
And tears
Erupt
In sorrows
And I am
Alone again
Lonely with my tomorrows

these are just suggestions. not trying to rewrite. I just wanted to show you how it might look if you changed a couple words. very minor changes. you could probably come up with something better. it took a long time for me to start editing my work. but, once I got into the habit it helped improve my pieces quite a bit. Anyway, I liked this piece a lot and I thought it was well written. hope to see more from you. well done, mikey

 Comment Written 15-Dec-2013

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reply by the author on 16-Dec-2013

Hi: Thanks for the critique. I purposely used the word darkness as it comes in cycles again and again.

Thanks

Norm

reply by michaelcahill on 16-Dec-2013

Ah, I see. Great, glad you didn't take my meddling the wrong way. hahaha. Great piece. Take care, mikey

reply by the author on 16-Dec-2013

I reread the poem and I like the word "void". Thanks for your help.

Norm

Comment from afhughes

Excellent

I can relate. I like your poem. SPEAKS LOUD AND CLEAR. You have made good choice of words and it was well-written. Great picture to go along with the poem.

 Comment Written 15-Dec-2013

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reply by the author on 16-Dec-2013

Thanks for the critique.

Comment from rouskin

Excellent

I loved it all, but especially this part:

Tonight's the night
Without my love
When shadows lead to darkness
And I am alone
With my thoughts
So alone
In darkness

Your picture complements the words very well
Thank you for sharing and have a great week

 Comment Written 15-Dec-2013

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reply by the author on 16-Dec-2013

Thanks for the critique.

Comment from zanya

Excellent

A lament filled with a sense of great loss for a love that is no more with an overwhelming sense of having lost one's way, at least temporarily

 Comment Written 15-Dec-2013

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reply by the author on 16-Dec-2013

Thanks for the critique.