September in the Midwest
Quatrains 8/8/8/8, aabb rhyme23 total reviews
Comment from Ben Colder
Excellent poem about the Fall of the year. Yes, I'm ready but would love some rain. You did good with this nice poem. It moved very well.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
  |
Excellent poem about the Fall of the year. Yes, I'm ready but would love some rain. You did good with this nice poem. It moved very well.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
-
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it~Debbie
Comment from honeytree
Loved the art work and words.
Our seasons of weather all have their good and bad points.
I loved the snow in England when we were living there.
We have very hot weather over here in Australia in Summer
We can have cold winters, not much snow around.
Loved this writing.
Honey tree
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
|
Loved the art work and words.
Our seasons of weather all have their good and bad points.
I loved the snow in England when we were living there.
We have very hot weather over here in Australia in Summer
We can have cold winters, not much snow around.
Loved this writing.
Honey tree
Comment Written 14-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
-
Thank you so very much. Glad you enjoyed~Debbie
-
I enjoyed what you wrote Debbie.
Annie
Comment from JM daSilva
What a clear description of the mood of the season and the preparation for a new season! This poem is brilliant. I loved it.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
 |
What a clear description of the mood of the season and the preparation for a new season! This poem is brilliant. I loved it.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
-
Thank you so very much. I appreciate your kind review and the stars~Debbie
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You are making me so jealous of where you live. I still have temps well into the 90's and breaking 100. No beautiful fall here. How would you like company? LOL
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
|
You are making me so jealous of where you live. I still have temps well into the 90's and breaking 100. No beautiful fall here. How would you like company? LOL
Comment Written 14-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
-
It was 101 last week, this week it is pretty chilly. One extreme to the next, LOL. Thank you~Debbie
Comment from me_tudor
This is a wonderful poem about fall, Debbie. I love the visualization you great when telling of them things that are all about September. Great job!
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
|
This is a wonderful poem about fall, Debbie. I love the visualization you great when telling of them things that are all about September. Great job!
Comment Written 14-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
-
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed this~Debbie
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this is well written my friend you bring September to life and the beginning of autumn as we say farewell to summer well done I enjoyed regards Jill
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
|
Yes this is well written my friend you bring September to life and the beginning of autumn as we say farewell to summer well done I enjoyed regards Jill
Comment Written 14-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2013
-
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed this~Debbie
Comment from mermaids
I think you covered everything about the Autumn season,nature and humans have things to do. Excellent rhyming of words and flow of lines. This is a poem to be published.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2013
|
I think you covered everything about the Autumn season,nature and humans have things to do. Excellent rhyming of words and flow of lines. This is a poem to be published.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2013
-
Thank you. I did submit it after reading your review, so itt might be~Debbie
Comment from shortwerks
That is gorgeous artwork and very appropriate for your lovely poem.
I admire your easy grace within the form.
My comments are meant to help. I hope they do.
"Carrying book-laden backpacks" keeps your syllable count at 8, but due to the stresses in carrying and book-laden, it doesn't flow the same as most of the poem. Since it is the first stanza, I would suggest you work with this. My only suggestion would be "They carry new books on their backs" but I realize you can probably do better than that. "Having given up" might work better as "Having traded their".
Your second stanza isn't as smooth as the rest of the poem in terms of the natural feel of the rhythm. I'm sure you can work that out.
I would suggest for stanza 5, making it "T-shirts traded for longer sleeves" just for sustained syllable count and consistent stresses within the line.
"Apples picked and made into cider" also is a little off, rhythmically speaking. How would it work if it were "Apples picked become sweet cider" or something like that?
For the same reason, maybe the next line could work as "Boys and girls need a reminder" or "Boys and girls will need reminders". It seems that "their new fall coat" should use the plural, coats, so that the pronoun and the noun are in agreement. I think the "leaves float" could also change to "leaf floats", but doesn't have to as coats and float rhyme just as well.
"South large flocks of geese will migrate" is a bit awkward. South first hits the ear and eye as an adjective for the geese.
In the final stanza's first line, you could do without "are" and keep it to 8 syllables, if you like. If you prefer the line as a complete sentence, you could say "Summer's remnants are put away" and still have the 8 syllables.
Also, maybe line 3 of final stanza would work as "Knowing winter will soon be here". Knowing echoes the sound in "enjoy" and it seems more logical as we do all know winter follows fall. At least, it still does so far!
Overall, I think your poem quite lovely and am sure people who read it will be transported into the crisp, cold and festive time of year we all enjoy so much. Thank you for taking me there. I really hope you will find something useful in the comments. Peace.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2013
 |
That is gorgeous artwork and very appropriate for your lovely poem.
I admire your easy grace within the form.
My comments are meant to help. I hope they do.
"Carrying book-laden backpacks" keeps your syllable count at 8, but due to the stresses in carrying and book-laden, it doesn't flow the same as most of the poem. Since it is the first stanza, I would suggest you work with this. My only suggestion would be "They carry new books on their backs" but I realize you can probably do better than that. "Having given up" might work better as "Having traded their".
Your second stanza isn't as smooth as the rest of the poem in terms of the natural feel of the rhythm. I'm sure you can work that out.
I would suggest for stanza 5, making it "T-shirts traded for longer sleeves" just for sustained syllable count and consistent stresses within the line.
"Apples picked and made into cider" also is a little off, rhythmically speaking. How would it work if it were "Apples picked become sweet cider" or something like that?
For the same reason, maybe the next line could work as "Boys and girls need a reminder" or "Boys and girls will need reminders". It seems that "their new fall coat" should use the plural, coats, so that the pronoun and the noun are in agreement. I think the "leaves float" could also change to "leaf floats", but doesn't have to as coats and float rhyme just as well.
"South large flocks of geese will migrate" is a bit awkward. South first hits the ear and eye as an adjective for the geese.
In the final stanza's first line, you could do without "are" and keep it to 8 syllables, if you like. If you prefer the line as a complete sentence, you could say "Summer's remnants are put away" and still have the 8 syllables.
Also, maybe line 3 of final stanza would work as "Knowing winter will soon be here". Knowing echoes the sound in "enjoy" and it seems more logical as we do all know winter follows fall. At least, it still does so far!
Overall, I think your poem quite lovely and am sure people who read it will be transported into the crisp, cold and festive time of year we all enjoy so much. Thank you for taking me there. I really hope you will find something useful in the comments. Peace.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2013
-
Thank you~Debbie
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Lovely autumn poem, ending with Christmas, which is really all we have to look forward to from November thru March. I'm not a fan of Thanksgiving since I have to COOK SO MUCH!
Days are showing a bit less light
Earlier comes the dark of night
THIS is what I do NOT like about fall. Sigh...
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2013
|
Lovely autumn poem, ending with Christmas, which is really all we have to look forward to from November thru March. I'm not a fan of Thanksgiving since I have to COOK SO MUCH!
Days are showing a bit less light
Earlier comes the dark of night
THIS is what I do NOT like about fall. Sigh...
Comment Written 13-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2013
-
I know it. My depression always gets worse as the days get shorter. November is usually a bad month when the time changes and it gets dark here before 5pm.I try not to make it a self-fulling prophesy, but it seems to happen every year. Once Thanksgiving comes and I decorate for Christmas, it gets better. Take care, my friend~Debbie
Comment from tedanytime
Your poem has covered the ending of Summer well.
Going to a nearby orchard today brought memories of hayrides and drinking cider, picking apples and shucking corn by hand, throwing the ear into the waiting wagon.
Leaves falling, cool night coming.
Too soon to think of snow!
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2013
|
Your poem has covered the ending of Summer well.
Going to a nearby orchard today brought memories of hayrides and drinking cider, picking apples and shucking corn by hand, throwing the ear into the waiting wagon.
Leaves falling, cool night coming.
Too soon to think of snow!
Comment Written 13-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2013
-
Thank you so very much, my friend. A trip to the orchard sounds wonderful~Debbie