The Ripple Effect
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Pick Up"A couple's tour about England takes many turns....
9 total reviews
Comment from RobertM
Hmm. When I opened this to read it, I thought I was about to be amused (as I was by the author's bio), but instead I was met with some more or less normal prose which, by the end, had turned almost dark.
Nicely written, though. I felt as though I understood Mccail from the beginning (though I never quite understood Ann). I always have trouble with so much dialogue, however (and hence my own work suffers from a lack of it), personally preferring more descriptive text.
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Hmm. When I opened this to read it, I thought I was about to be amused (as I was by the author's bio), but instead I was met with some more or less normal prose which, by the end, had turned almost dark.
Nicely written, though. I felt as though I understood Mccail from the beginning (though I never quite understood Ann). I always have trouble with so much dialogue, however (and hence my own work suffers from a lack of it), personally preferring more descriptive text.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2005
Comment from rob_the_magnificent
Hi, this was a good story/chapter, and I liked both your descriptions and characters. This was the first I read and although it may have been obvious from reading the last chapter, when you introduce this chapter, you first refer to Mccail as "His" and "he" without naming him.
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Hi, this was a good story/chapter, and I liked both your descriptions and characters. This was the first I read and although it may have been obvious from reading the last chapter, when you introduce this chapter, you first refer to Mccail as "His" and "he" without naming him.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2005
Comment from Kym Jade
Please Mr Hager Sir, can humble we do a review for you Sir. This was a lot of fun and tied in perfectly with the previous chapters. You have created a fascinating story that is compelling reading. It always leaves us wondering and wanting more.
"What are you taking(talking) about? We're just here on vacation."
and in three days' time you will(be) mine. Now awake, Mccail, and begin your quest."
Best wishes and dreams
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Please Mr Hager Sir, can humble we do a review for you Sir. This was a lot of fun and tied in perfectly with the previous chapters. You have created a fascinating story that is compelling reading. It always leaves us wondering and wanting more.
"What are you taking(talking) about? We're just here on vacation."
and in three days' time you will(be) mine. Now awake, Mccail, and begin your quest."
Best wishes and dreams
Comment Written 26-Jun-2005
Comment from AlissaMarie
It seems you have
a good thing going.
I enjoyed the previous
chapters more than this one.
I would like to help you,
but I am not sure how.
Your thoughts seem jumbled,
and confusing.
However it was a good read.
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It seems you have
a good thing going.
I enjoyed the previous
chapters more than this one.
I would like to help you,
but I am not sure how.
Your thoughts seem jumbled,
and confusing.
However it was a good read.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2005
Comment from Mastery
Hello there. This is my first encounter with your work and I must say I am impressed. Not only with the clever way you turn a line and tell a story, either. Your characters are real. The only thing I would like to point out is your evident penchant for using the adverb...the big ugly "ly" words...examples in this piece: reservedly, gently, tightly, quietly, generously, squarely, quickly. These are a few. In Stephen King's book titled "On Writing" he clearly takes all adverb users to task. He claims it is lazy writing. Now don't get mad at me. Just hear me out. He says, and I have for one found it to be true, that replacing such words with the king which is verbs, smilies and metaphors, your writing takes on a whole new dimension. When you have to do these things it makes you reach farther for imagery which is so very important in writing as you know. Check this theory out for yourself...let me know what you think.. am going to put you on my fan list so I can read more of your work..I enjoy it immensely..You are a good writer but would be so much better if you get rid of the ugly "lys" LOL Mastery/Bob
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Hello there. This is my first encounter with your work and I must say I am impressed. Not only with the clever way you turn a line and tell a story, either. Your characters are real. The only thing I would like to point out is your evident penchant for using the adverb...the big ugly "ly" words...examples in this piece: reservedly, gently, tightly, quietly, generously, squarely, quickly. These are a few. In Stephen King's book titled "On Writing" he clearly takes all adverb users to task. He claims it is lazy writing. Now don't get mad at me. Just hear me out. He says, and I have for one found it to be true, that replacing such words with the king which is verbs, smilies and metaphors, your writing takes on a whole new dimension. When you have to do these things it makes you reach farther for imagery which is so very important in writing as you know. Check this theory out for yourself...let me know what you think.. am going to put you on my fan list so I can read more of your work..I enjoy it immensely..You are a good writer but would be so much better if you get rid of the ugly "lys" LOL Mastery/Bob
Comment Written 25-Jun-2005
Comment from Mzhurst
Very good chapter. Your characters were very believable. The story flowed smoothly.
No apparent spag that I saw.
Good job
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Very good chapter. Your characters were very believable. The story flowed smoothly.
No apparent spag that I saw.
Good job
Comment Written 25-Jun-2005
Comment from LeeCan
Very good writing. I enjoyed the story, thought is had good pacing. The characters were believable and I saw no errors or clumsy sentences.
Nice.
dlanthis
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Very good writing. I enjoyed the story, thought is had good pacing. The characters were believable and I saw no errors or clumsy sentences.
Nice.
dlanthis
Comment Written 25-Jun-2005
Comment from elizabethpryde
A very unusual story of a vacation trip. I was not keen on all the descriptions of dancing and music in the airport park area.Seems a great inconvenience to the flow of people coming and going. The taxi driver was just overweird with all his ex wives, a bit mysterious I would say. If it were me I would get another taxi . Felt it lacked that special interest for the reader. elizabethpryde
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A very unusual story of a vacation trip. I was not keen on all the descriptions of dancing and music in the airport park area.Seems a great inconvenience to the flow of people coming and going. The taxi driver was just overweird with all his ex wives, a bit mysterious I would say. If it were me I would get another taxi . Felt it lacked that special interest for the reader. elizabethpryde
Comment Written 25-Jun-2005
Comment from FreyaKC
This is a fascinating tale.
Your descriptions are very good. They are detailed and expressive.
I like the characters and the conflict expressed.
One thing I noticed. I believe thoughts should have single quotation marks around them.
Ann pulls her hair back from her lips; her contentment continues while Mccail eyes the wind reservedly then wonders, (single quotation mark)What just happened to me?(single quotation mark)
I look forward to reading more of your works.
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This is a fascinating tale.
Your descriptions are very good. They are detailed and expressive.
I like the characters and the conflict expressed.
One thing I noticed. I believe thoughts should have single quotation marks around them.
Ann pulls her hair back from her lips; her contentment continues while Mccail eyes the wind reservedly then wonders, (single quotation mark)What just happened to me?(single quotation mark)
I look forward to reading more of your works.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2005