Spiritual Oasis
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "I look to Him for guidance"a collection of spiritual poems
26 total reviews
Comment from Joan E.
You entered the perfect contest to showcase your sonnet-writing talents. I enjoyed your rhymes and rhythm. You established just the right tone for this spiritual work of art. I especially liked your final couplet to conclude your prayer. Best wishes in the competition- Joan
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2013
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You entered the perfect contest to showcase your sonnet-writing talents. I enjoyed your rhymes and rhythm. You established just the right tone for this spiritual work of art. I especially liked your final couplet to conclude your prayer. Best wishes in the competition- Joan
Comment Written 27-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2013
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Thank you, Joan, for your great review and praise. I find spiritual poetry very soothing; and sonnet is my favorite form.
There is really so much we have to grateful for! God was generous.
Comment from expressions9
This is a beautiful spiritual sonnet, yeltel. I love the imagery presented in this lovely prayer .. the sparkling sun, opal valleys .. the swans in midnight lake and coral sand. Heartfelt appreciation of God is truly expressed in these words and the picture is very fitting.
Best wishes in the contest!
God bless,
Christine
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2013
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This is a beautiful spiritual sonnet, yeltel. I love the imagery presented in this lovely prayer .. the sparkling sun, opal valleys .. the swans in midnight lake and coral sand. Heartfelt appreciation of God is truly expressed in these words and the picture is very fitting.
Best wishes in the contest!
God bless,
Christine
Comment Written 26-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2013
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Thank you, Christine, for such an exceptional review and your six stars. I am very honored and blessed.
Spiritual poetry just soothes my soul.
Love, Yelena
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You're very welcome Yelena :)
Blessings and love,
Christine
Comment from Domino 2
Hi, Yelena
3rd line appears as only 9 syllables to me ('saviour' is TWO?), and therefore the meter is lost.
I'm not much of one for spiritual poetry which can appear samey, but yours is much better than that.
Excellent rhymes and meter generally.
Good luck with the challenge.
Ted
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2013
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Hi, Yelena
3rd line appears as only 9 syllables to me ('saviour' is TWO?), and therefore the meter is lost.
I'm not much of one for spiritual poetry which can appear samey, but yours is much better than that.
Excellent rhymes and meter generally.
Good luck with the challenge.
Ted
Comment Written 26-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2013
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Thank you, Teddy, I always thought "savior" was 3 syllables - fixed that line, take a look.
Thank you for the lovely review. Perhaps this particular challenge was not for you - but I promise another one, teddy bear! (lol).
Love, Y.
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That's better, Yelena. I see rd agreed with me.
Ted
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Much better! One suggestion:
I need You like the air my lungs partake,(-- or ;)
Your presence follows through my earthy trail.
First review (FOUR stars)
HI dear Yelena,
This is a lovely and inspired sonnet--rich in devotional fervor and fine phrasing too. The rhyming is superb and the meter--almost flawless (see notes below). It has great potential but still needs fine tuning, IMHO.
Reviewing notes
I look to God for guidance and advice
and when in doubt, I pray that He comes through
Lovely opening tone of spiritual fervor- with nice alliteration on G in line one.
*
Oh Savior, how peaceful and how nice
Savior is two syllables, so the meter and scansion is off on this line
*
is your resplendent sky or gray and blue.
I think OR was meant to be OF?
*
You gave me world of love and sparkling sun,
YOU GAVE ME WORLD sounds forced to my ear. It would sound more natural as YOU GAVE A WORLD. Anyway, this phrasing is less polished than the rest of the poem, so I recommend revising--though the alliteration is, of course, very nice!
Nice descriptive liness:
the opal valleys and the flowers bright
I thank you for the blessings and the fun
of being part of your design and light.
This stanza is very good and finely descriptive, continuing the inspired tone, but I do not detect it to have a volta in it--a shift in tone as is typical of sonnets
I need You like the air my lungs partake
Your presence follows through my earthy trail
I thank you for the swans in midnight lake,
the coral sand and salty ocean gales.
Pitch perfect closing couplet with very fresh and inventive rhyming:
Oh Lord, do guide me through my life's crusade
To you I sing my grateful serenade.
The other aspect I think could use fine tuning is the punctuation choices. As there is punctuation in all stanzas, it seems odd that some lines are left without end-line punctuation where it would be accurate to include. I do think this poem might work fine without end line punctuation, but if punctuation is used I think it is optimal to keep it consistent. Suggestions:
I look to God for guidance and advice
and when in doubt, I pray that He comes through(. or ; or --)
Oh Savior, how peaceful and how nice
is your resplendent sky or gray and blue.
You gave me world of love and sparkling sun,
the opal valleys and the flowers bright(. or ; or --)
I thank you for the blessings and the fun
of being part of your design and light.
I need You like the air my lungs partake(. or ; or --)
Your presence follows through my earthy trail(. or ; or --)
I thank you for the swans in midnight lake,
the coral sand and salty ocean gales.
Oh Lord, do guide me through my life's crusade(. or ; or --)
To you I sing my grateful serenade.
In all cases, there are options of which punctuation to use--for a full stop or a long pause.
Hope this proves helpful, dear.
Hugs and Love,
rd
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2013
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Second review
Much better! One suggestion:
I need You like the air my lungs partake,(-- or ;)
Your presence follows through my earthy trail.
First review (FOUR stars)
HI dear Yelena,
This is a lovely and inspired sonnet--rich in devotional fervor and fine phrasing too. The rhyming is superb and the meter--almost flawless (see notes below). It has great potential but still needs fine tuning, IMHO.
Reviewing notes
I look to God for guidance and advice
and when in doubt, I pray that He comes through
Lovely opening tone of spiritual fervor- with nice alliteration on G in line one.
*
Oh Savior, how peaceful and how nice
Savior is two syllables, so the meter and scansion is off on this line
*
is your resplendent sky or gray and blue.
I think OR was meant to be OF?
*
You gave me world of love and sparkling sun,
YOU GAVE ME WORLD sounds forced to my ear. It would sound more natural as YOU GAVE A WORLD. Anyway, this phrasing is less polished than the rest of the poem, so I recommend revising--though the alliteration is, of course, very nice!
Nice descriptive liness:
the opal valleys and the flowers bright
I thank you for the blessings and the fun
of being part of your design and light.
This stanza is very good and finely descriptive, continuing the inspired tone, but I do not detect it to have a volta in it--a shift in tone as is typical of sonnets
I need You like the air my lungs partake
Your presence follows through my earthy trail
I thank you for the swans in midnight lake,
the coral sand and salty ocean gales.
Pitch perfect closing couplet with very fresh and inventive rhyming:
Oh Lord, do guide me through my life's crusade
To you I sing my grateful serenade.
The other aspect I think could use fine tuning is the punctuation choices. As there is punctuation in all stanzas, it seems odd that some lines are left without end-line punctuation where it would be accurate to include. I do think this poem might work fine without end line punctuation, but if punctuation is used I think it is optimal to keep it consistent. Suggestions:
I look to God for guidance and advice
and when in doubt, I pray that He comes through(. or ; or --)
Oh Savior, how peaceful and how nice
is your resplendent sky or gray and blue.
You gave me world of love and sparkling sun,
the opal valleys and the flowers bright(. or ; or --)
I thank you for the blessings and the fun
of being part of your design and light.
I need You like the air my lungs partake(. or ; or --)
Your presence follows through my earthy trail(. or ; or --)
I thank you for the swans in midnight lake,
the coral sand and salty ocean gales.
Oh Lord, do guide me through my life's crusade(. or ; or --)
To you I sing my grateful serenade.
In all cases, there are options of which punctuation to use--for a full stop or a long pause.
Hope this proves helpful, dear.
Hugs and Love,
rd
Comment Written 26-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2013
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Rama, my dear friend, thank you this most thorough of all reviews - I made all the edits, please take another look and perhaps revise the rating.
Much love, Yelena
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Happy to oblige, of course, dear Y!
Abundant Love, rd
Comment from SteveY
Nicely done with this one. A great tribute to your relationship with the Lord. Nice job with this entry and I think it should do very well.
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reply by the author on 26-Aug-2013
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Nicely done with this one. A great tribute to your relationship with the Lord. Nice job with this entry and I think it should do very well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the great review. I made quite a few changes since your review if you maybe care to revisit.
Comment from l.raven
H Yeltel, I think we all need God guidance to help us keep in faith. Know he is always there for us. A beautiful poem and a beautiful picture...xxoo luff Linda xxoo
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2013
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H Yeltel, I think we all need God guidance to help us keep in faith. Know he is always there for us. A beautiful poem and a beautiful picture...xxoo luff Linda xxoo
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the great review.
