Voyage to confusion
Elizabeth loses control22 total reviews
Comment from michaelcahill
must admit I was not quite alert when I began this little story about the pretty lady going to the mission in Brazil. however, I must say that I did wake up a little ways into the story. Ha! this is really excellent writing, it flows perfectly and follows a good story line. it is quite steamy yes but it doesn't become only that which gets boring after awhile. a great read. interesting characters that I wish to know more about. bueno. mike
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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must admit I was not quite alert when I began this little story about the pretty lady going to the mission in Brazil. however, I must say that I did wake up a little ways into the story. Ha! this is really excellent writing, it flows perfectly and follows a good story line. it is quite steamy yes but it doesn't become only that which gets boring after awhile. a great read. interesting characters that I wish to know more about. bueno. mike
Comment Written 29-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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Thank you for that enspiring review.
Comment from reconciled
My goodness talk about riding the wild pony...this dude is must be something huh...? Hello...wonderful story of ahh satisfaction found on horse back....alright wear a helmet....love Michael
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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My goodness talk about riding the wild pony...this dude is must be something huh...? Hello...wonderful story of ahh satisfaction found on horse back....alright wear a helmet....love Michael
Comment Written 28-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from JeffreyStone
Where do I start? I am an old sailor, and nothing shocks ne, but this story seems to have no purpose, except pronography for sake of pornography. For the most part the action is passive. The ending leves me scraccthing my head.
The third paragraph (which I assume is intended to give the reader insight into the character) rambles with disjointed thoughts.
The fear, and trepidation, mixed with anticipation and excitement, was enough to make one do crazy things. As Elizabeth soon found out. (Paragraph break here)
She had no more time to pack as Elizabeth's mother and father were having a going away formal for her downstairs, and she was the guest of honor. She summoned her handmaid Sarah to come and help her into her bodice. (Suggested rewrite: Elizabeth had no more time for packing. Her mother and father waited downstairs where a grand formal going-away dinner was planned for Elizabeth. She summoned her handmaid, Sarah, to held her into her bodice.)
I want to be helpful and provide psoitive suggestions, but there are too many places that need rewriting.
Best of luck with your furuture efforts.
JeffreyStone
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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Where do I start? I am an old sailor, and nothing shocks ne, but this story seems to have no purpose, except pronography for sake of pornography. For the most part the action is passive. The ending leves me scraccthing my head.
The third paragraph (which I assume is intended to give the reader insight into the character) rambles with disjointed thoughts.
The fear, and trepidation, mixed with anticipation and excitement, was enough to make one do crazy things. As Elizabeth soon found out. (Paragraph break here)
She had no more time to pack as Elizabeth's mother and father were having a going away formal for her downstairs, and she was the guest of honor. She summoned her handmaid Sarah to come and help her into her bodice. (Suggested rewrite: Elizabeth had no more time for packing. Her mother and father waited downstairs where a grand formal going-away dinner was planned for Elizabeth. She summoned her handmaid, Sarah, to held her into her bodice.)
I want to be helpful and provide psoitive suggestions, but there are too many places that need rewriting.
Best of luck with your furuture efforts.
JeffreyStone
Comment Written 28-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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Thanks
Comment from Dustybones
I am still quivering spastically after that escapade of torrential wettness. Good idea to warn on this sexy orgasmic thought, No Joking!
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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I am still quivering spastically after that escapade of torrential wettness. Good idea to warn on this sexy orgasmic thought, No Joking!
Comment Written 28-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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thanks
Comment from msdaigle2185
An interesting attempt to write a stylized seduction scene... a mix of propriety and (suggested) unspoken desire.. reads like it is a sex scene written by a teen-ager... suggest you go for high-style, almost arch nose-in-the-air approach which would lead to more deeper sensuality and reader involvement, and perhaps a some humor ... characters are not terribly interesting and descriptions of body parts does not make for a successful sex scene
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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An interesting attempt to write a stylized seduction scene... a mix of propriety and (suggested) unspoken desire.. reads like it is a sex scene written by a teen-ager... suggest you go for high-style, almost arch nose-in-the-air approach which would lead to more deeper sensuality and reader involvement, and perhaps a some humor ... characters are not terribly interesting and descriptions of body parts does not make for a successful sex scene
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the suggestions.
Comment from Gooloom
One has to be entirely ageless to enjoy the two romps u have so delightfully described, in your erotic love story. I am over the seventies now , but that could not stop me from feeling thrilled at your description of the sexual scenes between the sis ters and their negro lover. very effective and alive. Full participation of the readers guaranteed. Good for you girl. Thats love and God wanted it that way. Gooloom
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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One has to be entirely ageless to enjoy the two romps u have so delightfully described, in your erotic love story. I am over the seventies now , but that could not stop me from feeling thrilled at your description of the sexual scenes between the sis ters and their negro lover. very effective and alive. Full participation of the readers guaranteed. Good for you girl. Thats love and God wanted it that way. Gooloom
Comment Written 27-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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Thank you
Comment from Leineco
I like this "bodice-ripper" format you have chosen. Especially, that you did an extensive set up to establish the scene. The inner Dialog Elizabeth has regarding the "hugeness" of the adventure she was about to set off on was exceptionally well written :-)
And, of course, the sex scene was quite graphic, without ever slipping into raunchy.
Well done :-)
A couple editing fixes you ned to address though:
1) phrase repeat in para 4 & 5 -
She summoned her handmaid Sarah to come and help her into her bodice.
Elizabeth said, "Sarah, I want you to help me look especially pretty tonight as I will not be seeing my friends and family for a year. I want to leave them with a good impression." As she summoned her handmaid Sarah to come.
2)unnecessary repeat of outside in para 9 :
She went outside on the veranda to be alone and get some fresh air. Elizabeth, now outside, leaned against the wall
3) I think you changed your mind from "The man" to "Edmond" in para 14
Edmond man walked directly over
man needs to be deleted
Just editing errors :-)
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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I like this "bodice-ripper" format you have chosen. Especially, that you did an extensive set up to establish the scene. The inner Dialog Elizabeth has regarding the "hugeness" of the adventure she was about to set off on was exceptionally well written :-)
And, of course, the sex scene was quite graphic, without ever slipping into raunchy.
Well done :-)
A couple editing fixes you ned to address though:
1) phrase repeat in para 4 & 5 -
She summoned her handmaid Sarah to come and help her into her bodice.
Elizabeth said, "Sarah, I want you to help me look especially pretty tonight as I will not be seeing my friends and family for a year. I want to leave them with a good impression." As she summoned her handmaid Sarah to come.
2)unnecessary repeat of outside in para 9 :
She went outside on the veranda to be alone and get some fresh air. Elizabeth, now outside, leaned against the wall
3) I think you changed your mind from "The man" to "Edmond" in para 14
Edmond man walked directly over
man needs to be deleted
Just editing errors :-)
Comment Written 26-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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Thanks corrections made.
Comment from Max Edon
I don't usually read dirty stories but I really enjoyed reading this. One small nit-pick, though. You said she was from an English family, but I got the feeling Fiona and Elizabeth were Southern Belles.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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I don't usually read dirty stories but I really enjoyed reading this. One small nit-pick, though. You said she was from an English family, but I got the feeling Fiona and Elizabeth were Southern Belles.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2013
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thanks for the read and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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You are welcome
Comment from Bill Schott
This was definitely a go with the flow moment captured here for the reaming of Elizabeth. She seems to have gotten over the flash rape rather quickly and I guess Ed got his freak on.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013
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This was definitely a go with the flow moment captured here for the reaming of Elizabeth. She seems to have gotten over the flash rape rather quickly and I guess Ed got his freak on.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013
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thank you for the kind review.
Comment from c_lucas
A sexual fantasy with its own energy force. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an erotic read. I didn't see any errors.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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A sexual fantasy with its own energy force. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an erotic read. I didn't see any errors.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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thank you
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You're welcome.
