The Power of One
Where does true power come from27 total reviews
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi,
You have done a great job of creating a supernatural story, one where your main character has the power to control his wants. I like that his decision is made by love, and as mentioned in the beginning hasn't killed in all his sixteen years.
Best of luck with the contest.
Bye
Rosalyne
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Hi,
You have done a great job of creating a supernatural story, one where your main character has the power to control his wants. I like that his decision is made by love, and as mentioned in the beginning hasn't killed in all his sixteen years.
Best of luck with the contest.
Bye
Rosalyne
Comment Written 15-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Thank you
Comment from pipersfancy
I feel like this could be the start of something bigger, and really quite compelling! I like the character development - very well done, especially given the brevity of the piece. I hope you consider expanding on this!
PF
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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I feel like this could be the start of something bigger, and really quite compelling! I like the character development - very well done, especially given the brevity of the piece. I hope you consider expanding on this!
PF
Comment Written 15-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Thank you
Comment from wierdgrace
wow its amazing how you could tell a short story and still say so much, I loved this supernatural teen, and the power of love, well written, and I wish you luck in the contest. thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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wow its amazing how you could tell a short story and still say so much, I loved this supernatural teen, and the power of love, well written, and I wish you luck in the contest. thank you for sharing
Comment Written 15-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Thank you
Comment from Cry the Vile Rebel
This was a wonderful journey that I wistful wish hadn't ended. you did a good job of swiftly setting up your world and inhabiting it. What was skillful about this write was that you managed to make us care about your heroes in such a short time. Well done.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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This was a wonderful journey that I wistful wish hadn't ended. you did a good job of swiftly setting up your world and inhabiting it. What was skillful about this write was that you managed to make us care about your heroes in such a short time. Well done.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Thank you
Comment from janalma
Very good. Mysterious entity which is not explained nor does it need to be, in my opinion. Always makes a good story when the bullies get their come-uppance. Only thing, and I don't know if this is just me, it sounds like he is telling this regretfully after the fact, yet, per the last line, actually he is quite happy with the outcome. This interpretation comes from the second paragraph where he seems to be telling the story with regret. Maybe you could say something like...'at the time.'
This is what I mean:
"I wished I had just followed them but I messed up. Why didn't I just walk away? Why did she have to cry? Why did she have to look at me? Those big brown eyes, so beautiful, so sad, so..."
It almost makes it sound like something bad happened, whereas, I take it, something good did.
Altogether, tho, it is a well told and written story.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Very good. Mysterious entity which is not explained nor does it need to be, in my opinion. Always makes a good story when the bullies get their come-uppance. Only thing, and I don't know if this is just me, it sounds like he is telling this regretfully after the fact, yet, per the last line, actually he is quite happy with the outcome. This interpretation comes from the second paragraph where he seems to be telling the story with regret. Maybe you could say something like...'at the time.'
This is what I mean:
"I wished I had just followed them but I messed up. Why didn't I just walk away? Why did she have to cry? Why did she have to look at me? Those big brown eyes, so beautiful, so sad, so..."
It almost makes it sound like something bad happened, whereas, I take it, something good did.
Altogether, tho, it is a well told and written story.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Thank you. Yes, I see what you mean.
Comment from SaluteDobby
Hi Mystery writer,
This was really good. I enjoyed this short, but gripping story. A good take on the prompt. I was hooked from the first line. All the best with the contest!
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Hi Mystery writer,
This was really good. I enjoyed this short, but gripping story. A good take on the prompt. I was hooked from the first line. All the best with the contest!
Comment Written 15-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Thank you
Comment from elchupakabra
This is a great story, it kind of reminds me of a loose interpretation of the film 'Chronicle'. I don't know if you've seen it, but it's about teens who develop supernatural psychic abilities, but the film is shot in the first person camera view similar to 'The Blair Witch Project'. I recommend the movie if you haven't seen it, it's quite good. Your descriptive prose was excellent, the dialogue was believable and the story had that extra bit of pinnache that left me wanting more. Should you get the chance I'd consider extending this story. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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This is a great story, it kind of reminds me of a loose interpretation of the film 'Chronicle'. I don't know if you've seen it, but it's about teens who develop supernatural psychic abilities, but the film is shot in the first person camera view similar to 'The Blair Witch Project'. I recommend the movie if you haven't seen it, it's quite good. Your descriptive prose was excellent, the dialogue was believable and the story had that extra bit of pinnache that left me wanting more. Should you get the chance I'd consider extending this story. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Thank you. I will go to redbox and look for that.
Comment from adewpearl
An excellent dramatic, attention-grabbing opening
You get inside the narrator's troubled thoughts most effectively
Mind your own business, freak - add comma for direct address
Hey, Tye, I think - add comma
I wished the bell would ring, but - I added the comma
their first choice, but - add comma
Seeing her run to my aide - aid
I love the closing, love the story :-) You convey a powerful message in a spellbinding way. Brooke
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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An excellent dramatic, attention-grabbing opening
You get inside the narrator's troubled thoughts most effectively
Mind your own business, freak - add comma for direct address
Hey, Tye, I think - add comma
I wished the bell would ring, but - I added the comma
their first choice, but - add comma
Seeing her run to my aide - aid
I love the closing, love the story :-) You convey a powerful message in a spellbinding way. Brooke
Comment Written 15-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Thank you for edits and the review.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Every teen's dream is to be invulnerable. You've created one who cannot be harmed but wishes to be left in peace. Well done. :) nancy
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Every teen's dream is to be invulnerable. You've created one who cannot be harmed but wishes to be left in peace. Well done. :) nancy
Comment Written 15-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Thank you
Comment from Naba-man
Your writing is good and you are very imaginative, but I must confess, I am a bit lost in the storyline. Now, I assume this is bracketed by excerpts before and after this excerpt; is that right? If so, that missing context would probably fix my ignorance. Either way, I'm inclined to give your five stars, because, really, it is excellent. And I rarely read or enjoy fiction. So, great job!
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Your writing is good and you are very imaginative, but I must confess, I am a bit lost in the storyline. Now, I assume this is bracketed by excerpts before and after this excerpt; is that right? If so, that missing context would probably fix my ignorance. Either way, I'm inclined to give your five stars, because, really, it is excellent. And I rarely read or enjoy fiction. So, great job!
Comment Written 15-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013
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Thank you. Flash fiction often leaves me wanting to know more.
