Comment from AlvinTEthington

Good

I like this, Debbie, and the visual imagery is superb. I think, though, it would be more powerful if it evoked emotion in the reader/hearer rather than included commentary. For instance, I think this sentence--Absence of luxury changes perspective--could be omitted, for that is the theme of the whole haibun. Let the reader/hearer discern that for himself or herself. Don't do the work for reader/hearer. Keep it more objective. Good use of abbreviated syntax.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 15-Aug-2013

---

reply by the author on 15-Aug-2013

Thanks so very much Alvin. I think I will take that out as well as revise the sentence about lose of a hundred years.
I just found out Prune Juice is going to publish another of my senryu in their next edition:

search for self
some days reveals only
dust bunnies

Thanks for all your help~Debbie

Comment from tedanytime

Excellent

Great haibun.
Short bursts described the cabin get-a-way.
Memories, I think, are just like your haiku.
This seems to be one that persists, and highlights a simple holiday...

 Comment Written 14-Aug-2013

---

reply by the author on 21-Aug-2013

Thank you~Debbie

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

I have become a huge fan of Haibuns, and yours did not disappoint me. You did a good job writing this post. I think I would like to visit this Horse Ranch.

 Comment Written 13-Aug-2013

---

reply by the author on 21-Aug-2013

Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it~Debbie

Comment from Mrs Happy Poet

Excellent

Yes this is well written my friend full of beautiful imagery and feeling you have done well the two parts go together naturally I enjoyed regards Jill

 Comment Written 13-Aug-2013

---

reply by the author on 21-Aug-2013

Thank you so very much, my friend~Debbie

Comment from writerwish

Excellent

Riding on horses in the snow. How awesome that must be.The description on the hominess of this place. Cider, warmth of fireplace. Wish I was there.

 Comment Written 12-Aug-2013

---

reply by the author on 13-Aug-2013

It was a wonderful opportunity. Thanks so much for reviewing~Debbie

Comment from Jumbo J

Excellent

Hi Debbie,
I'm going to start off with my apology for not being able to give this the six it deserves... I was on your journey and I was enjoying the nature, the fresh air and the homely memories of what real holiday wishes are about... The simple things that count... And for me, well let's just say I love being in the wilderness... I love a little bit of old-time flavour... So, by the time I got to your Haiku I was smiling and shaking my head in agreence... A true gift indeed.
Kindest thoughts,
James xx

 Comment Written 12-Aug-2013

---

reply by the author on 13-Aug-2013

James,

Your kind words mean more than any stars. This was a very special time for me and made me realize that there is more to life than consumerism. I do truly envy those who lived in simpler times even though it was hard work. They must have felt a feeling of satisfaction that we never achieve today. Thanks, my friend~Debbie xx

Comment from donaldww

Excellent

This is an excellent haibun. I have only a couple of suggestions:

Reach hundred year old log cabin, wood-burning stove, outhouse.
{
I think you should introduce your first person narrator here.

I reach a [hundred year old] log cabin, wood-burning stove, outhouse.

Or is it a group of people?

We reach a [hundred year old] log cabin, wood-burning stove, outhouse.

(Hundred year old is explained below.)
}

Absence of luxury changes perspective.
{
I thought this would better sound better like this: Absence of luxuries change perspectives.

But you should just remove the sentence altogether, as it is an authorial commentary. The reader can see that perspectives have changed with the final sentence.

Wilderness replaces civilization -- a hundred years vanished. <<-- Also consider removing this sentence for the same reasons. If you want to show the 100 years, add it in as shown above, or in some other sentence:

We reach the hundred year old log cabin, wood-burning stove, outhouse.
}

I think you could tighten up the haiku something with less words:

tightly closed petals unfold . . .
true grit revealed

Well done!

Cheers,
DW

 Comment Written 12-Aug-2013

---

reply by the author on 12-Aug-2013

Thanks so much, Donald. This remains a work in progress. I will consider your suggestions as I get to the final version. I appreciate your detailed review and enjoyed having you in class~Debbie

Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens

Excellent

Very nicely done Debbie. I really enjoyed the flow of the story and then on into the poem as the ending. You have closely described the scenes of my family Christmas. Not just the horse ranch, but, home, 'til I was almost four years, then we moved. Wonderful read. Carolyn

 Comment Written 12-Aug-2013

---

reply by the author on 12-Aug-2013

Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it~Debbie

Comment from barkingdog

Excellent

I enjoyed your look at a Christmas spent in a rustic cabin and going back in time with all of the home cooking, cutting their own tree and sleeping in handmade quilts.

A true gift revealed.

 Comment Written 12-Aug-2013

---

reply by the author on 12-Aug-2013

Thanks so very much, Ellen. Glad you enjoyed~Debbie

Comment from Robert Lee Brown

Excellent

Debbie, this is a good read and reminds me of when I was a an early teen, not just Christmas but all year long. The words you have chosen paint pictures in my mind as I read. I want to thank you for sharing. Sorry you missed out on the contest. Your friend, Bob

 Comment Written 12-Aug-2013

---

reply by the author on 12-Aug-2013

Thanks so much, Bob. Glad you enjoyed it, my friend~Debbie