Kingdom of words
Prisoner in a fantasy world8 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Great write, my friend. Long time no see, eh? Strong thoughts assembled just right " from the light columns up in the sky to black, fetid, lusty, mud of the depot." Wow! Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
  |
Great write, my friend. Long time no see, eh? Strong thoughts assembled just right " from the light columns up in the sky to black, fetid, lusty, mud of the depot." Wow! Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 18-May-2013
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
-
Thanks Bob, i took a hiatus for a couple of months. i'm slowly making my way back
-
I totally understand, Adina. Bob
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I can't wait to see what will happen. Great hook.
"Martin", Edi addressed the book seller, ("Martin," comma goes inside the quotation)
Books are not undergarments you throw in a dirty laundry baske." (basket?)
"Martin ..." edi's voice trembling, mumbling, (Edi's?)
"Martin, Edi whispered in a faltering voice ... Martin, you need to get me my dose ... "
"Edi, are you crazy? Why do you think you can do that here ... in the middle of everything... What, God, you want to drag me down with you? (space needed between the two dialogues)
 |
I can't wait to see what will happen. Great hook.
"Martin", Edi addressed the book seller, ("Martin," comma goes inside the quotation)
Books are not undergarments you throw in a dirty laundry baske." (basket?)
"Martin ..." edi's voice trembling, mumbling, (Edi's?)
"Martin, Edi whispered in a faltering voice ... Martin, you need to get me my dose ... "
"Edi, are you crazy? Why do you think you can do that here ... in the middle of everything... What, God, you want to drag me down with you? (space needed between the two dialogues)
Comment Written 18-May-2013
Comment from Norbanus
This is an interesting tale, Apelle.
Here are a few spots you might want to check:
The book covers looked like tobacco leaves yellowed by time. From time to time, the morning light wind blew through the aged leaves.(repearted word 'time' Perhaps 'occasionally' would work for 'time after time')
"Martin,(") Edi whispered in a faltering voice ... (")Martin, you need to get me my dose ... (")
What, God, you want to drag me down with you?(")
|
This is an interesting tale, Apelle.
Here are a few spots you might want to check:
The book covers looked like tobacco leaves yellowed by time. From time to time, the morning light wind blew through the aged leaves.(repearted word 'time' Perhaps 'occasionally' would work for 'time after time')
"Martin,(") Edi whispered in a faltering voice ... (")Martin, you need to get me my dose ... (")
What, God, you want to drag me down with you?(")
Comment Written 16-May-2013
Comment from Dean Kuch
Edi, Martin and Roxy are some of the main characters. Edi is a young college architectural student, addicted to an unknown substance and struggling with his mortality a bit. Martin is an author who sees Edi for the first time after three years at his book seller's kiosk, barely recognizing him at first. But, Martin is much more than just a mere bookseller. Martin also is wise and grizzled. Roxy, I assume, is Eli's love interest or girlfriend; someone that Martin once lectured, as he did Edi. Edi is in dire need of a "fix", and supposes Martin can supply him with one. But, can he? That remains to be seen...
I love the vivid imagery here. The prose is almost lyrical in places. The story remains a mystery. I will follow along to assure I too get at it's inevitable conclusion. Some choppy writing in spots, but an interesting write overall.
 |
Edi, Martin and Roxy are some of the main characters. Edi is a young college architectural student, addicted to an unknown substance and struggling with his mortality a bit. Martin is an author who sees Edi for the first time after three years at his book seller's kiosk, barely recognizing him at first. But, Martin is much more than just a mere bookseller. Martin also is wise and grizzled. Roxy, I assume, is Eli's love interest or girlfriend; someone that Martin once lectured, as he did Edi. Edi is in dire need of a "fix", and supposes Martin can supply him with one. But, can he? That remains to be seen...
I love the vivid imagery here. The prose is almost lyrical in places. The story remains a mystery. I will follow along to assure I too get at it's inevitable conclusion. Some choppy writing in spots, but an interesting write overall.
Comment Written 16-May-2013
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
A dissolute life portrayed well by Edi on the edge of drug induced madness. The bookseller with years spent unwisely offers advice. Wonderful imagery.."I cleared the course meanders of my life." A well done piece with astute dialogue, crisp, and poignant.
Regards:
|
A dissolute life portrayed well by Edi on the edge of drug induced madness. The bookseller with years spent unwisely offers advice. Wonderful imagery.."I cleared the course meanders of my life." A well done piece with astute dialogue, crisp, and poignant.
Regards:
Comment Written 16-May-2013
Comment from Antonin70
Certainly worth five stars for the ambitious approach to the subject, but I did have a little difficulty getting close enough to the main characters to have any strong feelings about them. "The bookseller of life approached him " may at first conjure up a picture of a dominant, ubiquitous being with no tangible association with those around him. If this was done to emphasise his control of words, and hence their use in life, I am afraid it failed for me. Try as I would to get my head round the world that the authoress had created I could not imagine myself in it. This, however, strangely did not detract from my fascination with her approach to what she was trying to do. An absorbing read. Well done. Anton
reply by the author on 16-May-2013
|
Certainly worth five stars for the ambitious approach to the subject, but I did have a little difficulty getting close enough to the main characters to have any strong feelings about them. "The bookseller of life approached him " may at first conjure up a picture of a dominant, ubiquitous being with no tangible association with those around him. If this was done to emphasise his control of words, and hence their use in life, I am afraid it failed for me. Try as I would to get my head round the world that the authoress had created I could not imagine myself in it. This, however, strangely did not detract from my fascination with her approach to what she was trying to do. An absorbing read. Well done. Anton
Comment Written 16-May-2013
reply by the author on 16-May-2013
-
thank you for reading Anton. this is actually part of a bigger project and the story goes on with Edy being the main character. i'll post the rest of the story soon.
Comment from Flower98
That's a very interesting story you wrote there. A bit fiction and a bit from real life. The point you stopped writing was a very critical one. One wants to know more. Where is this conversation going? So I will need to read the second part to come to a rest of mind. Than you...
|
That's a very interesting story you wrote there. A bit fiction and a bit from real life. The point you stopped writing was a very critical one. One wants to know more. Where is this conversation going? So I will need to read the second part to come to a rest of mind. Than you...
Comment Written 16-May-2013
Comment from CR Delport
This story is very well written and you paint very vivid pictures with your words. Chewing cigarettes sounds gross though. Well done on a good job.
|
This story is very well written and you paint very vivid pictures with your words. Chewing cigarettes sounds gross though. Well done on a good job.
Comment Written 16-May-2013