Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Chapter 12, Part One, Snakes"A Boy's Story of the rural South
23 total reviews
Comment from humpwhistle
One of my favorite chapters, Bill.
I grew up in a home with six other people, and one bathroom.
The morning schedule was more important to us than it was to the railroads. Your grandparents are always real and vulnerable in their own way.
And Virge, of course, is the well of all practical information a young man might.
Enjoyed this a lot.
Sorry to be late. First my computer got sick, then when I got the repair bill, I did.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 05-May-2013
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One of my favorite chapters, Bill.
I grew up in a home with six other people, and one bathroom.
The morning schedule was more important to us than it was to the railroads. Your grandparents are always real and vulnerable in their own way.
And Virge, of course, is the well of all practical information a young man might.
Enjoyed this a lot.
Sorry to be late. First my computer got sick, then when I got the repair bill, I did.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 03-May-2013
reply by the author on 05-May-2013
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Thanks Lee - I'm glad you did circle back. For most of my life growing up, one bathroom too. I tell my kids that and they just can't believe it. I very much appreciate the six! Regards, Bill
Comment from God's Writer
A grand story my friend. You have and continue to make me feel apart of this story. I love your word pictures that take mere words and put them together to create a masterpiece.
reply by the author on 02-May-2013
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A grand story my friend. You have and continue to make me feel apart of this story. I love your word pictures that take mere words and put them together to create a masterpiece.
Comment Written 01-May-2013
reply by the author on 02-May-2013
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What a nice review! Thank you very much for reading and for your kind words. Bill
Comment from gene roush
This is a nice scene -- it has a Mark Twain voice to it.
The dialogue flows well and is nicely animated.
Some of the narrative is choppy, ie."It was like though, she had one foot back so she could turn around and run if need be."
If you can manage the narrative as well as you do the dialogue this can be amazing.
Thanks for sharing
gene
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2013
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This is a nice scene -- it has a Mark Twain voice to it.
The dialogue flows well and is nicely animated.
Some of the narrative is choppy, ie."It was like though, she had one foot back so she could turn around and run if need be."
If you can manage the narrative as well as you do the dialogue this can be amazing.
Thanks for sharing
gene
Comment Written 30-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2013
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Hi Gene - thanks for reading and your comments. I understand your point, but my intent has always been to write this POV Rabbit. If you read some of my other work, I believe you would notice a big difference in narrative from this one. Bill
Comment from GWHARGIS
Loved this one too. You have captured a time and a place and wrapped it together nicely. This is an escape for me to read. I can let myself be seduced into a slower and easier time. As always, Virge came through with the lesson for Rabbit. I'm with Rabbit. I hate to see the summer end.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2013
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Loved this one too. You have captured a time and a place and wrapped it together nicely. This is an escape for me to read. I can let myself be seduced into a slower and easier time. As always, Virge came through with the lesson for Rabbit. I'm with Rabbit. I hate to see the summer end.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2013
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Thank you very much for reading and your very kind and generous review! Regards, Bill
Comment from Sally Carter
Oh Bill, I love this story and these characters! I am so sorry about the 4, which is just for editing issues. The story is a 7, but I gotta be honest - there are a few things here that need a bit of housekeeping.
First off, your family sounds wonderful! What a great childhood you had, with so many good influences. The story of Curly Kale had me smiling from ear to ear.
And grandma's little talk with you brought a tear to my eye. And your observation about Grandpa thinking he's the boss but never being right.
I love these people. Plus, you sound to have been a very cute kid! Even with that hilarious response to Virge's questions, lol.
The thing which I respectfully suggest most needs a bit of attention is tenses at the beginning of the chapter. By the end it seems to have settled comfortably into past tense, but at the beginning there's a mixture of past and present. I'm sure present is fine when you are talking about things that always happen a certain way, like your grandparents' morning rituals, but in the narrative passages the present tense words need to be double checked. For instance in this para:
It's kind of a sad day, to start a sad week. This is Monday, and next Sunday, I'll be heading home to Alabama. To me, the summer seemed to disappear.
-- suggest if you are going to be consistent with past tense, it should be, "It was kind of a sad day, to start a sad week. It was Monday, and next Sunday I would be heading home to Alabama. To me, the summer...."
Worth checking paras 1 and 3 for similar, though after that it all seems to even out I think.
kingsnakes are smart. -- Cap K needed.
Well, a snakes gotta eat -- snake's
As I say, Bill, the 4 is just me trying to stick to the reviewing guidelines. I think this has the makings of a wonderful book, albeit a bit of editing might be required. Let me know when it gets into print, because I want a copy. Right?
My very best wishes to you, and please let me know if you want me to come back and re-review if you make any changes at this stage.
Always a delight to read about your childhood and the awesome Virge.
Yours
Sal
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reply by the author on 30-Apr-2013
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Oh Bill, I love this story and these characters! I am so sorry about the 4, which is just for editing issues. The story is a 7, but I gotta be honest - there are a few things here that need a bit of housekeeping.
First off, your family sounds wonderful! What a great childhood you had, with so many good influences. The story of Curly Kale had me smiling from ear to ear.
And grandma's little talk with you brought a tear to my eye. And your observation about Grandpa thinking he's the boss but never being right.
I love these people. Plus, you sound to have been a very cute kid! Even with that hilarious response to Virge's questions, lol.
The thing which I respectfully suggest most needs a bit of attention is tenses at the beginning of the chapter. By the end it seems to have settled comfortably into past tense, but at the beginning there's a mixture of past and present. I'm sure present is fine when you are talking about things that always happen a certain way, like your grandparents' morning rituals, but in the narrative passages the present tense words need to be double checked. For instance in this para:
It's kind of a sad day, to start a sad week. This is Monday, and next Sunday, I'll be heading home to Alabama. To me, the summer seemed to disappear.
-- suggest if you are going to be consistent with past tense, it should be, "It was kind of a sad day, to start a sad week. It was Monday, and next Sunday I would be heading home to Alabama. To me, the summer...."
Worth checking paras 1 and 3 for similar, though after that it all seems to even out I think.
kingsnakes are smart. -- Cap K needed.
Well, a snakes gotta eat -- snake's
As I say, Bill, the 4 is just me trying to stick to the reviewing guidelines. I think this has the makings of a wonderful book, albeit a bit of editing might be required. Let me know when it gets into print, because I want a copy. Right?
My very best wishes to you, and please let me know if you want me to come back and re-review if you make any changes at this stage.
Always a delight to read about your childhood and the awesome Virge.
Yours
Sal
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2013
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Hi Sal - I certainly don't mind a four, especially when it is accompanied with concrete examples of areas that need improvement. It is strange that you zeroed in on tense, because I struggled and struggled with the tense issue, especially in the beginning. I've made a couple of corrections which should make it more consistent. I always appreciate you stopping by and your willingness to help! Warm regards, Bill
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Thank you so much Bill. It's a pleasure to share thoughts with you. I might drop you a pm about those first paras...
Comment from chasennov
Rabbit. 'Chapter 12, Part One, Snakes.' An excellent chapter which I thought was well formulated and I enjoyed reading it. It also seemed to have a solid structure. Well done.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Rabbit. 'Chapter 12, Part One, Snakes.' An excellent chapter which I thought was well formulated and I enjoyed reading it. It also seemed to have a solid structure. Well done.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Thank you for reading. I appreciate your feedback. Bill
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My pleasure, Bill.
Comment from Adri7enne
Rabbit is sure having an idyllic summer. Too bad it had to come to an end. So Virge is going to solve Grandma's problem in his usual wise fashion. Keep a snake under the house and get rid of mice. That's a pretty smart plan.
I love how you take us all back to a previous time, seeing life from Rabbit's simple POV. Nice to feel like a boy out of school. Good work, Bill.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Rabbit is sure having an idyllic summer. Too bad it had to come to an end. So Virge is going to solve Grandma's problem in his usual wise fashion. Keep a snake under the house and get rid of mice. That's a pretty smart plan.
I love how you take us all back to a previous time, seeing life from Rabbit's simple POV. Nice to feel like a boy out of school. Good work, Bill.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Thanks Adri - it was a simpler time. I'm thinking maybe three or four more chapters in this book, but Rabbit won't die! Bill
Comment from Shirley B
Oh Bill, I loved this chapter. It brought back a lot of memories for me. As soon as I saw the picture I thought I was seeing a 'chicken snake.' I am now sure it was a king snake. I hope more chapter are coming after Rabbit goes home. I have enjoyed this book. Great job, Shirley
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2013
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Oh Bill, I loved this chapter. It brought back a lot of memories for me. As soon as I saw the picture I thought I was seeing a 'chicken snake.' I am now sure it was a king snake. I hope more chapter are coming after Rabbit goes home. I have enjoyed this book. Great job, Shirley
Comment Written 28-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2013
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Thank you for reading Shirley and for bringing a big old smile my way. Written as fiction, but based on all sorts of true things. The snake story is quite accurate! Always warm regards, Bill
Comment from Sasha
What a marvelous surprise when I opened my message box and found this post. I love this book and am always eager to read it. I enjoyed this chapter very much and do hope the book doesn't end when Rabbit goes home. I will miss him all the fun stories about him. Great work with this one. Thanks so much for sharing.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2013
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What a marvelous surprise when I opened my message box and found this post. I love this book and am always eager to read it. I enjoyed this chapter very much and do hope the book doesn't end when Rabbit goes home. I will miss him all the fun stories about him. Great work with this one. Thanks so much for sharing.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2013
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Thank you for reading and for a review that brought a smile my way! I'm thinking about four more chapters. Warm regards, Bill
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That is what I wanted to hear. Rabbit is such a charming and fun character that I would miss him terribly if you were to stop now.
Comment from JW
This is another well written chapter and a great addition to your story. I could easily picture the scene before me as I read it.
It even stirred up a few memories of my life as a kid on a farm.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2013
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This is another well written chapter and a great addition to your story. I could easily picture the scene before me as I read it.
It even stirred up a few memories of my life as a kid on a farm.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
Comment Written 28-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2013
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Thanks Jonathon. If I can in a small way, allow you to see what I'm writing, it gives me hope. Regards, Bill
