Legacy of the Beast
a prophecy comes to fruition30 total reviews
Comment from Hitcher
Nice Mike, I have just[about 12 hours ago] watched; Werewolf- The beast among us, not the best Werewolf movie ever made, but worthy a gander mate. I thoroughly enjoyed your little offering and would definitely be into a longer story... After Warped OF COURSE! Good luck mate !
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Nice Mike, I have just[about 12 hours ago] watched; Werewolf- The beast among us, not the best Werewolf movie ever made, but worthy a gander mate. I thoroughly enjoyed your little offering and would definitely be into a longer story... After Warped OF COURSE! Good luck mate !
Comment Written 18-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Yes, Warped is definitely first priority. I've had a couple of reviews from complete planks on this story. [if they're reading this in the story feedback section, YOU'RE PLANKS!]. So it's awesome to know you enjoyed it.
Mike
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Oh my the big guns have come out for this contest. I hope this is a community vote. I have read two really great entries. Yours is one of them. You did your usual wonderful job of writing. I am glad you are going to finish Warped before continuing this one. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Oh my the big guns have come out for this contest. I hope this is a community vote. I have read two really great entries. Yours is one of them. You did your usual wonderful job of writing. I am glad you are going to finish Warped before continuing this one. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Thank you, Barbara. Not everyone's agreed with this story so I don't think I have a chance - it's a site contest so no votes. I had a similarly all-over-the-place response to my new poem, so I think I'll just stick to writing Warped!
Mike
Comment from bayoupoet
This is a well written story, although a bit far fetched. I'm assuming the younger brother is a werewolf. The very descriptive imagery is well done and your imagination is to the top. Good luck in the contest.
sandra
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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This is a well written story, although a bit far fetched. I'm assuming the younger brother is a werewolf. The very descriptive imagery is well done and your imagination is to the top. Good luck in the contest.
sandra
Comment Written 17-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Thank you, Sandra :-). Not everyone likes my heavy descriptions, but thankfully they're outnumbered. I did try to pack a bit too much into this one, I think. Definitely warrants later expansion!
Mike
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You are very welcome, Mike!
Comment from garrymc5
Sorry but I found this almost comprehensible. For starters, these writings below are 'clunky' and overblown.
'That was my last hope, hanging in the air like a frayed rope held together by cotton. I grasped it willingly, just as my clammy hand gripped the child's toy, and poured'
'. My heart hammered like a bass drum in my chest, sending sickening vibrations through my lungs and a repeating spike of pain into the space behind my eyes. '
'Filling my mind with memories of peace, I coaxed my body to some semblance of sanity. Lazy Su'
If I got past that (and many would not), it jumps into another story that we must work to connect. Most people would have given up by then.
Maybe start with the 'second. story.
You need to ditch all this ' dying light as death approached from the horizon. Borne on the wings of ancient evil, the cold of the night had arrive'. It all gravy and no meat.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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Sorry but I found this almost comprehensible. For starters, these writings below are 'clunky' and overblown.
'That was my last hope, hanging in the air like a frayed rope held together by cotton. I grasped it willingly, just as my clammy hand gripped the child's toy, and poured'
'. My heart hammered like a bass drum in my chest, sending sickening vibrations through my lungs and a repeating spike of pain into the space behind my eyes. '
'Filling my mind with memories of peace, I coaxed my body to some semblance of sanity. Lazy Su'
If I got past that (and many would not), it jumps into another story that we must work to connect. Most people would have given up by then.
Maybe start with the 'second. story.
You need to ditch all this ' dying light as death approached from the horizon. Borne on the wings of ancient evil, the cold of the night had arrive'. It all gravy and no meat.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2013
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I prefer my writing to have some art to its description. I'm not a fan of this sliced-down, raw style of storytelling that's resulted in flash fiction. Without analogy and exposition, there's no imagery of motif, context or textural atmosphere. I guess I like my style. If that alienates occasional readers, so be it.
Mike
Comment from gene roush
This is nice.
The scene is set well and intriguing. I hope you will continue the story
I really like,"That was my last hope, hanging in the air like a frayed rope" but I think "held together by cotton" diminishes the image -- sometimes less is more.
I look froward to seeing more of the story.
Gene
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2013
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This is nice.
The scene is set well and intriguing. I hope you will continue the story
I really like,"That was my last hope, hanging in the air like a frayed rope" but I think "held together by cotton" diminishes the image -- sometimes less is more.
I look froward to seeing more of the story.
Gene
Comment Written 17-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2013
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Thanks Gene. You may have a point about the extended analogy - I wasn't happy when I wrote it. Should have listened to my gut and taken it out!
Mike
Comment from God's Writer
A great story my friend. It was like going to the movies. Like watching pictures in order slowly slipping and falling. Thank you for this great story.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2013
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A great story my friend. It was like going to the movies. Like watching pictures in order slowly slipping and falling. Thank you for this great story.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2013
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Thanks so much, HP. I love to write very visual stories and it's great to know it comes across well.
Mike
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I do the same thing with poetry. Stop by and let me paint a word picture for you. I have 4 in at a dollar.
Comment from Sirach11
wow, and i dont read scary stuff; Edgar Allens been resting in a chair for years. i loved the descriptive narrative; and the hillbilly dialogie ( if hillbilly is the right term, sorry, just read an Applachian piece);
regardless, looking forward to seeing what the judges decide: but this is really an excellent read as literature and new genre for me.
best of luck.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2013
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wow, and i dont read scary stuff; Edgar Allens been resting in a chair for years. i loved the descriptive narrative; and the hillbilly dialogie ( if hillbilly is the right term, sorry, just read an Applachian piece);
regardless, looking forward to seeing what the judges decide: but this is really an excellent read as literature and new genre for me.
best of luck.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2013
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Thanks so much, Sira :-). I'm thrilled how much you enjoyed it. Some have raised concerns about the heavily stylised language I use, but it's the way I prefer to write. You guessed the locality of the dialogue right - I like to imply it without actually saying it, so I'm glad it worked here.
Mike
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how many millions of readers in the world.... I'm just thrilled I read a vampire/thriller and enjoy it thanks;
note ,new to the genre but i can smell cliche and predictabilty a mile away.
as for the language its what drew me in; and as a purist you do it well; i wish i could naturally; im a 5 edit gal (if ilucky) ; you wrote this on a lunch break! darn you.
blessings too.
laura
Comment from vee91113
I really liked how your story was broken up my the family legden and the present time. It was clearly marked too. I love adjectives so two thumbs up.
Great work.
-Vee
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2013
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I really liked how your story was broken up my the family legden and the present time. It was clearly marked too. I love adjectives so two thumbs up.
Great work.
-Vee
Comment Written 17-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2013
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Thanks, Vee - so glad you liked it.
Mike
Comment from turtledove
Fleedleflump, no need to pay me too much! I loved the story and good luck in the contest. "Sunlight lanced through the cracks in the East wall, sniffing out every inlet with ruthless power." Mike would you mind explaining this quote to me. Is the sun sniffing or is it Johnson, (first person). I try to write as descriptive as you, but I am still struggling. Excellent work! Hope you favour well, in the contest, turtledove.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2013
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Fleedleflump, no need to pay me too much! I loved the story and good luck in the contest. "Sunlight lanced through the cracks in the East wall, sniffing out every inlet with ruthless power." Mike would you mind explaining this quote to me. Is the sun sniffing or is it Johnson, (first person). I try to write as descriptive as you, but I am still struggling. Excellent work! Hope you favour well, in the contest, turtledove.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2013
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Thanks so much, Turtledove :-). I wrote this in a mad rush so I'm glad it's come out making sense. I adore description, although it gets a bit heavy for some readers at times.
In that quote, I was personifying the sun by giving it senses - hopefully enhancing the image that light, in this story, is a powerful creature, and as important as a character.
Mike
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Thank-you Fleedlflump! personification is a technique I would like to use more of:) I think you pull it off very well. It makes the reader think/examine. My YA courses are less description and more action. I still prefer to add description, I think it ensures the YA are still thinkin:)
turtledove
Comment from sherrygreywolf
Wow! Thanks for the great read, Mike. Can't wait to see the longer version. For such a short piece, the characters were developed enough to give us a good picture of the different personalities. It's a shame it's not longer - like I said, I can't wait for the longer version.
sherry
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2013
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Wow! Thanks for the great read, Mike. Can't wait to see the longer version. For such a short piece, the characters were developed enough to give us a good picture of the different personalities. It's a shame it's not longer - like I said, I can't wait for the longer version.
sherry
Comment Written 16-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2013
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Thanks so much, Sherry :-). I always worry about characters in short pieces - hence all the tricks like localised dialogue and heavy metaphor. I'm really happy you liked it!
Mike
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I use the same type of techniques, so I suppose I'm comfortable with the style of your work. I love writing this type of short story.
best wishes for success -sherry
