Cold Dead Hands
One girl's personal struggle to survive nuclear winter.63 total reviews
Comment from Spitfire
I didn't turn up the sound since that is what spooks me out. I was surprized the narrator was a girl. Grim descriptions and her slow descent into madness, although I wonder if it would be more effective told in third person. I don't feel fear when I know whoever is telling the events lived to record them.
I found it amusing in a lot of places -the dog humping other dogs for one thing. If you intend to create horror, is there room for this? That's why I can't help but feel the narrator is loony tunes already.
Nice irony that she wants to spare future generations the agony of Alzheimer's. At the end she can't remember where she left her hammer. I see a connection here.
The writing itself is excellent. I'm just confused as to the mood you want to create.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
  |
I didn't turn up the sound since that is what spooks me out. I was surprized the narrator was a girl. Grim descriptions and her slow descent into madness, although I wonder if it would be more effective told in third person. I don't feel fear when I know whoever is telling the events lived to record them.
I found it amusing in a lot of places -the dog humping other dogs for one thing. If you intend to create horror, is there room for this? That's why I can't help but feel the narrator is loony tunes already.
Nice irony that she wants to spare future generations the agony of Alzheimer's. At the end she can't remember where she left her hammer. I see a connection here.
The writing itself is excellent. I'm just confused as to the mood you want to create.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
-
You got it right off the bat, Spit. She is already whacko at the time she begins this 'journal', if you will. She has already been made to strangle and mutilate a dog, crack her dad in the head, witness her mom leave, never to return. Yep, she's a nut-job! She knows she is losing her grip on reality, and that's precisely why she feels the need to write. I suppose I drew on what I would do if faced with a similar situation. I'd write my cojones off!
The impending lunacy she feels is what promts her to think of Alzheimers, and her Grandparents.
You are a very perceptive, clinically thinking reader and reviewer. I like that. Although, based upon your work, I should have already guessed as much by now.
Thanks so much for your insights and questions. That was great!
-
Oh good! I'm so glad I got it right.
Comment from david bell
Although this has been done several times over, you pulled it off. I like how you included background information in the diaries. I'm not thrilled about the bolded parts. They aren't as powerful as the start of the story. You have raised the bar on writing. But I would like you to write something that hasn't been overdone.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
|
Although this has been done several times over, you pulled it off. I like how you included background information in the diaries. I'm not thrilled about the bolded parts. They aren't as powerful as the start of the story. You have raised the bar on writing. But I would like you to write something that hasn't been overdone.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
-
I try David, really (chuckling here), That's just it, so-o-o very much has been done, and done, and done...That's like telling a poet to quit writing about Jesus and love.
I have wrote some other stories here that do not involve a nuclear strike (how many scenarios can we play out with nukes when so many can base so much on scientific data?)
Give 'Fried Freida: A Campfire Tale' a shot sometime, when you've got some time. it's a bit...different. I'll endeavor to return the favor to you, tonight, to read a posting or two of yours, promise.
Thanks for the questions, and the great review.
-
Our hearts tell us to write and sometimes we just have to write what it says. your level of writing is above mine. Try to read some of my Paradise Lost novel on this site, thanks
-
I will, david, and I seriously doubt that anything I've written is better than anything you have. I don't like to think of it that way. Different, perhaps, but no better. I'll be sure to check it out...
Comment from Christof McTarnahan
Very nice piece. I thoroughly enjoyed the pace, flow and post apocalyptic backdrop. All the bells and whistles worked for me too. An all around nuclear blast.I feel the need for a decontamination shower as we speak.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
 |
Very nice piece. I thoroughly enjoyed the pace, flow and post apocalyptic backdrop. All the bells and whistles worked for me too. An all around nuclear blast.I feel the need for a decontamination shower as we speak.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
-
Hah, thanks Tumorsak. I'm glad you got a little 'dirtied up' reading this one. make sure you get all the ash. I hear that can be very dangerous... :)
Comment from DRG24
A wonderful job!!!!! Two comments: One) The days of teh week are spelled wrong in American English Two) More of a piece of advice: For a zombie apocolypse book never have teh people who caused it be from outer space because I just read a really good one but it was bad because of the aliens that were tacked on to it!
Anyway good job!
-DRG
BTW you better write more in this cause this is awesome
G ood luck in the story of the month
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
|
A wonderful job!!!!! Two comments: One) The days of teh week are spelled wrong in American English Two) More of a piece of advice: For a zombie apocolypse book never have teh people who caused it be from outer space because I just read a really good one but it was bad because of the aliens that were tacked on to it!
Anyway good job!
-DRG
BTW you better write more in this cause this is awesome
G ood luck in the story of the month
Comment Written 27-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
-
Thanks for your outstanding review, DRG24. It's for people with enthusiasm like yours that keeps me wanting to write.
-
Your welcome!!! You really need to write more because I have not seen that many good zombie apocalypse books lately! For really good example you can look at Charlie Higson's THE ENEMY. Also, you can read a lesser known book that I enjoyed which shows my theory that aliens should never be in a zombie apocalypse book! It's called Still Alive by A.c. Thorne and you can only find it on amazon. The beginning and middle were really good for me but I hated the ending,
Anyway- I liked the ending of yours. :)
-DRG
Comment from MM lives on :)
WOW Dean, an original, poignant and unique story here my friend, keep these coming, the ending ...wow...F the critics like that jealous egotistical narcissist. BRAVO BUDDY!
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
|
WOW Dean, an original, poignant and unique story here my friend, keep these coming, the ending ...wow...F the critics like that jealous egotistical narcissist. BRAVO BUDDY!
Comment Written 27-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
-
Awww, he means well, he really does. Thanks for such a wonderful review from you, anyway, Christopher. I appreciate it.
Comment from JM daSilva
I think the ending makes it original. I never saw that coming. Now way. This is another one that I think you can get published because it seems familiar at first, but then, the ending makes it something else. Remember we talked about adverbs some time ago? I did a little experiment here in my editing, so I removed some adverbs. Tell me what you think, okay?
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
|
I think the ending makes it original. I never saw that coming. Now way. This is another one that I think you can get published because it seems familiar at first, but then, the ending makes it something else. Remember we talked about adverbs some time ago? I did a little experiment here in my editing, so I removed some adverbs. Tell me what you think, okay?
Comment Written 27-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
-
I did, JM, and it's brilliant, as always. I never look down on constructive critiquing. In fact, I really appreciate it when someone tells me exactly what they did, or did not like about a piece I have written. it's really a helpful tool, and can only make it better. Even Stephen King has editors, right?
What burns me is when someone roundly criticizes it, then gives me vague reasons as to WHY. You never fail to point out exactly where you felt I went 'wrong', and I can not thank you enough for that. You are always one-hundred percent honest with me.
Thanks again, JM, for everything!
-
You can be sure I'll be honest with you. It's a pleasure, my friend.
Comment from GWHARGIS
I think I was more scared of the fact that she had to eat raw meat and had no water than I was of the things pounding on the door. This was very terrifying and a bit too realistic. You hit on those hidden fears of mine and The damned emergency alert sound added to the drama. You are one of the few writers who write in three D. Great stuff.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
|
I think I was more scared of the fact that she had to eat raw meat and had no water than I was of the things pounding on the door. This was very terrifying and a bit too realistic. You hit on those hidden fears of mine and The damned emergency alert sound added to the drama. You are one of the few writers who write in three D. Great stuff.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2013
-
Thanks very much, GWHARGIS. I appreciate that.
The '3-D Virtual Storytelling' was utilized here to draw you into the setting, make you feel as if you are sitting right along side her as she goes through her ordeal. Instead of simply reading it, it's meant to draw you in and make you a PART of what's going on. It's a style that is not for everyone, let me tell you! But, the one's that DO appreciate it, if only a few, are the ones that I do it for. people like yourself. The readers that love it, LOVE IT, and the one's that don't, HATE IT. Hence, the WARNING!!! in bright red lettering across the top of each story that I've applied such a feature to. I do give the option to mute your speakers before you begin, if you don't want the sounds included. As I said, I realize it's not for everyone, but it's innovative and people that do like it should have that option, if they so choose.
The story itself has to stand alone, on it's own, sound FX or not. That's the part I concentrate on getting right the hardest. Ain't no sound effects coming from a paperback or a graphic novel...but hey, that's a thought!
I do appreciate your enthusiasm for my particular style. it is for people like yourself that I continue to do what it is I do...whatever that is, heh-heh. Thanks so much, again...
Comment from Ted T
Hi Dean :)
The piece started out with some good potential and I settled in for a good read, especially after checking out your "Book of the Month" nomination. Then came the reality-check -- Writing as one would in a journal, quickly becomes boring. It's all "telling" and no "showing".
This specific subject [plot] content has been done and done and done to death. You need to find something fresh to carry the story or it's lost from the start.
You need to proof your work more carefully. Here's one blatant reason:
[Broadcating System] -- it's Broadcasting System.
The ending sequence shut my interest down after just three lines. The whole concept there causes readers to stumble trying to understand what the author is talking about and why in such a manner?
The piece needs a lot of work.
Nothing I say will make any difference, you're getting a ton of "fluff" reviews praising the work all over the place.
By sheer numbers alone, you've won the usual "Paper Ribbons" because of your high-payout.
All of us are forced to pay high prices to get in the top twelve slots.
Good luck with the contest.
BTW: are you trying to make some sort of statement with all the sounds and video clips?
As a reader I like to "read" not listen & watch.
Ted
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
 |
Hi Dean :)
The piece started out with some good potential and I settled in for a good read, especially after checking out your "Book of the Month" nomination. Then came the reality-check -- Writing as one would in a journal, quickly becomes boring. It's all "telling" and no "showing".
This specific subject [plot] content has been done and done and done to death. You need to find something fresh to carry the story or it's lost from the start.
You need to proof your work more carefully. Here's one blatant reason:
[Broadcating System] -- it's Broadcasting System.
The ending sequence shut my interest down after just three lines. The whole concept there causes readers to stumble trying to understand what the author is talking about and why in such a manner?
The piece needs a lot of work.
Nothing I say will make any difference, you're getting a ton of "fluff" reviews praising the work all over the place.
By sheer numbers alone, you've won the usual "Paper Ribbons" because of your high-payout.
All of us are forced to pay high prices to get in the top twelve slots.
Good luck with the contest.
BTW: are you trying to make some sort of statement with all the sounds and video clips?
As a reader I like to "read" not listen & watch.
Ted
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
-
Whao, you're quite the tough audience there, my friend Ted. I suppose I'll have to give you a critique or two of my own concerning your work...
Funny, you are only one out of several reviewers who feel this way, but so be it. We each have our own tastes and opinions. That's what makes us unique and special in our own way.
Sad, you found this to be boring. I want to read some of the books YOU read. I'll bet those would be...interesting.
Thanks for taking your time, again sincerely, to read and review my work.
I'll admit, my 'virtual storytelling' is not for everyone. it's one of those 'love-it or hate-it' kinda things. I suppose I'll file you in the 'hated-it' category.
However,I do include a rather large WARNING!!! in bright red lettering, informing you to turn off your sound. It's still there, isn't it, at least, I hope it is. Based on this wonderful review, I suppose you've must've missed that somehow...
-
I assumed my review would be hard to swallow, especially put alongside all the ego-strokes you received.
If you want high-fives from me you'll have to improve your writing.
Perhaps you believe your work is good as is, that's your call, and should that be the case, go ahead with what you're doing.
Opinion and taste does factor in to any reader feedback, but experience and knowledge of the craft carry a lot of weight. If you're a "serious" writer [beyond the narrow scope of FS] then you're ready to work to a higher level.
I would suggest you submit what you have to a few print mags and E-Zines. I may be dead-wrong and you'll start selling. In that case, I would stand corrected.
Feel free to critique my writing any time, I said "critique" -- not "review" -- there's a big difference, and I haven't "critiqued" your work yet. Actually, I don't believe you want me to.
The authors you say have influenced your work are top examples of great writing. They paid dues to reach their individual ranking. You and I, and every other FS member, must pay our dues to even come close.
I've been in the writing arena way longer than you and I've learned a thing or two. One of the most important is being able to roll with the punches. If you can't handle an honest, tough critique, you're in for a bumpy ride.
Take care.
Ted
-
I actually enjoyed your review, Ted. You take my 'tongue-in-cheek' sarcasm a bit too seriously. Hey, you're absolutely right, you have been there, and I am trying to get there. You know much better than I what works, and what does not. You can review my work anytime, sir. It only makes me try and work that much better to improve my writing, and I do appreciate that.
I have been published, on two occasions, but I don't share that info with ANYONE here, so please, let's just keep that our little secret.
I just take offense when someone acts that their time is too valuable to 'waste' on my trite trash because it only pays two cents. That's the ONLY thing I've taken offense to that you've said to me thus far, and was not necessary, in my opinion. I would never insult you in such a way...
-
Hi Dean :)
I meant no offense with my comment regarding the low payout. I review a lot of low-payout work from my fans who aren't in a position to buy a slot in the top twelve of the 'Featured Page'. It's usually because they just don't have time to review enough to get the the payout higher.
The entire issue of the 'High payout' discussion has us old-timers up in arms because it hurts the general community. We were all quite happy with a ten-point, 90 cent level. Then a few newbies jacked up the payout so they would get high ratings quickly. The result is a ton of poor writing getting recognized and All Time Best awards. It has cheapened the meaning of the ribbons, if there ever was any to begin with.
There's way too much sensitivity and ego-tripping going on. Most of it is coming from new, younger, inexperienced members who get ticked off by a tough, honest critique.
A short time back, a few newbies were reporting tough reviews and critiques to admin. That action caused experienced reviewers to get unjustified warnings for being too harsh. I picked up a couple for wounding the novice's fragile ego. Several really talented writers packed it in and took their expertise elsewhere.
It's rapidly getting out of hand and reducing the quality of reviews and critiques. A few small-minded beginners can't deal with the reality of what good writing is all about.
Ted
-
See, I think that is ridiculous. If you're going to write, you're going to be critiqued, or, you had better hope so! if you're not getting critiques, negative or otherwise, no one's reading you. I f you can't handle constructive, honest feedback, then you mat as well quit writing now, while you're ahead.
I must have came to the site after the payout system changed. The current one is the only one I've ever known, so I don't have the benefit of knowledge that you do concerning the way it was. But, I'll admit to you, I am not crazy about earning 'pay' for reading. To me the whole concept seems a bit absurd. But, it's the current lay of the land, so I'll just have to roll with it.=, as we all do.
I did not get a chace to point out to you in our last conversation, that I did, in fact, re-edit Gag Order Part V, based upon your recommendations. Thanks to you, it has done much better on the few reviews it's garnered since revision. I am eternally grateful for that.
-
I'm sure there are truckloads of great chapters/stories that never see exposure like the FS community. Those hopeful writers are afraid to put the spotlight on their work. The thought of a critique or, God forbid, rejection is debilitating.
No matter what some members say in their profile regarding their desire to get brutally-honest feedback -- they really don't want it.
Down inside, the writer shares a piece of themselves here with the hope of praise.
I'm a stickler for some of the 'basic' rules writers should know and live by. When I find violations, I nail them in a critique.
I won't bore you with a list, but a few are the ones most often repeated. Overdone adverbial dialogue tags and too many adverbs in general. Starting narrative lines with ING-words are among the worst of the abused.
When I get the following response: "That's the way I write, it's my style." They've lost my help. In most cases, those authors haven't written enough to even have a 'style' ... and so it goes.
Take care and keep writing and remember, there's no such thing as perfection in any form of writing.
-
You betcha' Ted, same to you, my friend!
Comment from Cornelius2000
This is quite a remarkable story, and a horror story it is. The idea of being left alone to deal with something like this is extremely scary. The sound track certainly adds to the spookiness.
One very small suggestion. Somewhere you talk of wanting someone to "lay" down on the couch. That should be "lie" down. Thought you might want to fix it.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
|
This is quite a remarkable story, and a horror story it is. The idea of being left alone to deal with something like this is extremely scary. The sound track certainly adds to the spookiness.
One very small suggestion. Somewhere you talk of wanting someone to "lay" down on the couch. That should be "lie" down. Thought you might want to fix it.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
-
Thank you for such an outstanding review, Corneleius, and the more than generous rating. I really appreciate you diving in with both feet and taking the necessary time to read and review this for me. I will fix that 'lie-lay' deal ASAP. Thanks for pointing that out!
Comment from marijmd
Its like the diary of Anne Frank meets the end of the world. Yeah having to eat my Dad would really suck - not a good memory to keep a girl going. Nice job - good suspense - good retelling through the characters eyes.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
|
Its like the diary of Anne Frank meets the end of the world. Yeah having to eat my Dad would really suck - not a good memory to keep a girl going. Nice job - good suspense - good retelling through the characters eyes.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
-
Thanks so much for such a wonderful review, maijmd. I appreciate you taing the time to read and review this for me.
