Dragon in My Closet
A boy teaches a dragon how to bat a ball.21 total reviews
Comment from Sally Carter
Very charming! Don't kids of all ages just love dragons? Such wonderful possibilities for mischief and occasional scariness.
A nice conspiracy between child and dragon, which I'm sure kids would identify with.
The only reason for the 4 is there are a few lines where I think a small tweak would tighten up the meter or grammar, as follows:
She'll scream and cry when she finds (out?) what's hiding in my room. -- the "out" is my suggestion for meter.
"Come out, (please?) Dragon, you can't wear my clothes-they just don't fit. -- ditto as above.
And Ebay would go bonkers when my card is up for bids. -- for grammar, should it be "when my card was up for bids"?
So now let's practice. Did I hear someone say, "Play Ball!"? -- again the meter is not quite right, and for the last line I think it should be as strong as possible. My first thought was to change "someone" to "somebody". Any good?
If you think any of these points is worth taking up, I would be very happy to come back and up to a 5.
In any event, a pleasure to read this one.
Best wishes
Sally
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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Very charming! Don't kids of all ages just love dragons? Such wonderful possibilities for mischief and occasional scariness.
A nice conspiracy between child and dragon, which I'm sure kids would identify with.
The only reason for the 4 is there are a few lines where I think a small tweak would tighten up the meter or grammar, as follows:
She'll scream and cry when she finds (out?) what's hiding in my room. -- the "out" is my suggestion for meter.
"Come out, (please?) Dragon, you can't wear my clothes-they just don't fit. -- ditto as above.
And Ebay would go bonkers when my card is up for bids. -- for grammar, should it be "when my card was up for bids"?
So now let's practice. Did I hear someone say, "Play Ball!"? -- again the meter is not quite right, and for the last line I think it should be as strong as possible. My first thought was to change "someone" to "somebody". Any good?
If you think any of these points is worth taking up, I would be very happy to come back and up to a 5.
In any event, a pleasure to read this one.
Best wishes
Sally
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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Thank you so much for the assistance. I greatly appreciate it and I agree with all points. This is one of the benefits of Fanstory, getting another's view point to help make the work stronger.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Poet cares to share a fantastic story of a boy teaching a dragon how to bat ball, adventure with the wonder dragon entered in the closet of the boy is very soft and childlike innocence maintained, this is well expressed in a nice narrative taletelling with colourful images, visual portrayal, I enjoyed the dreamful story.
76-216-44467-Reviews Written-Thursday 14 March 2013-Ex FS Top Rank # 1 Reviewer
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2013
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Poet cares to share a fantastic story of a boy teaching a dragon how to bat ball, adventure with the wonder dragon entered in the closet of the boy is very soft and childlike innocence maintained, this is well expressed in a nice narrative taletelling with colourful images, visual portrayal, I enjoyed the dreamful story.
76-216-44467-Reviews Written-Thursday 14 March 2013-Ex FS Top Rank # 1 Reviewer
Comment Written 14-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2013
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Thank you for taking the time to read my piece and give such a generaous review.
Comment from RedGryffyn
I loved it, amazing job. The rhyming scheme is perfect and all the words seemed to fit. Imagery was present and you put the reader inside your story. I played baseball as a child and found the whole idea behind it so different but terrific. It flows nicely and the spelling is flawless. Thanks for sharing this exceptional poem.
Red Gryffyn
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2013
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I loved it, amazing job. The rhyming scheme is perfect and all the words seemed to fit. Imagery was present and you put the reader inside your story. I played baseball as a child and found the whole idea behind it so different but terrific. It flows nicely and the spelling is flawless. Thanks for sharing this exceptional poem.
Red Gryffyn
Comment Written 14-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2013
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Thank you for your kind words and review.
Comment from RodG
I love poems like this that are playful fantasy, and I'm sure kids would, too, if they took the time to read poetry. You do a wonderful job of characterizing both the boy and his new-found friend. I like how the Speaker talks like a kid: "EBay would go bonkers . . ." and his dialog with the dragon. And the rhymes are fun. RodG
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2013
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I love poems like this that are playful fantasy, and I'm sure kids would, too, if they took the time to read poetry. You do a wonderful job of characterizing both the boy and his new-found friend. I like how the Speaker talks like a kid: "EBay would go bonkers . . ." and his dialog with the dragon. And the rhymes are fun. RodG
Comment Written 14-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2013
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Thank you for the kind words.
Comment from Candyjean
This is such a sweet treat to read. I loved all the wonderful rhyming and the story line was unique. This could very well be made into a children's book with many eager eyes to read it. Great job.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2013
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This is such a sweet treat to read. I loved all the wonderful rhyming and the story line was unique. This could very well be made into a children's book with many eager eyes to read it. Great job.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2013
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Thank you CandyJean. It is one of five Dragon tales I hope to publish soon.
Comment from Tina McKala
Interesting poem, I really loved the beginning with cleaning the mess and putting it all into the closet :D It reminded me of myself :D really great job!
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2013
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Interesting poem, I really loved the beginning with cleaning the mess and putting it all into the closet :D It reminded me of myself :D really great job!
Comment Written 12-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2013
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Thanks for the review and kind words.
Comment from harmony13
Excellent Poem! This poem was extremely creative and
delightful to read. The poem flowed and connected well.
The artwork and color scheme were perfect and enhanced the read. Thank you for a well written poem. harmony13
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2013
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Excellent Poem! This poem was extremely creative and
delightful to read. The poem flowed and connected well.
The artwork and color scheme were perfect and enhanced the read. Thank you for a well written poem. harmony13
Comment Written 11-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2013
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thank you for your kind words.
Comment from ravenblack
nice, sweet dragon tail. like the line about e-bay. if it was a poem about my pet dragon, it would be one about using him for an excuse as to why my room was so messy
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2013
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nice, sweet dragon tail. like the line about e-bay. if it was a poem about my pet dragon, it would be one about using him for an excuse as to why my room was so messy
Comment Written 11-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2013
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Haha. It was messing up his closet. Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Harlequin
A well written, good flowing story full of great imagery that has made me smile. :) Well done and thanks for sharing. Good photo too.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2013
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A well written, good flowing story full of great imagery that has made me smile. :) Well done and thanks for sharing. Good photo too.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2013
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from adewpearl
solid rhyming couplets
and when read aloud, as all children's poetry should be, your poem has a good cadence
I love the temptations the child offers to induce the dragon to come out of the closet
I also love the fantasy about becoming a baseball star whose card sells for lots of money on ebay LOL
Mom's calling me to eat - capitalize Mom as it's being used as her name in this line
good alliteration in head on home
This is just delightful :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2013
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solid rhyming couplets
and when read aloud, as all children's poetry should be, your poem has a good cadence
I love the temptations the child offers to induce the dragon to come out of the closet
I also love the fantasy about becoming a baseball star whose card sells for lots of money on ebay LOL
Mom's calling me to eat - capitalize Mom as it's being used as her name in this line
good alliteration in head on home
This is just delightful :-) Brooke
Comment Written 11-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2013
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Gee, thanks. I appreciate your time and tip for improving.
