The Ripple Effect
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Seth at the Races"A couple's tour about England takes many turns....
11 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bill. Excellent chapter here. Very easy to comprehend the plot and your similies are outstanding also. Your "tense" problem appears to be resolved also. Bravo! Sorry, I have been away so long and haven't read your other chapters. I will try though. Take care, my friend. Keep up the good job. Bob
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2013
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Hi, Bill. Excellent chapter here. Very easy to comprehend the plot and your similies are outstanding also. Your "tense" problem appears to be resolved also. Bravo! Sorry, I have been away so long and haven't read your other chapters. I will try though. Take care, my friend. Keep up the good job. Bob
Comment Written 27-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2013
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Bob, All my insight to the tense problem was pointed out by you and that's what did it... thank you, thank you... and the vote of stars.... Bill
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:) Take care, Bill...Bob
Comment from Max Edon
This story was pretty long, but I enjoyed reading it. It was quite informative. The horse race was very exciting. I am glad that Rupert won.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2013
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This story was pretty long, but I enjoyed reading it. It was quite informative. The horse race was very exciting. I am glad that Rupert won.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2013
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Yep! It is a long read, I tried my best to keep it flowing but found no way to chop it... I thank you for taking the time and for your rating... at some point I was considering having only one horse left in race but one sentence built on top the other... was there any place you wanted more?... anyway you take good care and thanks once again... bill
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You are welcome.
Comment from misscookie
I love the artwork that you posted to go with your poem.
for I'm a lover of horses.
Each word you wrote during the race made me feel as if I was there.
you made your chapter come alive. I remember my first race I couldn't believe it was over so fast.Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2013
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I love the artwork that you posted to go with your poem.
for I'm a lover of horses.
Each word you wrote during the race made me feel as if I was there.
you made your chapter come alive. I remember my first race I couldn't believe it was over so fast.Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2013
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I wanted the reader to be there as I am sure all who write do...
you used the word Alive... and I like that because, that's as it should be
bringing you into each movement of air... I do have a tendency to overwrite with detail and hate throwing out what I consider points of view from say a different camera angle.... 3d like
Anyway, thanks for the review and read/rating.... take care misscookie... bill
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Your welcome, never throw anything out. The part you might throw away could be the key part of your write. don't throw away your treasures. I found out when I do It makes me crazy.I write everything that this pea brain gives me with pleasure.
Comment from CR Delport
A very compelling read. I was really rooting for Rupert too :) . I wondered why you kept writing Thoroughbred in capitals and had to google it. Now I have learnt something new today too, besides a lot on horse racing :) . Just one thing that didnt make sense .. you said the story is in England and you say the sun is beyond hot? :)
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2013
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A very compelling read. I was really rooting for Rupert too :) . I wondered why you kept writing Thoroughbred in capitals and had to google it. Now I have learnt something new today too, besides a lot on horse racing :) . Just one thing that didnt make sense .. you said the story is in England and you say the sun is beyond hot? :)
Comment Written 22-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2013
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A few years back, if i recall correctly, England was on fire,I mean it was HoT!... and even if it wasn't it is today in this story... or maybe its freezing I forget??...I actually was trying to figure a way for red pig to win or tie or??? and at one point I had all the horses in a tie , but my first write had only Rupert cross... no one else... Most of the horse race was all wiki facts which i twisted.. I have only been to a few races... Thanks so much for the read and riew and rating... take care.....
I have a lot of trouble with commas and passive and tense stuff... the Capital thing I too looked up......
regards.... bill
Comment from kcross11
I really liked this story, so I'm going to be totally honest about the things that bothered me. Aside from what is mostly mechanics, I think this piece is great. There were good surprises along the way, (like the intro of Merlin. Just when I thought it was going to be all about horses, you threw him in. It was great.)
Most of my issues were mechanic- (If the list seems long, I apologize. It's meant with a sincere desire to help!)
The paragraph-This is a jumping and durability race... track and without obstacles- is actually just one very LONG sentence. Clean up some of those commas. There are several areas in the story where the comma's, and the sentence, just keep going. Like the paragraph starting with..." Glue seems to stick to the hooves" Don't be afraid to make a point by using smaller sentences.
Let me give you a little bit more of a show(,) Seth(,) of what I do.(Only one period.) Rupert in exactly ten seconds (I'd rearrange this to say- In exactly ten seconds, Rupert )will take a bow(.) (T)hen (he will) walk backwards for ten feet and bow again.
It took me a few read throughs to get through what you were saying on the 'Shorts and long skirts are the dress of the day, 'paragraph. Once I figured it out, it seemed out of place to me. The descriptions of the place and what's going on are strong, but does the women's dress really have that much to do with it?
The description of Merlin is split into two paragraphs, which is fine, but it makes it scattered. You talk about his eyes, his hair. Then his clothes, his umbrella and then his skin. Is there some way to consolidate it? If all those details are necessary, then fine. No biggie. But can you make it more organized?
"They're off. (think of an ! here, instead of a . They're away! It's exciting. Make that point.) And their (should be they're) away." Applies to all, as the announcers voice rings out. (This sentence felt awkward. What applies to all? The statement? To whom, the people? The horses?)
I like this part with Susan, when he's talking and "crossing his hand onto his heart," It's a good like and I think it tells us more about his personality. However, I think it should word more as "...deepest," he crossed his hand over his heart.
This line can be much stronger as well- "Rupert just sat there refusing even a trot." How about something all these lines-
'Rupert just sat there, without even a trot.' or 'Rupert refused to run, let alone trot.' Anything to make the words more definitive, and less loose and uncertain.
There were several parts I liked. Susan was very well described. I think you did a great job with Merlin's character- he was very consistent. His dialogue helped define him. The part when Seth meets Susan and accidentally puts in 'breast' instead of 'best' was funny. It added textured to the story, and I liked it.
Overall, you've done really well with this piece. Just pay attention to mechanics, and it really cleans it up and presents it at it's best.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2013
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I really liked this story, so I'm going to be totally honest about the things that bothered me. Aside from what is mostly mechanics, I think this piece is great. There were good surprises along the way, (like the intro of Merlin. Just when I thought it was going to be all about horses, you threw him in. It was great.)
Most of my issues were mechanic- (If the list seems long, I apologize. It's meant with a sincere desire to help!)
The paragraph-This is a jumping and durability race... track and without obstacles- is actually just one very LONG sentence. Clean up some of those commas. There are several areas in the story where the comma's, and the sentence, just keep going. Like the paragraph starting with..." Glue seems to stick to the hooves" Don't be afraid to make a point by using smaller sentences.
Let me give you a little bit more of a show(,) Seth(,) of what I do.(Only one period.) Rupert in exactly ten seconds (I'd rearrange this to say- In exactly ten seconds, Rupert )will take a bow(.) (T)hen (he will) walk backwards for ten feet and bow again.
It took me a few read throughs to get through what you were saying on the 'Shorts and long skirts are the dress of the day, 'paragraph. Once I figured it out, it seemed out of place to me. The descriptions of the place and what's going on are strong, but does the women's dress really have that much to do with it?
The description of Merlin is split into two paragraphs, which is fine, but it makes it scattered. You talk about his eyes, his hair. Then his clothes, his umbrella and then his skin. Is there some way to consolidate it? If all those details are necessary, then fine. No biggie. But can you make it more organized?
"They're off. (think of an ! here, instead of a . They're away! It's exciting. Make that point.) And their (should be they're) away." Applies to all, as the announcers voice rings out. (This sentence felt awkward. What applies to all? The statement? To whom, the people? The horses?)
I like this part with Susan, when he's talking and "crossing his hand onto his heart," It's a good like and I think it tells us more about his personality. However, I think it should word more as "...deepest," he crossed his hand over his heart.
This line can be much stronger as well- "Rupert just sat there refusing even a trot." How about something all these lines-
'Rupert just sat there, without even a trot.' or 'Rupert refused to run, let alone trot.' Anything to make the words more definitive, and less loose and uncertain.
There were several parts I liked. Susan was very well described. I think you did a great job with Merlin's character- he was very consistent. His dialogue helped define him. The part when Seth meets Susan and accidentally puts in 'breast' instead of 'best' was funny. It added textured to the story, and I liked it.
Overall, you've done really well with this piece. Just pay attention to mechanics, and it really cleans it up and presents it at it's best.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2013
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Mechanics... I can dismantle anything... put it back is another story
Hello and thank you for this great review... I did go in and edited some if not all the suggestions you offered...
Yes commas, are a stumbling block for me, and I can be long winded in describing something.
I guess part of me wants to pull you into the weather, and surroundings or description of an character and I get
carried away...
When you mention forced lines or sentences such as in 'Applies to all, as the announcers voice rings out.'
I realized myself that it was forced at the time of write, but left it.
loose and uncertain... i also tend to do that as well
I like these kind of reviews and once again I thank you for taking the time to read and review... Bill
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No thank you! It was a great story, and I'm glad you found it helpful and not offensive. You're a great writer. I have a comma splicing problem myself. :)
Best of luck!
Comment from PoeticXscape
This was quite a lot to take in. I enjoyed the story, expressive wording and emotions used. Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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This was quite a lot to take in. I enjoyed the story, expressive wording and emotions used. Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Hi and thanks for the Long read and rating... I know it was a lot, but did not want to break it up as another suggested, but it seems both you and I were right as your last words were encouraging...'keep up the good work'... I will try... Thanks again... Bill
Comment from Norbanus
Good morning hagar,
I see that you have not forgotten how to concoct a super story, and to present it with the greatest of skill.
They are high strung and spirited just like women shoppers on the day after Christmas sale. (Superb!)
Good to see you my friend,
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Good morning hagar,
I see that you have not forgotten how to concoct a super story, and to present it with the greatest of skill.
They are high strung and spirited just like women shoppers on the day after Christmas sale. (Superb!)
Good to see you my friend,
Comment Written 20-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Thanks Fred.... I've tried to see my writing from a different view and I believe its working.. its to this site and people like you and others who have given their time to helping another fellow writing-nut.... Take good care... bill
Comment from Earl of Oxford
Hi, Bill.
I rarely review prose of more than a couple of hundred words, and this is far too long for me, and I suspect many others, if you want genuine and thorough feedback. In stories/book chapters, I suggest 2500 words max (this is over 5000!). You may gat a few reviewers pretending they've read in detail, and there are a few brilliant reviwers who actually WILL, but at least I'm honest enough to admit I haven't.
This isn't just to grab the reviewing reward, but just to give you a friendly tip.
Friggin hell, your profile pic scares the shit out of me. :-)
Best wishes, Ray
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Hi, Bill.
I rarely review prose of more than a couple of hundred words, and this is far too long for me, and I suspect many others, if you want genuine and thorough feedback. In stories/book chapters, I suggest 2500 words max (this is over 5000!). You may gat a few reviewers pretending they've read in detail, and there are a few brilliant reviwers who actually WILL, but at least I'm honest enough to admit I haven't.
This isn't just to grab the reviewing reward, but just to give you a friendly tip.
Friggin hell, your profile pic scares the shit out of me. :-)
Best wishes, Ray
Comment Written 20-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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I could not make it any shorter, plus I wanted a longer read so as to make your eyes water--- so that my picture would become a blur and appear scary... guess it worked... thanks for the rating and I am glad your bowels are working now...
Regards... bill
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Hahaha!
Comment from Enrique28
I'm not a horse racing fan but, I live near Liverpool, and know a few things about the Grand National. Your superb piece of writing on the subject reflects your knowledge, and the way you portray some of the race goers enhances the read with humour. Good show!
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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I'm not a horse racing fan but, I live near Liverpool, and know a few things about the Grand National. Your superb piece of writing on the subject reflects your knowledge, and the way you portray some of the race goers enhances the read with humour. Good show!
Comment Written 20-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Hi, 1st thanks for reading and reviewing this long chapter... A separate thank you for the six-rating... nice to see...Thank You...
Horse racing chapter ---- had an idea and ran with it then realized 'well if I'm going to write about it.... I'd better know a bit as well... so i studied the National.... was nice....
I think there is a video link at bottom for Red Rum's race.... I too have only been to races a few times... I hope I am getting the phrasing/wording proper in my interpretation of the way those in England speak... i am open for any kind of lines or suggested reading... Thanks again for the read and review.... bill
Comment from Rondeno
What an unusual story! Just a couple of things. The Grand National (no final "s") doesn't use starting gates. The horses merely line up behind a tape, which is raised to start the race. You mention the year in which the steeplechase was first begun, once as 1839, and once as 18??. The second is no doubt an oversight.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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What an unusual story! Just a couple of things. The Grand National (no final "s") doesn't use starting gates. The horses merely line up behind a tape, which is raised to start the race. You mention the year in which the steeplechase was first begun, once as 1839, and once as 18??. The second is no doubt an oversight.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Hi Rondeno... I fixed the [s]part in National... I have read this 50 times for correcting and over looked all... Yes the year I meant to leave trying to add a bit of 'confusion of the moment' whatever it was... the starting gate thing I wrote a long time ago then found out the found it were a tape... and once again over looked a hundred times...Thanks for reading this as I know it was long.... take care... bill