Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Truth Sometimes Hurts"A Boy's Story of the rural South
35 total reviews
Comment from dannyleonn
Fine work!
Rabbit pilfering through the chest of drawers was hysterical. The vision of a young boy discovering a box of condoms, and wondering of their ownership...Oh My!
Enjoying my read.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2013
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Fine work!
Rabbit pilfering through the chest of drawers was hysterical. The vision of a young boy discovering a box of condoms, and wondering of their ownership...Oh My!
Enjoying my read.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2013
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Thanks for working through these. Bill
Comment from TOMORAL
I am chuckling now. Going to the movies and the prices are very familiar to me. I must be a little older because it seems the snacks were cheaper. Excellent writing and I am sorry I am out of sixes.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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I am chuckling now. Going to the movies and the prices are very familiar to me. I must be a little older because it seems the snacks were cheaper. Excellent writing and I am sorry I am out of sixes.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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I'll take a virtual six with a smile on my face. I just read one of your poems. You are very good! Bill
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, bill, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where rabbit finds his grandfather's gun and while playing with it accidentally fires it and shoots the mirror. i enjoyed reading it
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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this is very well written, bill, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where rabbit finds his grandfather's gun and while playing with it accidentally fires it and shoots the mirror. i enjoyed reading it
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Hi Pam - a duplicate for some reason.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Bill. Jeez I sure love your narrative voice in this novel. You strike just the right balance between cocky and innocent. Finding the contraceptive devices in the drawer and wondering who they belonged to? Oh, man, that put a big smile on my face. BTW, I used to have protruding teeth and my sisters loved to call me Beaver. Of course, later on that took on a whole different meaning LOL. Great chapter that I wish I had a six for.
For you to check:
'...Charlie Jose(s)ph's for lunch
Take care,
Bev
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Hi, Bill. Jeez I sure love your narrative voice in this novel. You strike just the right balance between cocky and innocent. Finding the contraceptive devices in the drawer and wondering who they belonged to? Oh, man, that put a big smile on my face. BTW, I used to have protruding teeth and my sisters loved to call me Beaver. Of course, later on that took on a whole different meaning LOL. Great chapter that I wish I had a six for.
For you to check:
'...Charlie Jose(s)ph's for lunch
Take care,
Bev
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Hi Bev - your reply made me smile. Nuff said. Thanks for reading and the great feedback. Regards, Bill
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You're very welcome, Bill.
Comment from Twilightspire
I love this story so much. It's the idiom you have the narrator speak in. It reminds me a bit of Tom Sawyer. It is just such an enjoyable read. The characters stand out and the story is always right here on the page, you never put in too many words, nor neglect them. Keep them coming.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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I love this story so much. It's the idiom you have the narrator speak in. It reminds me a bit of Tom Sawyer. It is just such an enjoyable read. The characters stand out and the story is always right here on the page, you never put in too many words, nor neglect them. Keep them coming.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Thank you for a very kind review. It is much appreciated. I just posted a new chapter. Hope you have a chance to read. Bill
Comment from Sally Carter
Bill I'm going through grief with rating this one. Since I got reviewer of the month, I feel the burden of honesty heavy on my shoulders! As with all your writing, I absolutely LOVE the story. I'm sure you know that already. You must do. I've mentally reserved a copy when it goes into print. But there are quite a few minor editing issues which would need sorting out before this would become a final version. Can I just run through them:
Saturday mornings were always special. My grandma and grandpa always went to town. Usually, they would be taking chickens, eggs or sometimes milk to the Farmers Market. Sometimes I would tag along, but they preferred me going to the movies. -- close repetition of both always and sometimes.
I should be kind since he's my cousin, but there's no way around it. Wesley was weird. --love this! Poor Wesley.
where his hair, in a two inch strip up front was combed up and set with Brylcreem. -- slightly awkward. Maybe just change word order?
I called him Beaver, until his mom told my grandma. She told me to quit. --- haha
All Wesley wanted to talk about and do was ride horses. One look at him and you would know he must be riding rather than walking. -- again a bit awkward. Suggest "do and talk about was riding horses"?
I once asked my grandma why I couldn't go to the movies with Virge. She quit rocking and looked at me before replying, "Well, Rabbit, the theater doesn't allow nigras to sit down where you sit. They have to sit upstairs in the balcony." -- What acceptance. Did people just accept this segregation or were they quietly angry about it? Your grandparent sound such wise, non discriminatory people.
Grandma and grandpa would drop us downtown -- if you are talking about them as specific people rather than just "a" grandma, I think it should be capital G
Wesley always got that cola. I'd get ice water, because I'd want that dime in the theater. -- suggest "the" cola, to avoid close repetition of "that".
That would be followed by a cartoon, a news reel and then the movie(,) which was generally a cheesy scary show or a Western.
whispered, "We could be home riding horses. This movie is dumb." -- I just lost any sympathy for Wesley!
I just elbowed him and said, "Shut Up." -- up. And I wonder whether you might have hissed or whispered or growled or something, rather than just "said".
As I sat there, I kept thinking, my grandpa has a gun that looks like Sheriff Kane's. -- already my heart is sinking... What did you have in mind??
I'm never too tired to go fishing. -- was?
Now I had another mystery to solve; who the heck did they belong to? -- I love the whole of the condom section. Beautifully done!
Love too the whole of the gun section, apart from the sentence, which could be slightly clearer.
right about at what would have been my belly button. -- maybe include the word "level" somewhere?
I bleated, "Did ya'll hear that? It sounded like a gun shot." -- fantastic! Aren't kids wonderful?
"Well, Rabbit, there won't be a movie in your plans for awhile now. I'm going to have to figure out some extra chores so you can pay for a new mirror." -- what amazing, wise grandparents.
I hope I can get my time under control Bill, so I can read these chapters as you post. Somehow I missed 2, but I've bookcased it for future reference. I don't want to go on about it, but I think this could be a remarkable story/autobiography, with very wide appeal.
My best wishes to you
Sal
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Bill I'm going through grief with rating this one. Since I got reviewer of the month, I feel the burden of honesty heavy on my shoulders! As with all your writing, I absolutely LOVE the story. I'm sure you know that already. You must do. I've mentally reserved a copy when it goes into print. But there are quite a few minor editing issues which would need sorting out before this would become a final version. Can I just run through them:
Saturday mornings were always special. My grandma and grandpa always went to town. Usually, they would be taking chickens, eggs or sometimes milk to the Farmers Market. Sometimes I would tag along, but they preferred me going to the movies. -- close repetition of both always and sometimes.
I should be kind since he's my cousin, but there's no way around it. Wesley was weird. --love this! Poor Wesley.
where his hair, in a two inch strip up front was combed up and set with Brylcreem. -- slightly awkward. Maybe just change word order?
I called him Beaver, until his mom told my grandma. She told me to quit. --- haha
All Wesley wanted to talk about and do was ride horses. One look at him and you would know he must be riding rather than walking. -- again a bit awkward. Suggest "do and talk about was riding horses"?
I once asked my grandma why I couldn't go to the movies with Virge. She quit rocking and looked at me before replying, "Well, Rabbit, the theater doesn't allow nigras to sit down where you sit. They have to sit upstairs in the balcony." -- What acceptance. Did people just accept this segregation or were they quietly angry about it? Your grandparent sound such wise, non discriminatory people.
Grandma and grandpa would drop us downtown -- if you are talking about them as specific people rather than just "a" grandma, I think it should be capital G
Wesley always got that cola. I'd get ice water, because I'd want that dime in the theater. -- suggest "the" cola, to avoid close repetition of "that".
That would be followed by a cartoon, a news reel and then the movie(,) which was generally a cheesy scary show or a Western.
whispered, "We could be home riding horses. This movie is dumb." -- I just lost any sympathy for Wesley!
I just elbowed him and said, "Shut Up." -- up. And I wonder whether you might have hissed or whispered or growled or something, rather than just "said".
As I sat there, I kept thinking, my grandpa has a gun that looks like Sheriff Kane's. -- already my heart is sinking... What did you have in mind??
I'm never too tired to go fishing. -- was?
Now I had another mystery to solve; who the heck did they belong to? -- I love the whole of the condom section. Beautifully done!
Love too the whole of the gun section, apart from the sentence, which could be slightly clearer.
right about at what would have been my belly button. -- maybe include the word "level" somewhere?
I bleated, "Did ya'll hear that? It sounded like a gun shot." -- fantastic! Aren't kids wonderful?
"Well, Rabbit, there won't be a movie in your plans for awhile now. I'm going to have to figure out some extra chores so you can pay for a new mirror." -- what amazing, wise grandparents.
I hope I can get my time under control Bill, so I can read these chapters as you post. Somehow I missed 2, but I've bookcased it for future reference. I don't want to go on about it, but I think this could be a remarkable story/autobiography, with very wide appeal.
My best wishes to you
Sal
Comment Written 16-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Hi Sal - thanks for reading and for taking the time to offer corrective input. I really appreciate. I am trying to work this better to submit to a publisher. I made all of your corrections but one, which was more a style difference. Always warm regards, Bill
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Bill, thank you for this most gracious reply. I have upped to a 5 (6 seems unavailable to do this, sadly). Best of luck with the submission in due course!
S
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I ran into the six thing myself. The fact that you considered means a lot to me :)
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
bhogg:
Sometimes there's just no explaining what we just did
or why we did it, is there? And to think of all those
Flash Gordon movies you missed. I wonder if ole Wesley
was mad because he didn't get to go to the movies
because you couldn't go?
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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bhogg:
Sometimes there's just no explaining what we just did
or why we did it, is there? And to think of all those
Flash Gordon movies you missed. I wonder if ole Wesley
was mad because he didn't get to go to the movies
because you couldn't go?
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading Jan. If you asked me as a kid why I did the things I did, my answer would have been, "I dunno".
Comment from Titanx9
It seems Rabbit is pretty industrious, but he's not that careful. This chapter is well-written and gives insight into a few of the characters' character. I look forward to reading how grandpa will punish Rabbit for his misdeeds.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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It seems Rabbit is pretty industrious, but he's not that careful. This chapter is well-written and gives insight into a few of the characters' character. I look forward to reading how grandpa will punish Rabbit for his misdeeds.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and the kind feedback. I appreciate both. Bill
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have a great story going on here.
Brylcreem (I haven't heard this for years. My father used Brylcream, are you sure it isn't 'cream'?)
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have a great story going on here.
Brylcreem (I haven't heard this for years. My father used Brylcream, are you sure it isn't 'cream'?)
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Hi Barbara. I appreciate you reading and I'm glad you like it. I did have to Google Bylcreem. It's been a long time since I've seen it.
Comment from pugdogy
I knew when the gun came out of the drawer there was going to be something other than a good ending. I liked how the grandpa handled this situation, making the boy pay for his actions. this is a good story of the good life that doesn't seem to exist anymore. Good Job!
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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I knew when the gun came out of the drawer there was going to be something other than a good ending. I liked how the grandpa handled this situation, making the boy pay for his actions. this is a good story of the good life that doesn't seem to exist anymore. Good Job!
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and your kind comments. Things have definitely changed and not always for the best. Bill
