Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Rabbit, Chapter One"A Boy's Story of the rural South
49 total reviews
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Bill. Nice to see a book by you! I'm going to enjoy reading along as you have nicely pulled me into your story and characters already. This should be really good! Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Hi, Bill. Nice to see a book by you! I'm going to enjoy reading along as you have nicely pulled me into your story and characters already. This should be really good! Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 07-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Thanks Bev - chapter 2 soon, just got to earn a few FS bucks to post! Warm regards, Bill
Comment from humpwhistle
Well, Bill, I'm settled in for a nice, long, heartwarming story (I think). I love the early reference to Uncle Remus.
And I do believe I have read the nickname 'Rabbit' previously. I believe this is going to be a pure humpwhistle--my term for the truth liberally sprinkled with lies. By the way, I was born in 1951, too.
Bill, I am looking forward to this.
Peace, Lee
It was Summer...
It was March...
Bill, these two seem contradictory, even if they are in different paragraphs. How bout something like:
Back in March, Mom was pregnant again.
eighty-six-year-old
part-time, full-time
Can a bookshelf be 'just starting'?
I like the way you see your bookshelf as progressing left to right--like a page.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Well, Bill, I'm settled in for a nice, long, heartwarming story (I think). I love the early reference to Uncle Remus.
And I do believe I have read the nickname 'Rabbit' previously. I believe this is going to be a pure humpwhistle--my term for the truth liberally sprinkled with lies. By the way, I was born in 1951, too.
Bill, I am looking forward to this.
Peace, Lee
It was Summer...
It was March...
Bill, these two seem contradictory, even if they are in different paragraphs. How bout something like:
Back in March, Mom was pregnant again.
eighty-six-year-old
part-time, full-time
Can a bookshelf be 'just starting'?
I like the way you see your bookshelf as progressing left to right--like a page.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Hi Lee - definitely humpwhistle. Now I'll know what to call it. I'll circle back to your good suggestions. Bill
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Bill, this is a great beginning. Only one thing to look at: farts to when - for when
And I'd consider finding another word for "hot". Summers in central Georgia are way past hot! Can't wait for the next installment. :) nancy
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Bill, this is a great beginning. Only one thing to look at: farts to when - for when
And I'd consider finding another word for "hot". Summers in central Georgia are way past hot! Can't wait for the next installment. :) nancy
Comment Written 07-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading Nancy and for the spot and suggestion. Both are much appreciated. Bill
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, bhogg, you did an excellent job writing this first chapter about the way you met virge and got your nickname, i enjoyed reading this one...
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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this is very well written, bhogg, you did an excellent job writing this first chapter about the way you met virge and got your nickname, i enjoyed reading this one...
Comment Written 07-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and the nice feedback. My muse has been absent for awhile, so trying to get back in things. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from chasennov
What an incredible story! I mean it is very very good, reminds me of myself at that age with my black friend on the farm. His name was 'Geelbooi' (directly translated as Yellowboy) He wasn't yellow at all. His skin was just much lighter in color to other Africans. He also became my best mate. Your story was so well written it flowed like the proverbial mountain stream and I even caught myself whispering your words. Well done. Looking forward to more of your work. Kind regards.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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What an incredible story! I mean it is very very good, reminds me of myself at that age with my black friend on the farm. His name was 'Geelbooi' (directly translated as Yellowboy) He wasn't yellow at all. His skin was just much lighter in color to other Africans. He also became my best mate. Your story was so well written it flowed like the proverbial mountain stream and I even caught myself whispering your words. Well done. Looking forward to more of your work. Kind regards.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and your comments. Loved your the comments. Looks to me like you've got a story hidden in there somewhere. Bill
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You're very welcome Bill, yes, I do have quite a strong story about what I said and if you like you can read the first chapter; 'Faster than a speeding bullet' but my friend features in Book one part two. Kind regards.
Comment from Patti R.
Oh! This is a wonderful write, a terrific story! wow.
Really, I will read the next...you write cleanly, little or no sloppy grammar of misspelled words, smile, this coming from a novice writer, no expert in spag myself, but I do recognize and appreciate good writing. That's how this felt.
So much is genuine, the shimmer in the mirage! The 'mule engineer', 'Mr. Bill, how old you be?' man, this is so smooth.
Loved it.
patti
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Oh! This is a wonderful write, a terrific story! wow.
Really, I will read the next...you write cleanly, little or no sloppy grammar of misspelled words, smile, this coming from a novice writer, no expert in spag myself, but I do recognize and appreciate good writing. That's how this felt.
So much is genuine, the shimmer in the mirage! The 'mule engineer', 'Mr. Bill, how old you be?' man, this is so smooth.
Loved it.
patti
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Thank you for reading Patti and the compliment of the six. We get so few that I'm always humbled. I used to be quite active on the site, but I feel like my muse was on vacation. Your feedback helps in the motivation. Regards, Bill
Comment from rgabel
I was a little torn on this review. Guess I'm still learning the system of rating. This work has a wonderful feel to it. There are some rough spots, as with all of a writers work. But you have captured a time in life that was slow, rich and wonderful. You have a great dialog style. This writing is clean cut, right to the matter, and yet leaves me, as a reader to fill in between the cracks. Giving me just enough of the story to let my imagination do the rest of the work.
The following is only my observations as a reader, since I'm no editor! In my humble opinion the second story should be your opening. The first part was good, but you could trim some more. Your best character here is Virge. Immediately as a reader I found myself drawn to his age old wisdom. I loved your fear of being sent off to become an orphan. In the first part, when you describing why Virge was around, the entire paragraph had sentences started with "he" or "his". Each sentence was constructed the same, I would vary those a little. I do the same thing when I write!
You explained again your age and time period in the second half which was a repeat. As a reader, I picked up on it and remembered.
Earthy, down to earth, home spun tale that I would love to read the rest of. Because of the quality of the work, I felt it needed a higher rating, rather than being pointed down for possibly needing a little smoothing and editing. Good job.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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I was a little torn on this review. Guess I'm still learning the system of rating. This work has a wonderful feel to it. There are some rough spots, as with all of a writers work. But you have captured a time in life that was slow, rich and wonderful. You have a great dialog style. This writing is clean cut, right to the matter, and yet leaves me, as a reader to fill in between the cracks. Giving me just enough of the story to let my imagination do the rest of the work.
The following is only my observations as a reader, since I'm no editor! In my humble opinion the second story should be your opening. The first part was good, but you could trim some more. Your best character here is Virge. Immediately as a reader I found myself drawn to his age old wisdom. I loved your fear of being sent off to become an orphan. In the first part, when you describing why Virge was around, the entire paragraph had sentences started with "he" or "his". Each sentence was constructed the same, I would vary those a little. I do the same thing when I write!
You explained again your age and time period in the second half which was a repeat. As a reader, I picked up on it and remembered.
Earthy, down to earth, home spun tale that I would love to read the rest of. Because of the quality of the work, I felt it needed a higher rating, rather than being pointed down for possibly needing a little smoothing and editing. Good job.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and the constructive feedback. I appreciate both. I'll circle back around with your suggestions in mind. Regards, Bill
Comment from RWThompson
I like the story line and character development very much, and for the most part felt the piece was extremely well written. However, it is my opinion the transition needs to be edited and rewritten. It is somewhat confusing. It reads better to me if you eliminate the paragraph before "How it began", it adds nothing to the story, and the first two paragraphs after "How it began", they were confusing to me. This would produce a much better flow without diminishing the story line.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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I like the story line and character development very much, and for the most part felt the piece was extremely well written. However, it is my opinion the transition needs to be edited and rewritten. It is somewhat confusing. It reads better to me if you eliminate the paragraph before "How it began", it adds nothing to the story, and the first two paragraphs after "How it began", they were confusing to me. This would produce a much better flow without diminishing the story line.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and your suggestions. I did a minimal change which labeled the first as prologue and then substituted chapter 1 for how it began. That is really what I had intended, so hope this will make it more clear. Regards, Bill
Comment from Benjamin Valencia
Hello bhogg. I read your story and at first I thought that this might be non-fiction because it reads like a biography. Your formatting of the story was good which made the story a little easier to review.
I could only spot this sentence as a bump:
but more ((Of)) a lens
Good effort. Good luck with this project. Cheers.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Hello bhogg. I read your story and at first I thought that this might be non-fiction because it reads like a biography. Your formatting of the story was good which made the story a little easier to review.
I could only spot this sentence as a bump:
but more ((Of)) a lens
Good effort. Good luck with this project. Cheers.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading Benjamin and for your feedback. Both are appreciated! Bill
Comment from Slythytove2
Well I did something wrong. I went to the page where someone says they want to become a fan without finishing my review and since I mentioned in my review that I was going to try to get this done. Of course once I push those button I couldn't get back to my review so you may find an other unfinished review.
The book section I just read is great.I await another Chapter(?).
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Well I did something wrong. I went to the page where someone says they want to become a fan without finishing my review and since I mentioned in my review that I was going to try to get this done. Of course once I push those button I couldn't get back to my review so you may find an other unfinished review.
The book section I just read is great.I await another Chapter(?).
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and your kind comments. We get so few sixes that I'm always humbled to get one. Regards, Bill
