Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Rabbit, Chapter One"A Boy's Story of the rural South
49 total reviews
Comment from jean valli
It didn't hook me immediately. The philosophical prologue. After that came a little too much explanation and background, telling far more than showing. I think some of that could have been held off just a bit longer - another page or two maybe?
I'd prefer to see it start with an immediate scene.
I don't feel the names were the best - John, Bill, Bob. Character's names are awfully important. I also like the double-barrelled 'Southern-type' names. Billy-Bob and Jon-Jon... They kind of say, 'Hey, this is the south. This is how we do it.' Of course, nick-names for kids are always good. (My uncle was always called, 'Boy'. I have no idea what his real name was. And remember 'Scout' in 'Mockingbird'?)
I love the south. And I think you really bring it to the page. I felt right there, with Bill and his grandma and of course, Virgil. What a wonderful character. I think you'll be moving right up in the ranking with this novel.
Oh, and well done with the dialogue. Very natural, nice flow and not overdone with the 'local lingo'. Really good. Doesn't stop people in their tracks, make them reread, it moves right a long.
All the best with this one,
Jean Valli
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2014
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It didn't hook me immediately. The philosophical prologue. After that came a little too much explanation and background, telling far more than showing. I think some of that could have been held off just a bit longer - another page or two maybe?
I'd prefer to see it start with an immediate scene.
I don't feel the names were the best - John, Bill, Bob. Character's names are awfully important. I also like the double-barrelled 'Southern-type' names. Billy-Bob and Jon-Jon... They kind of say, 'Hey, this is the south. This is how we do it.' Of course, nick-names for kids are always good. (My uncle was always called, 'Boy'. I have no idea what his real name was. And remember 'Scout' in 'Mockingbird'?)
I love the south. And I think you really bring it to the page. I felt right there, with Bill and his grandma and of course, Virgil. What a wonderful character. I think you'll be moving right up in the ranking with this novel.
Oh, and well done with the dialogue. Very natural, nice flow and not overdone with the 'local lingo'. Really good. Doesn't stop people in their tracks, make them reread, it moves right a long.
All the best with this one,
Jean Valli
Comment Written 23-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2014
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Thanks for reading Jean and for your review. I appreciate both. Bill
Comment from braham20191
Extremely well written. Read Chapter 1 & 2 and looking forward to the rest. Which is more than I can say for quite a few of the others I perused.
Have you been published?
The pace is nice. Love the bit about the boxers. How the American kid roots for the black American while his father wants the white foreigner to win. Nice.
reply by the author on 30-May-2013
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Extremely well written. Read Chapter 1 & 2 and looking forward to the rest. Which is more than I can say for quite a few of the others I perused.
Have you been published?
The pace is nice. Love the bit about the boxers. How the American kid roots for the black American while his father wants the white foreigner to win. Nice.
Comment Written 30-May-2013
reply by the author on 30-May-2013
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Thank you so much for reading and your kind words. One of my pieces will be in a 'Chicken Soup for the Soul, in August. I've been in some papers, but not much more than that. I do intend to polish this one up some and see if I can get some interest. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from JeffreyStone
I want to read more. A really heartwarming and exceptional piece of writing. You take second place to no one, Bill. I am honored by your praise for my work, especially when I see what you are capable of writing.
I seem to recall you posted a short story about Virge a couple of years ago. Am i right?
Best Regards, Jeffrey
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2013
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I want to read more. A really heartwarming and exceptional piece of writing. You take second place to no one, Bill. I am honored by your praise for my work, especially when I see what you are capable of writing.
I seem to recall you posted a short story about Virge a couple of years ago. Am i right?
Best Regards, Jeffrey
Comment Written 01-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2013
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Hi Jeffrey - great memory. I wore a non-fiction piece. A lot of this is non fiction, but embellished. Thanks for your kind words! Bill
Comment from dannyleonn
Not that you need the rating but I thrilled with the introduction to "Rabbit". This is going to become one of my stories, I can tell. I absolutely love your delivery and how each paragraph sings off the page.
Stories like this inspire me to tell my tales in print.
Congratulation on the Book of the Month winning!
BTW, the Tar Baby is one of my favorites too.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2013
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Not that you need the rating but I thrilled with the introduction to "Rabbit". This is going to become one of my stories, I can tell. I absolutely love your delivery and how each paragraph sings off the page.
Stories like this inspire me to tell my tales in print.
Congratulation on the Book of the Month winning!
BTW, the Tar Baby is one of my favorites too.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2013
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Thanks Danny - I hope to see your stories here. People tell me all the time that they don't have anything to write about. We all have stories...
Bill
Comment from Joan E.
Congratulations on your Book of the Month recognition! I think much of what we write is autobiographical. I enjoyed your "lens" metaphor and "bookshelf" simile along with your nine-year-old's observations. Your grandparent's farm and the "mule engineer" came to life for the reader. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2013
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Congratulations on your Book of the Month recognition! I think much of what we write is autobiographical. I enjoyed your "lens" metaphor and "bookshelf" simile along with your nine-year-old's observations. Your grandparent's farm and the "mule engineer" came to life for the reader. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 11-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2013
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Joan - thank you first for reading and then for your kind and generous review. I appreciate both. Bill
Comment from Mrs Jones
I can tell this is going to be wonderful. Fiction based on truth is the best read for me. Nicely written. Flows smoothly. I loved it. I will try to catch up and also not to miss any more chapters.
Very well done
Cheers
Rose
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2013
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I can tell this is going to be wonderful. Fiction based on truth is the best read for me. Nicely written. Flows smoothly. I loved it. I will try to catch up and also not to miss any more chapters.
Very well done
Cheers
Rose
Comment Written 11-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2013
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Thanks for reading Rose and for your kind comments. Bill
Comment from mprsflame
Four stars for the beginning. They'll grow as I read the other chapters. So far it seems quite interesting. I like stories that take place in the south and in the era you have chosen. I look forward to Chapter 2 and the rest of your book.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2013
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Four stars for the beginning. They'll grow as I read the other chapters. So far it seems quite interesting. I like stories that take place in the south and in the era you have chosen. I look forward to Chapter 2 and the rest of your book.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2013
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Thanke you very much for reading. A rating of four generally means that improvements need to be made. I'm on the site to learn, so if you have some specific recommendations, I would love to consider them. Regards, Bill
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I just read my reply to you and apologize because it sounds condenscening. Obviously, if you think it needs improvement, that is your opionion. Perhaps you don't know that the FS site iteself awarded a rating of "seven stars", which is rarely done. It just won story of the month. Regardless, if you see some areas for improvement, just let me know. Bill
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If anyone needs to apologize, it is I. I am so new to this site, to writing, and to giving reviews especially, that I tend to be a bit overcautious. My intention was not to say there needs to be improvement on your writing, but that I was reserving my reviewing (non)skills until I had read more or even after reading the entire story, which I am looking very much forward to reading. Your writing style is excellent, of course, and your storyline is interesting.
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No apology necessary. I usually get enough reviews that getting a low one doesn't really affect anything. There are several posts on the site about reviewing. I'm glad you are on the site. It is a wonderful place to hone your skills. If you ever have a question or concern, just shoot me a private message. I'm glad to help. So many people have helped me on this site. Bill
Comment from jmdg1954
Wow. I pulled this off the web page were it listed you as the book of the month winner. I can see why after I read the prologue and skimmed chapter one. Congrats on the honor...
You tell this story do nonchalantly, I a softball voice that drew me in and captured my attention. It was like I was sitting in a big easy chair watching a movie in black and white.
I'm going back to read chapter one. Looking forward to more.... John
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2013
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Wow. I pulled this off the web page were it listed you as the book of the month winner. I can see why after I read the prologue and skimmed chapter one. Congrats on the honor...
You tell this story do nonchalantly, I a softball voice that drew me in and captured my attention. It was like I was sitting in a big easy chair watching a movie in black and white.
I'm going back to read chapter one. Looking forward to more.... John
Comment Written 10-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2013
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Thanks for reading John and for your extremely kind and generous review. Regards, Bill
Comment from Anthony Crosbie
Well done on book of the month. I absolutely loved this first chapter - the title, the characters, the dialog and the quality writing all come together to create something I thoroughly enjoyed reading. You have a lovely, relaxed style that makes reading this all the better. Fantastic! Archie
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2013
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Well done on book of the month. I absolutely loved this first chapter - the title, the characters, the dialog and the quality writing all come together to create something I thoroughly enjoyed reading. You have a lovely, relaxed style that makes reading this all the better. Fantastic! Archie
Comment Written 10-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2013
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Thanks for reading Archie and for your extremely kind and generous review. Regards, Bill
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2013
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 A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for the recognition this post has received from the FanStory community. While this was not a Contest Committee decision, the committee recognizes this achievement with a seven star review. |
Comment Written 09-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2013
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Thanks for the honor!
