Comment from Maureen's Pen

Good

Hi Sha lini - I really struggled with this one trying to figure it out. It seems disjointed to me.

Your syllables are spot on but the deliverance of the pivot line is strangely out of context and I can't gab its meaning. If there are revisions made I will re-review if you let me know.

Thanks for sharing it. And good luck in the contest.
Maureen

"Clown's nose plum fell down 5
Close to mouth and hide it, when 7
Clown smiles at Pumpkin." 5

 Comment Written 29-Apr-2013

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reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013

Thanks for your review. I would like to ask you to read the author notes, if you find time.

reply by Maureen's Pen on 29-Apr-2013

I always read the author notes when reviewing - They didn't help me in the context of this one.
I'd like to suggest another member who I think is a pro at these formats. I think if you reached out to him or looked at his portfolio it may help you increase your learning on this format.
It is more than just syllable counts - but really he is in my mind one of the best in this style. Also Lovinia would be another member of invaluable wise creations of this format. I hope that helps:) We are all students looking to improve our writing and when I am trying to improve my own work I look at the members here who I can learn from.
Maureen

reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013

thanks for spending your time for me. I would like to try one more time for you. The clown tries to smile at the pumpkin. The plum thinks that the clown is its possession. it also fears that the clown will leave it and have the pumpkin with him. so it falls down and tries to hide his mouth which smiles at pumpkin. i hope, i explained a little bit. because i think i'm responsible to give explanation for my words.

Comment from Treischel

Good

Interesting. Never really thought about that. Guess you have to be a clown to identify. A bit of a stretch for me. That middle line doesn't really make sense to me.

 Comment Written 29-Apr-2013

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reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013

Thanks for your review. The second line says that 'the plum wants to hide clown's smile, so it falls on his mouth'.

Comment from samandlancelot

Excellent

Sha Lini,

Clowns aren't supposed to smile, so I see the plum falling, as it is not designed for a smiling face. I see it so amused at the pumpkin's smile, that it can't help itself, even if it loses its nose.

Not the way you describe it, but that's what I saw before I read your notes.

I like the picture your words painted for me.

Patricia

 Comment Written 29-Apr-2013

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reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013

Thank you so much for your great review and the stars. I would like you to ask you whether it is acceptable or not.

reply by samandlancelot on 29-Apr-2013

Sha Lini,

As a poem, absolutely your work is acceptable. The only thing about adding your interpretation in the author notes is that it can interfere with all that your poem can mean to others that you might not see.

It's okay if some readers miss the meaning. If they ask, you can explain your viewpoint. But your poem can grow if each reader can make it personal for their own minds and lives.

I hope this helps.

Patricia

reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013

Thank you.

Comment from 9999pool

Excellent

The poem gave a metaphor of the plum meets pumpkin fear that sometimes, we can be replaced by others especially when it comes to love affairs of the heart. Doubt and jealousy can kill the only things we hold dear to. So the plum being much smaller and spongy can be easily outweigh and squashed by the pumpkin's weight and size. To pick a fight, choose one size smaller than us.
Good message and a good read too. best wishes.
Cheerio, Ritchie.

 Comment Written 29-Apr-2013

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reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013

Thank you for your great review and the stars. I really like the elaborate explanation for my three lines...

Comment from amahra

Excellent

This poem is really cute. I loved that you didn't feel that you needed a picture to off set it. I loved the red type and thought it was appropriate.

 Comment Written 29-Apr-2013

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reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013

Thank you for your great review, the stars and taking time to read my lines.

Comment from mikenbel

Excellent

This was a funny piece. I really appreciate the description that you added to help us understand.
Good luck in the contest!

 Comment Written 28-Apr-2013

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reply by the author on 28-Apr-2013

Thank you for your review and stars. I wrote it in Dec 2012. Now I share it with all.

Comment from Npenny

Good

I must admit I don't really follow the verse.Perhaps I am missing something. I will read it again a few times, for sure. Usually what I do.

It is a perfect 5-7-5. I do like the imagery.

 Comment Written 27-Apr-2013

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reply by the author on 27-Apr-2013

Thank you for your review. the meaning is given in the author notes.

Comment from donaldww

Good

This poem adheres to the 5-7-5 syllable count required by the contest.
A clown's nose plum fell down. I don't get the point of the poem, and your author notes didn't shed any light on. The plum takes it as a grade?

The poem mixes past tense with present tense. Should stick to one tense.

Cheers,
DW

 Comment Written 27-Apr-2013

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reply by the author on 27-Apr-2013

thank you for your review. Yes, thanks for pointing the words.

Comment from Black_Oxygen

Excellent

Clown's nose plum fell down
Close to mouth and hide it, when
Clown smiles at Pumpkin.

This poetry uses reader-friendly language making it
easy to read. Thank You for your creation.

 Comment Written 27-Apr-2013

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reply by the author on 27-Apr-2013

thank you for your review and stars.

Comment from ravenblack

Good

I follow you as far as the plum nose falling down. Not sure what you mean by hide it - put it in his mouth? And why would a clown be afraid of a pumpkin taking his place? Is it a jack-o-lantern?

 Comment Written 27-Apr-2013

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reply by the author on 27-Apr-2013

Thank you for taking time to read my lines. A clown's nose plum falls from his nose when he tries to smile at a pumpkin. The reason for plum's fall is to hide the clown's smile. The plum fears that the clown might replace the pumpkin for the plum. It could be seen in human life when a person tries to safeguard his place or position or relationship with others.
Hope I explained you. Reply me, if you got it.