Trouble -The Fool I've Been
Dawn demands respect & we learn more about Mitch...47 total reviews
Comment from country ranch writer
men want their cake and eat it too they want what ever they can get and move onto the next gal to see what just deserts she is serving up
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men want their cake and eat it too they want what ever they can get and move onto the next gal to see what just deserts she is serving up
Comment Written 24-Sep-2015
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
My goodness what a tangled relationship web you weave.
The character of Mitch is one clearly identifiable in modern society.
You have woven this character well.
The relationship tangle Dawn finds herself in seems believable and sadly all too common.
I found the dialogue quite realistic and effective in progressing the story.
******
:-) Shirley
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My goodness what a tangled relationship web you weave.
The character of Mitch is one clearly identifiable in modern society.
You have woven this character well.
The relationship tangle Dawn finds herself in seems believable and sadly all too common.
I found the dialogue quite realistic and effective in progressing the story.
******
:-) Shirley
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Dawn,
Another very well written chapter to this book here.
I have read the intervening chapters but I never seem to have the time to adequately review at the moment, let alone write anything!
This is good stuff though that kept me reading and entertained. I love the structure.
G
I didn't want a serious relationship. " - delete space before closing speech marks.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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Hi Dawn,
Another very well written chapter to this book here.
I have read the intervening chapters but I never seem to have the time to adequately review at the moment, let alone write anything!
This is good stuff though that kept me reading and entertained. I love the structure.
G
I didn't want a serious relationship. " - delete space before closing speech marks.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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Thanks so much, Gareth. Chapter 9's announcement never went out. You can find it on my profile page. There have been a whole series of problems with the system and reviving this and I'm getting no help from Tom - a huge disappointment, and SURPRISE because he's usually so good! But I've written over a dozen messages to him, and now there's a NEW problem on THIS chapter - it's not registering the ratings (or reviews, probably, because barking dog gave this chapter a six about half an our ago and it is not on the chapter.)
I'm pretty upset - four days of a LOT of wasted time trying to get the many issues resolved, and member dollars wasted - all that reviewing too. ...sigh...
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day again mate. Well that ended with a bang and not the sort that Mitch was thinking when he phoned I feel LOL. This is powerful stuff my friend, that's the first time I've read an argument on the phone I believe. Great work. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2015
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G'day again mate. Well that ended with a bang and not the sort that Mitch was thinking when he phoned I feel LOL. This is powerful stuff my friend, that's the first time I've read an argument on the phone I believe. Great work. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 05-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2015
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Hahaha - what a great review! Thank you, Fez. I am so very pleased you are following!
Comment from GWinterwin
Another great chapter my friend, poor Dawn can't win for losing. Well of course I'm a man, but I wouldn't have as much tact as you show. I would be telling someone a whole lot more than she does.
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Another great chapter my friend, poor Dawn can't win for losing. Well of course I'm a man, but I wouldn't have as much tact as you show. I would be telling someone a whole lot more than she does.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2015
Comment from Louise Michelle
This is a great line: ...not expecting the winds to blow debris into my face.
I think your protagonist, like so many women, put too much emphasis on the things Mitch said and did that would convince her he'd commit to the type of relationship she wanted, and disregarded the other things he told her.
We all do that to some extent, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
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This is a great line: ...not expecting the winds to blow debris into my face.
I think your protagonist, like so many women, put too much emphasis on the things Mitch said and did that would convince her he'd commit to the type of relationship she wanted, and disregarded the other things he told her.
We all do that to some extent, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2015
Comment from barkingdog
I loved this chapter and wish I had a six. Dawn really showed her anger as well as her vulnerability and confusion as her emotions fluctuated between feeling for David and Mich being physically available.
She seem so alone right now waiting for David to call.
You poem fit in perfectly here and enhanced your prose.
I heard her talking to Mitch:
'To those who want such intercourse, a virgin's easy prey -
sad widows or divorcees really make that scoundrel's day.
It's pure and simple lust, my friend, and reaps no great reward.
In fact, if 'she' is honest she may tell you she is bored.'
Sorry, Dawn. It was a slip of the finger. I didn't mean to upset you.
:) e
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2015
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I loved this chapter and wish I had a six. Dawn really showed her anger as well as her vulnerability and confusion as her emotions fluctuated between feeling for David and Mich being physically available.
She seem so alone right now waiting for David to call.
You poem fit in perfectly here and enhanced your prose.
I heard her talking to Mitch:
'To those who want such intercourse, a virgin's easy prey -
sad widows or divorcees really make that scoundrel's day.
It's pure and simple lust, my friend, and reaps no great reward.
In fact, if 'she' is honest she may tell you she is bored.'
Sorry, Dawn. It was a slip of the finger. I didn't mean to upset you.
:) e
Comment Written 03-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2015
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I don't understand why you would rate four stars, Ellen, when you say you wish you had a six for this chapter...? Mistake? I know you would suggest improvements if you thought it needed them.
Thanks anyway for reviewing.
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It was a slip. I've restored your fifth star. Sorry.
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Whew! I KNEW if you had any misgivings you would tell me! I actually want it to be ready to send out this time, and I know from "Empty Cradle, Empty Arms" just how flippin' difficult it is to do major revision!!! I've posted THAT novel twice, and I'm still not completely satisfied with it. It was, however, my first, so I've just shelved it again for awhile until I can see it with fresh eyes.
Thanks so much, Ellen. :)
Comment from Jay Squires
very fragile ego.Thank God our [Spacing error before "Thank".]
I didn't want a serious relationship. " [Vagrant space after period.]
I wanted to reach through the phone and belt him a good one. [Oh, they're on the phone!!!]
Dawn, I think I've put my finger on what's bothering me about this. Reading my response to the quote above, in my opinion, you have a problem. It's a fixable problem, if you agree it exists.
You are guilty about what is euphemistically called "floating heads". There is no physical action in this chapter. EVERY CHAPTER must have SOME physical action (excuse my caps, but we're limited at italics, etc.)
Prose is a story-line you take a reader on through guided imagery. As corny as it sounds it's like seeing what is happening on your inner eyelids. Dawn and Mitch might have been floating on clouds, rowing down a river, on the top of a mountain, on a desert island. I say "might have been" because you gave me no clue until what I commented above on that they were talking on the phone. And if you weren't talking to Mitch, you were in your own head. Can you imagine going to a movie and when the curtain goes up all there are are people talking?
The solution I said was simple. It is the action you would normally do while on the phone. Smoke a cigarette (if you do), walk across the room (describing briefly as you go), doing deep-knee-bends, in your case, looking for the tissue to wipe your eyes, since the subject is emotional.
I hope I'm making that clear without sounding preachie. It has to be said, though. I have a strong feeling much of your story takes place over the phone or on-line.
If you space action between talk and thought you'll have a tighter, more meaningful drama.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2015
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very fragile ego.Thank God our [Spacing error before "Thank".]
I didn't want a serious relationship. " [Vagrant space after period.]
I wanted to reach through the phone and belt him a good one. [Oh, they're on the phone!!!]
Dawn, I think I've put my finger on what's bothering me about this. Reading my response to the quote above, in my opinion, you have a problem. It's a fixable problem, if you agree it exists.
You are guilty about what is euphemistically called "floating heads". There is no physical action in this chapter. EVERY CHAPTER must have SOME physical action (excuse my caps, but we're limited at italics, etc.)
Prose is a story-line you take a reader on through guided imagery. As corny as it sounds it's like seeing what is happening on your inner eyelids. Dawn and Mitch might have been floating on clouds, rowing down a river, on the top of a mountain, on a desert island. I say "might have been" because you gave me no clue until what I commented above on that they were talking on the phone. And if you weren't talking to Mitch, you were in your own head. Can you imagine going to a movie and when the curtain goes up all there are are people talking?
The solution I said was simple. It is the action you would normally do while on the phone. Smoke a cigarette (if you do), walk across the room (describing briefly as you go), doing deep-knee-bends, in your case, looking for the tissue to wipe your eyes, since the subject is emotional.
I hope I'm making that clear without sounding preachie. It has to be said, though. I have a strong feeling much of your story takes place over the phone or on-line.
If you space action between talk and thought you'll have a tighter, more meaningful drama.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2015
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Wow! You are so right! Thank you! THIS is why I post here, Jay!!!
There was something bothering me about this novella- that's part of the reason I shelved it, and now I know what it was! I owe you HUGELY for this one, my friend - you're a wonderful reviewer, and generous.
I have a whole lot of writing to do again, so you'll pardon me for rushing off - I have already gone back to the last two chapters posted and added a touch, just to get a feel for it.
But Jay - I love this story, and you've saved it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
To those who want such intercourse, a virgin's easy prey -
sad widows or divorcees really make that scoundrel's day.
It's pure and simple lust, my friend, and reaps no great reward.
In fact, if 'she' is honest she may tell you she is bored.
sometimes making love can ruin a good friendship and it's never the same afterwards.
this is perfectly written, Dawn - my talented friend, and deserving of a six, which I don't have, but thank you for the pleasure of reading.
margaret
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To those who want such intercourse, a virgin's easy prey -
sad widows or divorcees really make that scoundrel's day.
It's pure and simple lust, my friend, and reaps no great reward.
In fact, if 'she' is honest she may tell you she is bored.
sometimes making love can ruin a good friendship and it's never the same afterwards.
this is perfectly written, Dawn - my talented friend, and deserving of a six, which I don't have, but thank you for the pleasure of reading.
margaret
Comment Written 03-Sep-2015
Comment from doggymad
Wow, great write. Your dialogue is excellent and portrays the confusion that arises when friendship crosses the line into the sexual realm. Will still look back on other posts though.
Love to Prissy and apologies for the over zealous washing
Freda
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Wow, great write. Your dialogue is excellent and portrays the confusion that arises when friendship crosses the line into the sexual realm. Will still look back on other posts though.
Love to Prissy and apologies for the over zealous washing
Freda
Comment Written 03-Sep-2015
