Eclipse
7 total reviews
Comment from reconciled
Hello you -smile- .....I dont do too many 5-7-5 poems.....but ....I felt this one....yes choices....are whae make up our lives....whether good or bad. love Michael
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2012
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Hello you -smile- .....I dont do too many 5-7-5 poems.....but ....I felt this one....yes choices....are whae make up our lives....whether good or bad. love Michael
Comment Written 23-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2012
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Thank you Michael. I appreciate that you left an honest reply here, for me.
CAT
Comment from rama devi
Hi CAT. Warm welcome to FS. I had read this yesterday but chose not to review it because I did not want to discourage you with a lower rating on your very first post...but since you've requested feedback, I am happy to review it and hope you understand the critique is well intended and I will be happy to re-review and also to amend the rating upon improvement.
The form 5-7-5 is correct for the contest, but it is not haiku, so I think you might consider removing the word haiku from your author's notes. The contest is called 5-7-5 because it does not require all the many rules of haiku form.
Speaking of author's notes...a poem should stand on its own without needing to be explained by the notes. The key to a good 5-7-5 poem is to convey much with few words. using more words in your notes to "explain' the poem means the 5-7-5 syllables did not accomplish this aim.
As for the poem:
The theme is strong and vividly portrayed as well as artistically presented with the artwork choice. However, the poem has room for improvement in a couple of ways.
1) Word economy is of key importance in this style of poetry, so it is optimal to avoid using filler words like THE, or at least keep them to a minimum.
The light on the door
This uses THE twice - both unnecessary. Better mileage can be had on those syllables by choosing descriptive words. Example:
Soft light on closed door
or
shadowed light on door
2) Best to void cliche phrasing like this-
Opportunity knocks hard
3) While for 5-7-5 poetry there is no rule as in haiku, it is best to use enjambement to link at least two of the lines, so there is not a sense of choppiness to the flow and phrasing. in formal haika, two lines will be grammatically linked to convey concrete imagery and then one line will be distinct to convey a commentary (or AHA flash of insight called satori) on the image portrayed.
This is a good third line and woks well distinctly, serving as a commentary style:
Obscure mind answers
I think linking the first two lines would improve this.
"opportunity knocks" is quite cliche and I strongly recommend altering the wording to something more fresh and original.
I like the expressiveness and idea here - and this shows potential but needs fine tuning.
Best wishes,
rd
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2012
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Hi CAT. Warm welcome to FS. I had read this yesterday but chose not to review it because I did not want to discourage you with a lower rating on your very first post...but since you've requested feedback, I am happy to review it and hope you understand the critique is well intended and I will be happy to re-review and also to amend the rating upon improvement.
The form 5-7-5 is correct for the contest, but it is not haiku, so I think you might consider removing the word haiku from your author's notes. The contest is called 5-7-5 because it does not require all the many rules of haiku form.
Speaking of author's notes...a poem should stand on its own without needing to be explained by the notes. The key to a good 5-7-5 poem is to convey much with few words. using more words in your notes to "explain' the poem means the 5-7-5 syllables did not accomplish this aim.
As for the poem:
The theme is strong and vividly portrayed as well as artistically presented with the artwork choice. However, the poem has room for improvement in a couple of ways.
1) Word economy is of key importance in this style of poetry, so it is optimal to avoid using filler words like THE, or at least keep them to a minimum.
The light on the door
This uses THE twice - both unnecessary. Better mileage can be had on those syllables by choosing descriptive words. Example:
Soft light on closed door
or
shadowed light on door
2) Best to void cliche phrasing like this-
Opportunity knocks hard
3) While for 5-7-5 poetry there is no rule as in haiku, it is best to use enjambement to link at least two of the lines, so there is not a sense of choppiness to the flow and phrasing. in formal haika, two lines will be grammatically linked to convey concrete imagery and then one line will be distinct to convey a commentary (or AHA flash of insight called satori) on the image portrayed.
This is a good third line and woks well distinctly, serving as a commentary style:
Obscure mind answers
I think linking the first two lines would improve this.
"opportunity knocks" is quite cliche and I strongly recommend altering the wording to something more fresh and original.
I like the expressiveness and idea here - and this shows potential but needs fine tuning.
Best wishes,
rd
Comment Written 22-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2012
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I thank you with my heart for giving such a detailed review. I will surely work on the first two lines. Once again thanks for clearing my misconceptions. Could you review the 5-7-5 given below,
She stood on the edge
Her mind a careless waterfall
Moment of impulse
The above is the third 5-7-5, I wrote after Eclipse.
I hope I'm not asking too much of a favor. It's just that I really wish to improve.
CAT
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I personally do not mind being asked but the site has a policy against asking for reviews.
Am sending you a PM...
Warm regards,
rd
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She stood on the edge
Her mind a careless waterfall
Moment of impulse
This is good. replacing THE with a descriptive word would improve it. Also, to avoid unnecessary repeat of pronoun She suffices, her is implied without being said.
Also, same advice about caps and punctuationa s offered on the other one:
She stood on cliff's edge
with mind a careless waterfall--
moment of impulse
Comment from BeasPeas
I identify with this haiku. It's a challenge to know if or when we are on the right path and sometimes it isn't evident for a long time into the future. I like the "light" on the door as a beacon for "opportunity" to knock. Sometimes answered by an "obscure" mind, but hopefully a "sure" mind.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2012
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I identify with this haiku. It's a challenge to know if or when we are on the right path and sometimes it isn't evident for a long time into the future. I like the "light" on the door as a beacon for "opportunity" to knock. Sometimes answered by an "obscure" mind, but hopefully a "sure" mind.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2012
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Thank you for such a meaningful review BeasPeas
Comment from Capricorn30
"Opportunity knocks hard"--such a true statement, as your 5-7-5 poem reminds us all of chances we take, and choices we select as our minds cope with decisions--well written contest entry
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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"Opportunity knocks hard"--such a true statement, as your 5-7-5 poem reminds us all of chances we take, and choices we select as our minds cope with decisions--well written contest entry
Comment Written 18-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much Capricorn30 for a wonderful review. Well i just noticed, we share the same birth-date, however I was born in the month of November. :)
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You're welcome:)
We both share a birthday in a cold month, hence, another common factor we share!
Have yourself a great week
Warm regards,
Margaret
Comment from Ekim777
There is some wisdom in your words. Is "A pocket of hope" an adequate image? Hope should radiate like a sunrise. May there always be opportunities beckoning. Don't just let your divisive mind intervene. Be vulnerable. Embrace reality with a new awareness. Make that moment of chance, your fate. -Ekim777
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2012
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There is some wisdom in your words. Is "A pocket of hope" an adequate image? Hope should radiate like a sunrise. May there always be opportunities beckoning. Don't just let your divisive mind intervene. Be vulnerable. Embrace reality with a new awareness. Make that moment of chance, your fate. -Ekim777
Comment Written 13-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2012
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I thank you for opening another window of thought in my mind with your review. To answer your question, "A pocket of hope" merely symbolizes how even such little a hope is sufficient to help us embrace an opportunity. Indeed I agree that hope should radiate like sunrise. However in Eclipse, I've tried portraying that hope even if just a pocketful, possesses a great magnitude of positive energy. Yet we cannot completely rule out the vagueness of our minds while making a choice that could be significantly altering our fates.
I hope you find some wisdom in my words.
Thank you Ekim777
Comment from mystery poet
Wow. This has a most powerful meaning
and the door in the pic speaks volumes
as it shows how quickly opportunities
can get old while new step into place.
Best wishes for the contest!
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2012
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Wow. This has a most powerful meaning
and the door in the pic speaks volumes
as it shows how quickly opportunities
can get old while new step into place.
Best wishes for the contest!
Comment Written 13-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2012
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Thanks a lot for the best wishes and for the 'Wow' ! It means a lot to me.
Comment from prayingpoet
You are so very right in the assumption that all of us face making good choices all our lives. I have many great choices along the way, but many poor ones as well. Great poem, good content and you said a lot in so few words.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2012
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You are so very right in the assumption that all of us face making good choices all our lives. I have many great choices along the way, but many poor ones as well. Great poem, good content and you said a lot in so few words.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2012
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Thank you Janice. I'm glad you could relate to Eclipse.
