When You Least Expect It...
A family vacation interrupted34 total reviews
Comment from Aaron James
Hi
That story illustrated one lucky shot. It was well written and engaging. I was absorbed in the writing and not overly distracted by huge spag issues.
I have little to offer by way of critique except maybe the following:
" "Hey Brent, what in there?" " (what's) I was unsure if this was intentional as it is in dialogue.
""HOLY SHIT!" he exclaimed. "Do you what this is?" (know).
In that sentence you both show the remark was an exclamation with ! and add it as a tag. One or the other would suffice. I find a lot of people overuse this mark. Usually it isn't needed as the dialogue tag explains how something is said.
Other than that an enjoyable read.
Kind regards
Aaron
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
  |
Hi
That story illustrated one lucky shot. It was well written and engaging. I was absorbed in the writing and not overly distracted by huge spag issues.
I have little to offer by way of critique except maybe the following:
" "Hey Brent, what in there?" " (what's) I was unsure if this was intentional as it is in dialogue.
""HOLY SHIT!" he exclaimed. "Do you what this is?" (know).
In that sentence you both show the remark was an exclamation with ! and add it as a tag. One or the other would suffice. I find a lot of people overuse this mark. Usually it isn't needed as the dialogue tag explains how something is said.
Other than that an enjoyable read.
Kind regards
Aaron
Comment Written 01-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
-
Thank you Aaron. I appreciate you pointing out the spags. I've corrected the ones you mentioned and quite of few more. I really posted it before I meant to because I hadn't read over it carefully. I'm so glad you found it enjoyable in spite of the spags.
Beth
Comment from humpwhistle
A very neat take on the contest requirements, Beth.
Very timely, and decidely different from most of the other entries. I'm thinking you may have rushed this to meet the deadline, so I took some notes that may help you.
Best of luck, Beth.
Peace, Lee
...sense the cash register wheels spinning in his brain.'--just a suggestion
'what links someone had gone to'--I'm sure you mean 'lengths'.
'padlock' does not need a cap
Hey(,) Brent
Do you (know) what this is?
...Manhatten(.)
...This is serious(,)"
If you (had) not broken...
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
|
A very neat take on the contest requirements, Beth.
Very timely, and decidely different from most of the other entries. I'm thinking you may have rushed this to meet the deadline, so I took some notes that may help you.
Best of luck, Beth.
Peace, Lee
...sense the cash register wheels spinning in his brain.'--just a suggestion
'what links someone had gone to'--I'm sure you mean 'lengths'.
'padlock' does not need a cap
Hey(,) Brent
Do you (know) what this is?
...Manhatten(.)
...This is serious(,)"
If you (had) not broken...
Comment Written 01-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
-
Thank you Lee, I really appreciate the notes you've left of me. I did go back and make the corrections and I intend to nominate you for the review award because you did go the extra mile.
Beth
Comment from Scribbler67
An exciting and original story from beginning to end. So breathtaking as it reached the final paragraphs, I could hardly read fast enough!
Very atmospheric, with good natural dialogue.
Most enjoyable.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
|
An exciting and original story from beginning to end. So breathtaking as it reached the final paragraphs, I could hardly read fast enough!
Very atmospheric, with good natural dialogue.
Most enjoyable.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
-
Thank you so much for an excellent review. I'm so glad you enjoyed this and found the dialogue natural.
Smiles,
Beth
Comment from Adele Symonds
This is a very good story from start to finish, there is a necessary element of suspense and the findings in the locked room are a surprise. I did notice quite a lot of errors in the technical side of the story though, typos and such, if edited well this would be an excellent short story. It has a good strong message and the main character learnt something through the experience, all valuable points. Just a few obvious ones that you have missed. ...arriveing at the cabin'''(arriving), ... it none of our affair...(it's), ...without a chainsaw,'...(chainsaw.') I have also entered the same competition. I hope you do really well, this is an excellent story. You have done a good clean up job. Mine has errors as well which have been pointed out to me. I will not be editing before the competition has ended though.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
|
This is a very good story from start to finish, there is a necessary element of suspense and the findings in the locked room are a surprise. I did notice quite a lot of errors in the technical side of the story though, typos and such, if edited well this would be an excellent short story. It has a good strong message and the main character learnt something through the experience, all valuable points. Just a few obvious ones that you have missed. ...arriveing at the cabin'''(arriving), ... it none of our affair...(it's), ...without a chainsaw,'...(chainsaw.') I have also entered the same competition. I hope you do really well, this is an excellent story. You have done a good clean up job. Mine has errors as well which have been pointed out to me. I will not be editing before the competition has ended though.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
-
Thank you for the review. I have made corrections and I think I've gotten all of them. Since you didn't point out what you found,I might have missed something, but I don't think so. I do hope you'll go back and change your rating to five.
Thanks,
Beth
