My Life in words
Viewing comments for Chapter 162 "tanka (silent, still, clear)"All of my poems of release.
8 total reviews
Comment from Eliza M
Not a form I am familiar with Jaq, although I've enjoyed reading a few on FS. I really like the sinister atmosphere you create with this one, that despite its calm surface, it disguises hidden dangers. As is often the case, - first impressions can often be misleading! Lizx
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2012
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Not a form I am familiar with Jaq, although I've enjoyed reading a few on FS. I really like the sinister atmosphere you create with this one, that despite its calm surface, it disguises hidden dangers. As is often the case, - first impressions can often be misleading! Lizx
Comment Written 24-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2012
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I wasn't until I came on here Liz, I just like to have a wee go at anything new. :) Jaq x
Comment from mumsyone
Hi,
Nice tanka, with good form, a good pivot line, and good artwork to complement it. Thanks for entering the contest! Good luck in it.
Lois
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2012
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Hi,
Nice tanka, with good form, a good pivot line, and good artwork to complement it. Thanks for entering the contest! Good luck in it.
Lois
Comment Written 23-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2012
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Cheers for your great review Lois :) Jaq x
Comment from sgalletti
Hi! Great concrete imagery and nice juxtaposition and irony. Good pivot line. I do have a few suggestions to make the poem more active tense and take advantage of the "no syllable count" requirement. See what you think:
Second line: "the sea invites us" vs. "the sea looks so inviting"
Third line: Remove "but"
Fourth line: Remove "as"
Last line, enclose "screaming" in commas.
Hope this helps. You decide. Best of luck, Sue
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2012
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Hi! Great concrete imagery and nice juxtaposition and irony. Good pivot line. I do have a few suggestions to make the poem more active tense and take advantage of the "no syllable count" requirement. See what you think:
Second line: "the sea invites us" vs. "the sea looks so inviting"
Third line: Remove "but"
Fourth line: Remove "as"
Last line, enclose "screaming" in commas.
Hope this helps. You decide. Best of luck, Sue
Comment Written 22-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2012
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Have implemented them Sue, I like it. Thanks so much for your helpful and kind review.
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Hi! I like it too! I meant: "...,screaming," but the quotation marks work. Just might be a bit too much obvious punctuation for a tanka, if you know what I mean. Glad you liked the suggestions, Sue
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
This is well written beautiful imagery throughout and very good presentation I enjoyed you have done very well good luck regards Jill
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2012
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This is well written beautiful imagery throughout and very good presentation I enjoyed you have done very well good luck regards Jill
Comment Written 21-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2012
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Thank you so much Jill, always appreciated. :) Jaq x
Comment from Gungalo
That fear is so evident in your writing of this one girl. The tanka is perfect and written beautifully. I wish for you to get over that fear. LOL
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2012
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That fear is so evident in your writing of this one girl. The tanka is perfect and written beautifully. I wish for you to get over that fear. LOL
Comment Written 21-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2012
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Me too Gungalo LOL. Glad you liked it. :) Jaq x
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Smiling at you.
Comment from Spike the second
Ha Jaq
You sound like my dear departed Aunt, whenever she went near water she would jump in. It was a bugger crossing bridges for her. It first happened when she was a child and they rescued her from a local lake.
The poem is brilliant and well worked.
You stand a great chance in the prompt contest.
Best of luck
Spike
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2012
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Ha Jaq
You sound like my dear departed Aunt, whenever she went near water she would jump in. It was a bugger crossing bridges for her. It first happened when she was a child and they rescued her from a local lake.
The poem is brilliant and well worked.
You stand a great chance in the prompt contest.
Best of luck
Spike
Comment Written 21-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2012
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LOL Spike you make me laugh. Thank you so much for your kind review. :) Jaq x
Comment from mruss1
I said I would stop by and my word is very important to me that and being honest:) I have to say this was awesome:) Really loved it as I read the first verse I closed my eyes and imagined the second I was pretty close are words are quite simular. So glad to have met you and I have a 26 year old boy Travis. He still needs to grow up a bit but he's a good kid. Thanks so much for the read it was superb:) Mark
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2012
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I said I would stop by and my word is very important to me that and being honest:) I have to say this was awesome:) Really loved it as I read the first verse I closed my eyes and imagined the second I was pretty close are words are quite simular. So glad to have met you and I have a 26 year old boy Travis. He still needs to grow up a bit but he's a good kid. Thanks so much for the read it was superb:) Mark
Comment Written 21-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2012
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Awwww thank you so much Mark I am glad you liked it. I have one daughter and she is 21 and nearly all grown up ;-) or so she thinks. :) Jaq x
Comment from terry drake
Your poem was short and sweet. Well not sweet. Your poem speaks to the death that can await you in the sea. I would say there are a lot of ways to die there and getting eaten is one of the most terrifying.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2012
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Your poem was short and sweet. Well not sweet. Your poem speaks to the death that can await you in the sea. I would say there are a lot of ways to die there and getting eaten is one of the most terrifying.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2012
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There are indeed many things that await you in the water. I would love to shake my fear of the sea as it always looks so beautiful on a summers day. :) Thanks Terry.