No Such Luck
Revision of an earlier poem145 total reviews
Comment from rod007
Everything you say is true and you say it with simple words but powerful thoughts. I like the phrase "Ladders and black cats are too stagnant to be a bore" Well written. Great job.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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Everything you say is true and you say it with simple words but powerful thoughts. I like the phrase "Ladders and black cats are too stagnant to be a bore" Well written. Great job.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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thank you rod.
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
Agood w rite nad needs no edit it has imagery and flows. THE POEM IS R E FRESHING and is well displayed. Thanks for sharing with me. Mary
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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Agood w rite nad needs no edit it has imagery and flows. THE POEM IS R E FRESHING and is well displayed. Thanks for sharing with me. Mary
Comment Written 02-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2012
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thank you mary.
Comment from GregoryC
Apart from the religious and philosophical content, which are okay in themselves, it's the mechanics that need work. The cadence, and meter are not uniform, and the rhymes are forced (the reader knows what's coming). If you intend to rhyme a poem you must adhear to rules of meter and line length. The stanzas don't match, some are five lines, some six and the last stanza, four! First stanza (1) aabab -choppy (2) is even worse: abacd (no rhyming scheme at all, no meter uniformity (3) abaccb (another jumpy and choppy arrangement) (4) abac (I didn't consider psyche and Might as rhyming at all). You also lose the poetics with lengthy lines which are mismatched and overstated..."Are just the results of an unamused culture's insidious imagination." [you sound angry here and unimaginative to think luck doesn't play some role in our lives. "And pay no attention to what the Irish or the fortune tellers say." Both these lines are examples of too many words - it doesn't sound poetic at all...merely a lot of words strung together when the idea could have been expressed in a more shortened and meaningful way. These words have no impact, no emotion, no expression.
You take on a volatile subject - 'Luck' good luck, bad luck no luck at all...Can you change your fortune with 'luck'?Subject: Does luck exist? What is luck?
Yes, the question is already stated, simply as that. Wherever you go, you will hear this term " LUCK " that people use so casually as if it is something real, something substantial. However, as Kant puts it, things that are possible to our experience are supposed to have a cause and effect. However, this "luck" if possible to our experience and causes thing to happen then what causes luck? What is luck really?
Does this question matter? Can it be proven one way or the other. Maybe. It's metaphysical, but you treat it too seriously and you lose the argument because you can't prove it. Don't tempt providence or the Luck of the Irish...because the Irish will tell you it exists, even if God and Jesus or some deity has a hand in it.
"No Such Luck
If you believe in luck.
Then I feel sorry for you."
...you say in the opening lines. And for those who do believe in luck... you've already established an opinion that is going to offend a lot of readers simply because you're deriding their beliefs..."I feel sorry for you." here you've insulted the fortunetellers and occultists alone! Off to a bad start. Not that it matters.
To many people luck is a word that they have attached to a circumstance where success or failure is brought on by chance rather than actions. It exists because things do happen by chance instead of by action/intention. We have simply coined a word for when that happens. So, your argument falls apart.
And as superstitions go: Superstitions: old wives tales, folklore, bizarre beliefs,taboos, omens, lucky & unlucky things. Some believe, some don't...can you prove they're wrong. Science and religion can go so far, leave the rest to chance.
Work on shortening the lines, reducing the words (make them count) and it will improve the emotional impact whether the poem is a bit of philosophy or blarney.
Gregory
And, by the way, the Four Leaf Clover is an icon to the Irish. It's not a good idea to deflate the image with a 'do not' symbol!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Apart from the religious and philosophical content, which are okay in themselves, it's the mechanics that need work. The cadence, and meter are not uniform, and the rhymes are forced (the reader knows what's coming). If you intend to rhyme a poem you must adhear to rules of meter and line length. The stanzas don't match, some are five lines, some six and the last stanza, four! First stanza (1) aabab -choppy (2) is even worse: abacd (no rhyming scheme at all, no meter uniformity (3) abaccb (another jumpy and choppy arrangement) (4) abac (I didn't consider psyche and Might as rhyming at all). You also lose the poetics with lengthy lines which are mismatched and overstated..."Are just the results of an unamused culture's insidious imagination." [you sound angry here and unimaginative to think luck doesn't play some role in our lives. "And pay no attention to what the Irish or the fortune tellers say." Both these lines are examples of too many words - it doesn't sound poetic at all...merely a lot of words strung together when the idea could have been expressed in a more shortened and meaningful way. These words have no impact, no emotion, no expression.
You take on a volatile subject - 'Luck' good luck, bad luck no luck at all...Can you change your fortune with 'luck'?Subject: Does luck exist? What is luck?
Yes, the question is already stated, simply as that. Wherever you go, you will hear this term " LUCK " that people use so casually as if it is something real, something substantial. However, as Kant puts it, things that are possible to our experience are supposed to have a cause and effect. However, this "luck" if possible to our experience and causes thing to happen then what causes luck? What is luck really?
Does this question matter? Can it be proven one way or the other. Maybe. It's metaphysical, but you treat it too seriously and you lose the argument because you can't prove it. Don't tempt providence or the Luck of the Irish...because the Irish will tell you it exists, even if God and Jesus or some deity has a hand in it.
"No Such Luck
If you believe in luck.
Then I feel sorry for you."
...you say in the opening lines. And for those who do believe in luck... you've already established an opinion that is going to offend a lot of readers simply because you're deriding their beliefs..."I feel sorry for you." here you've insulted the fortunetellers and occultists alone! Off to a bad start. Not that it matters.
To many people luck is a word that they have attached to a circumstance where success or failure is brought on by chance rather than actions. It exists because things do happen by chance instead of by action/intention. We have simply coined a word for when that happens. So, your argument falls apart.
And as superstitions go: Superstitions: old wives tales, folklore, bizarre beliefs,taboos, omens, lucky & unlucky things. Some believe, some don't...can you prove they're wrong. Science and religion can go so far, leave the rest to chance.
Work on shortening the lines, reducing the words (make them count) and it will improve the emotional impact whether the poem is a bit of philosophy or blarney.
Gregory
And, by the way, the Four Leaf Clover is an icon to the Irish. It's not a good idea to deflate the image with a 'do not' symbol!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Thank you for your honesty Greg.
Comment from bonnie composanto
This is a very nicely written poem about superstitions and the truth is to have faith in God and stop wasting time believing in lucky charms. Nice point of view.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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This is a very nicely written poem about superstitions and the truth is to have faith in God and stop wasting time believing in lucky charms. Nice point of view.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Thank you Bonnie.
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you are welcome
Comment from rtoddwatts22
This is an excellent expose on the pitfalls of superstitions. I have to admit that I'm guilty of a few myself, but as your poem defines diligence and unshakable belief will conquer in the end. Very Well Done! Best Wishes, Todd
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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This is an excellent expose on the pitfalls of superstitions. I have to admit that I'm guilty of a few myself, but as your poem defines diligence and unshakable belief will conquer in the end. Very Well Done! Best Wishes, Todd
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Thank you watts.
Comment from 1tmack
This poem is awesome and it is so true. I don't believe in luck, I just live life and allow Jesus to take control of every situation because it is whatever his plan is for our lives. Great Work!
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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This poem is awesome and it is so true. I don't believe in luck, I just live life and allow Jesus to take control of every situation because it is whatever his plan is for our lives. Great Work!
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Thank you mack.
Comment from Deniz22
I feel lucky to have read this! No, just kidding! I agree with you 100%!
My Dad became a Christian when he was 45 years old. He was kind of a tough guy with a tender heart. After he became a Christian and heard someone talk about luck or good luck he would always set them straight!
So your words remind me of him and the greater truth of God's Word! God bless, Dennis
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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I feel lucky to have read this! No, just kidding! I agree with you 100%!
My Dad became a Christian when he was 45 years old. He was kind of a tough guy with a tender heart. After he became a Christian and heard someone talk about luck or good luck he would always set them straight!
So your words remind me of him and the greater truth of God's Word! God bless, Dennis
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Thank you very much Dennis.
Comment from Titanx9
The message in this poem is to give your life and thoughts to Jesus, and He alone will direct your path is an awesome one and is deserving of my last six stars. I believe with all my heart that He is the way and trusting and believing in rabbit feet, charms and other such nonsense is akin to idols whom the Father abhorred throughout the old Testament. Thanks for writing such a cogent and relevant piece.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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The message in this poem is to give your life and thoughts to Jesus, and He alone will direct your path is an awesome one and is deserving of my last six stars. I believe with all my heart that He is the way and trusting and believing in rabbit feet, charms and other such nonsense is akin to idols whom the Father abhorred throughout the old Testament. Thanks for writing such a cogent and relevant piece.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Thank you very much Titanx.
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Justin
I do agree with your conclusion,
"give yourself to Jesus and let Him be in control.
For He is the Lord, strong and Mighty."
Trusting your life to luck and superstition is definitely the poor choice.
I didn't offer five stars mainly because of punctuation and background colour. Better to go with no punctuation than too much, especially periods after sentence fragments.
There were also a couple of lines that could be improved.
"Because you've gotten your mind stuck.
Into a world old fables and folktales that aren't true."
Why not just write,
"Your mind is stuck in fables and folklore."
(or if you want to go after more alliteration)...
"Your feeble mind is frozen in fables and folklore."
The "Irish" may not forgive you for lumping them all into a rainbow's pot.
"And pay no attention to what the Irish or the fortune tellers say."
Your third verse is all over the place. These lines don't fit,
"Because God has created a beautiful scene.
With violets, daffodils, and grasses of green.
Bestowed upon you to celebrate this day."
You seem to paint a picture of the Garden of Eden here, but Adam & Eve got themselves kicked out of that place because of sin. God has blessed us beyond our capacity to even mention. Wild flowers and green grass don't come close to what God has done for us.
If you want real peace, this is what Paul says:
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ." Philippians 4:6-7
"Get those wicked superstitions out of your psyche." It's not the superstitions that are wicked... not even the fortune tellers perhaps. Sin comes when we allow superstition to rule our lives.
Keep writing!
blessings
Kimbob
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Hi Justin
I do agree with your conclusion,
"give yourself to Jesus and let Him be in control.
For He is the Lord, strong and Mighty."
Trusting your life to luck and superstition is definitely the poor choice.
I didn't offer five stars mainly because of punctuation and background colour. Better to go with no punctuation than too much, especially periods after sentence fragments.
There were also a couple of lines that could be improved.
"Because you've gotten your mind stuck.
Into a world old fables and folktales that aren't true."
Why not just write,
"Your mind is stuck in fables and folklore."
(or if you want to go after more alliteration)...
"Your feeble mind is frozen in fables and folklore."
The "Irish" may not forgive you for lumping them all into a rainbow's pot.
"And pay no attention to what the Irish or the fortune tellers say."
Your third verse is all over the place. These lines don't fit,
"Because God has created a beautiful scene.
With violets, daffodils, and grasses of green.
Bestowed upon you to celebrate this day."
You seem to paint a picture of the Garden of Eden here, but Adam & Eve got themselves kicked out of that place because of sin. God has blessed us beyond our capacity to even mention. Wild flowers and green grass don't come close to what God has done for us.
If you want real peace, this is what Paul says:
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ." Philippians 4:6-7
"Get those wicked superstitions out of your psyche." It's not the superstitions that are wicked... not even the fortune tellers perhaps. Sin comes when we allow superstition to rule our lives.
Keep writing!
blessings
Kimbob
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Thank you for the advice flaps.
Comment from Michael Sundaresan
This is a great poem. However I do not understand the ladders and black cats being a "bore". They are mundane perhaps, if that is what you were trying to evoke. I do not know of course; I am hazarding a guess. It is interesting that the superstition of the Irish could be inspiration for a faith-based poem, but you manage to pull it off.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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This is a great poem. However I do not understand the ladders and black cats being a "bore". They are mundane perhaps, if that is what you were trying to evoke. I do not know of course; I am hazarding a guess. It is interesting that the superstition of the Irish could be inspiration for a faith-based poem, but you manage to pull it off.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2012
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Thank you Michael.
