Grandpa T.
a message from beyond71 total reviews
Comment from fictionwriter
Loved, loved, loved this. I bet there are a million stories out there like this that shows our loved ones aren't very far away. Well done. A few nits for you to consider.
"How many times do I have to tell you(,) I did not fall asleep
figured it had to be some kind of bug(,) so I went looking
Quintin blows his nose(,) and when he speaks(,) I can barely hear him.
Quintin('s) face is red(,) and he blinks quickly to keep
My brother blocks my move to punch him in the arm(,) and we
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Loved, loved, loved this. I bet there are a million stories out there like this that shows our loved ones aren't very far away. Well done. A few nits for you to consider.
"How many times do I have to tell you(,) I did not fall asleep
figured it had to be some kind of bug(,) so I went looking
Quintin blows his nose(,) and when he speaks(,) I can barely hear him.
Quintin('s) face is red(,) and he blinks quickly to keep
My brother blocks my move to punch him in the arm(,) and we
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Thank you so much for your awesome review, my friend. I really appreciate the help with the commas, too. I swear they will be the death of me -- comatose, hehehe. I so appreciate your support and insights. Warmrest regards, Bev
Comment from Joy Graham
This definitely gives me the chills. I totally understand messages from across the veil. My brother passed away a year ago and I have wondered when he would come to me. The other night he was finally in my dream. I am still waiting to hear from my cousin. She passed away a year and a half ago. As long as I remember I have received visits or gifts from deceased family members. I love the idea of a ball being with your brother during his swimming.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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This definitely gives me the chills. I totally understand messages from across the veil. My brother passed away a year ago and I have wondered when he would come to me. The other night he was finally in my dream. I am still waiting to hear from my cousin. She passed away a year and a half ago. As long as I remember I have received visits or gifts from deceased family members. I love the idea of a ball being with your brother during his swimming.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Hi, Joy. Thank you much for this very generous and suppoertive review. I really appreciate the time you took to read and offer your insights. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from tinlight
This is a sweet, nicely told story, and the characters seem real and have natural-sounding voices.
Now you need to add impact.
Part of that can be achieved simply by paying attention to paragraph structure. Read out loud what you have written, as if you were relating it to someone, and pay attention to where you naturally pause for the listener to take in the information.
Listen also for "padding" - information that overloads the reader with unnecessary detail and doesn't carry the story forward.
Here is how I would edit your all-important first paragraph and transition to the second:
"Grandpa T's dead, Aggie."
It's just after midnight and the caller is my older brother, Quintin. He and Grandpa T are close as a pair of dice.
My stomach does a flip-flop. ....
So you have a pause after the opening statement to let the reader absorb the seriousness of Quintin's news. Aggie would be pausing too, after hearing this!
A new paragraph gives the necessary detail about the identity of the caller, but ends with the vivid "close as a pair of dice".
The rest of the original paragraph is unnecessary fat that needs to be trimmed: Of course Quintin would be struggling to come to terms with his Grandpa's impending death. "Close as a pair of dice" says it all. The reader already has all the information he requires, without the need to spell out the situation again in more prosaic language.
"My stomach does a flip-flop" is another stiking image that introduces Aggie's emotional state. It moves the story along.
Well, you probably get the point by now, and I don't want to overload you.
This is a highly commendable effort showing you are very much on the right track. Keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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This is a sweet, nicely told story, and the characters seem real and have natural-sounding voices.
Now you need to add impact.
Part of that can be achieved simply by paying attention to paragraph structure. Read out loud what you have written, as if you were relating it to someone, and pay attention to where you naturally pause for the listener to take in the information.
Listen also for "padding" - information that overloads the reader with unnecessary detail and doesn't carry the story forward.
Here is how I would edit your all-important first paragraph and transition to the second:
"Grandpa T's dead, Aggie."
It's just after midnight and the caller is my older brother, Quintin. He and Grandpa T are close as a pair of dice.
My stomach does a flip-flop. ....
So you have a pause after the opening statement to let the reader absorb the seriousness of Quintin's news. Aggie would be pausing too, after hearing this!
A new paragraph gives the necessary detail about the identity of the caller, but ends with the vivid "close as a pair of dice".
The rest of the original paragraph is unnecessary fat that needs to be trimmed: Of course Quintin would be struggling to come to terms with his Grandpa's impending death. "Close as a pair of dice" says it all. The reader already has all the information he requires, without the need to spell out the situation again in more prosaic language.
"My stomach does a flip-flop" is another stiking image that introduces Aggie's emotional state. It moves the story along.
Well, you probably get the point by now, and I don't want to overload you.
This is a highly commendable effort showing you are very much on the right track. Keep up the good work!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from c_lucas
Do the dead visit the living? I've have had too many instances to deny the question.Certain family members, deep in their spiritual beliefs have scoffed at me. So be it. I find your well written story to be very believable. Good job.
Error
no on (one)else but them."
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Do the dead visit the living? I've have had too many instances to deny the question.Certain family members, deep in their spiritual beliefs have scoffed at me. So be it. I find your well written story to be very believable. Good job.
Error
no on (one)else but them."
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Hi, charlie. Thank you for catching that SPAGGIE. And I really appreciate your generous review and sharing your insights with me. I share your beliefs ... and find it very comforting. Warmest regards, Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
Comment from Maureen's Pen
A lovely work that is penned with skill. I got so caught up in this story it seemed my eyes were glued to the screen.
Excellent story, I loved it.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Edit check:
""I hadn't ever (though) of it that way. But what if I fail?""// thought
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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A lovely work that is penned with skill. I got so caught up in this story it seemed my eyes were glued to the screen.
Excellent story, I loved it.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Edit check:
""I hadn't ever (though) of it that way. But what if I fail?""// thought
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Hi, Maureen. Thank you, my friend, for your wonderfully generous and supportive review. And thanks for catching that typo! I always love hearing from you ... Hugs, Bev
Comment from Chrisfiore
Hello Writingfundimension, This was an excellent story. It had just enough dialog and descriptive action to propel the story along. I did note one little typo here:
"Grandpa's T's dead, Aggie."
It would be, "Grandpa T's dead, Aggie." Right?
Otherwise a well crafted story and a pleasure to read.
My best to you. ;) Chrisfiore
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Hello Writingfundimension, This was an excellent story. It had just enough dialog and descriptive action to propel the story along. I did note one little typo here:
"Grandpa's T's dead, Aggie."
It would be, "Grandpa T's dead, Aggie." Right?
Otherwise a well crafted story and a pleasure to read.
My best to you. ;) Chrisfiore
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Hi, Chrisfiore. Thank you so much for your generous and supportive review. And I really appreciate you catching that spaggie! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Bev
A beautifully crafted story - it read almost like biography. The characters entirely real.
I'm staying in a house at the moment that is reputed to have the ghosts of two children! I haven't seen a thing. But one morning I found a pair of my underpants had left a drawer and ended up in a wash basin in the bathroom - I've no idea how?
Pause for spooky music.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Hi Bev
A beautifully crafted story - it read almost like biography. The characters entirely real.
I'm staying in a house at the moment that is reputed to have the ghosts of two children! I haven't seen a thing. But one morning I found a pair of my underpants had left a drawer and ended up in a wash basin in the bathroom - I've no idea how?
Pause for spooky music.
Ron xox
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Thank you so much, Ron. I'm honored by your generosity and words of support for the story. I truly appreciate it.
I'm jealous you're staying in a haunted house. Seems the kids are having a little fun with you. I'm sure they're attracted to your open nature and kind soul.
Xxx Bev
Comment from misscookie
What a wonderful story. I can relate to the closeness of a few loved ones who pased away.
Your story was a dlight to read.You had my attention from the first line to the last.
thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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What a wonderful story. I can relate to the closeness of a few loved ones who pased away.
Your story was a dlight to read.You had my attention from the first line to the last.
thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Hiya, misscookie. Thank you, lovely lady, for your very generous comments and support. I always love to hear from you! Can you tell I've been reading Chicken Soup for the Soul? hehehe
Hugs, Bev
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Yes I got it. ( smile)
Your very welcome, until next time.
Comment from TammyGail
What a read Bev..
it was like a whirlwind of
emotions throughout the read
I must say your last paragraph
was indeed my favorite
thank you ever much for sharing
another touching story
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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What a read Bev..
it was like a whirlwind of
emotions throughout the read
I must say your last paragraph
was indeed my favorite
thank you ever much for sharing
another touching story
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Thank you for the great review, Tammy. I appreciate you reading and your support. You rock! Hugs, Bev
Comment from Flamingbush
This is really neat. I love the way Grampa visits Quintin but Aggie doesn't quite believe it at first. If you see something supernatural, it can be hard convincing people that what you saw was real. I like how you used that concept of the little blue ball to tie it all together. Nice ending!
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reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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This is really neat. I love the way Grampa visits Quintin but Aggie doesn't quite believe it at first. If you see something supernatural, it can be hard convincing people that what you saw was real. I like how you used that concept of the little blue ball to tie it all together. Nice ending!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Thanks a lot, Flamingbrush. I really appreciate you letting me know what you liked about the story. That's always a big help. Thanks for the great review and for stopping by. Warm regards, Bev
