The Eden Tree
Viewing comments for Chapter 76 "Honeymoon Life"A family's need of a miracle is in a Box
3 total reviews
Comment from bowls
Nice to see this reuniting of all the significant characters from your earlier chapters in a different setting. The romance seems to be developing nicely, as well. Take a look at the third paragraph. You've written "how pleasant is AS" instead of Was. Apart from that, looks good!
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Nice to see this reuniting of all the significant characters from your earlier chapters in a different setting. The romance seems to be developing nicely, as well. Take a look at the third paragraph. You've written "how pleasant is AS" instead of Was. Apart from that, looks good!
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Thanks for once again taking the time to read my posts, and spot mistakes. It is very helpful. My first few revised chapters and Synopsis are sent to some agents in hope..:P
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Well I certainly wish you luck with your venture. You've obviously worked long and hard to get your novel to this point and you certainly deserve the recognition it merits. All the best; fingers crossed!
Comment from Sloegin
Nice scene. It oozes friendliness and I'm sure that's what you intended. I recommend a couple of changes to make the verbiage flow smoother.
"Simeon and Joseph, Two brothers residing in Jaffa" (take out, TWO and replace RESIDING IN with FROM)
"Driving Josh to Twemlow Hall, I inquired about his Colonel and colleagues.
"How is Colonel Balak?" I said. "What have you been up to, since we met?" Try, "How is Colonel Balak, and what have you been up to lately?" (no tag needed" if you don't make the change, switch "I said" to "I asked"
All in all a good write.
sloegin
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Nice scene. It oozes friendliness and I'm sure that's what you intended. I recommend a couple of changes to make the verbiage flow smoother.
"Simeon and Joseph, Two brothers residing in Jaffa" (take out, TWO and replace RESIDING IN with FROM)
"Driving Josh to Twemlow Hall, I inquired about his Colonel and colleagues.
"How is Colonel Balak?" I said. "What have you been up to, since we met?" Try, "How is Colonel Balak, and what have you been up to lately?" (no tag needed" if you don't make the change, switch "I said" to "I asked"
All in all a good write.
sloegin
Comment Written 23-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Thanks again for your great words and advice. I have made the changes you suggested. Much appreciated.
Comment from nora arjuna
hi, i didn't spot any technical error, just offering some suggestions:
i thought you needed some commas here:
Dropping them at the train station in Holmes Chapel[,] I emphasized
Wesley[,] too[,] wanted to greet the men
Driving Josh to Twemlow Hall[,] I inquired about his Colonel
Josh thanked me for the question; assured me that Balak was well, reminding me that whilst much of his work was classified, he had been in the USA for a NATO conference and recently in the Embassy in Jerusalem. - this sentence is too long. try to break it up:
Josh thanked me for the question and assured me that Balak was well. He then reminded me that whilst much of his work was classified, he had been in the USA for a NATO conference and recently in the Embassy in Jerusalem.
still, it would be more intesting to put the conversation in dialogues form instead of telling the readers.
The most heart-warming aspect of Josh, introduction was how at ease Wesley was with him. - rather awkward, need to remove the comma this time.
alongside my raven-haired lithesome daughter[,] I caught my wife's eye.
hope those help.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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hi, i didn't spot any technical error, just offering some suggestions:
i thought you needed some commas here:
Dropping them at the train station in Holmes Chapel[,] I emphasized
Wesley[,] too[,] wanted to greet the men
Driving Josh to Twemlow Hall[,] I inquired about his Colonel
Josh thanked me for the question; assured me that Balak was well, reminding me that whilst much of his work was classified, he had been in the USA for a NATO conference and recently in the Embassy in Jerusalem. - this sentence is too long. try to break it up:
Josh thanked me for the question and assured me that Balak was well. He then reminded me that whilst much of his work was classified, he had been in the USA for a NATO conference and recently in the Embassy in Jerusalem.
still, it would be more intesting to put the conversation in dialogues form instead of telling the readers.
The most heart-warming aspect of Josh, introduction was how at ease Wesley was with him. - rather awkward, need to remove the comma this time.
alongside my raven-haired lithesome daughter[,] I caught my wife's eye.
hope those help.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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Thank you for your kind and helpful review. I have made changes, and always welcome your input.