The Eden Tree
Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "A Wedding and a Funeral"A family's need of a miracle is in a Box
3 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
Loved, loved, LOVED the opening paragraph for this chapter. However:"Being of Sandy complexion..." I'm not sure 'Sandy' should be capitalized-? Uh oh, now here's where Im out on a limb, because technically, there's nothing wrong with it, but I think you could find a better way of saying you got sunburned on your feet. e.g. (my words) "One summer my feet looked like----after a day in the sun." (lobster-man)LOL. Spelling-yog(h)urt-no 'h'. Para. 3 - mezmerizing! Para. 7 - sentence might read better if you took out "in" (two days time) and replaced with a colon. My reason - seems a bit of a run-on, but that might be me. (As stated before, please change nothing if you don;t agree it works better!)Para 9 - hilarious little detail about the singer - this is what I like so much about your writing; it's genuinely warm and witty. (Comma after 'door' in the last line?) And the paragraph before it is educational (if correct) and so adds even more interest to the story-line. (Okay,now after all THOSE comments on corrections, still like me as a reviewer? hahaha) Great job, as usual.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2012
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Loved, loved, LOVED the opening paragraph for this chapter. However:"Being of Sandy complexion..." I'm not sure 'Sandy' should be capitalized-? Uh oh, now here's where Im out on a limb, because technically, there's nothing wrong with it, but I think you could find a better way of saying you got sunburned on your feet. e.g. (my words) "One summer my feet looked like----after a day in the sun." (lobster-man)LOL. Spelling-yog(h)urt-no 'h'. Para. 3 - mezmerizing! Para. 7 - sentence might read better if you took out "in" (two days time) and replaced with a colon. My reason - seems a bit of a run-on, but that might be me. (As stated before, please change nothing if you don;t agree it works better!)Para 9 - hilarious little detail about the singer - this is what I like so much about your writing; it's genuinely warm and witty. (Comma after 'door' in the last line?) And the paragraph before it is educational (if correct) and so adds even more interest to the story-line. (Okay,now after all THOSE comments on corrections, still like me as a reviewer? hahaha) Great job, as usual.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2012
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Thanks again for your very encouraging and helpful review. I have made the changes you suggested, except I am still looking for best way to explain sunburnt feet...I had already used lobster, so may have to change that. thanks again for ya help!
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May I make a suggestion? (without having it in front of me, it might not work...but what about "a matched pair of sun-burned flamingoes?" (And Im pleased that you felt I was a help!)
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or just "flamino twins"? :)
Comment from TammyGail
Too bad Wesley had to come knocking
something like that always seems to happen
great work once again, always a pleasure
to read your writing.. I have my little boy
for a few days.. lol he's 4 so I may get behind
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2012
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Too bad Wesley had to come knocking
something like that always seems to happen
great work once again, always a pleasure
to read your writing.. I have my little boy
for a few days.. lol he's 4 so I may get behind
Comment Written 20-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2012
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Thanks again for your encouragement. good luck with the child-minding!
Comment from bowls
Yet another scene of blissful happiness. If I may (and I'm certainly not a specialist in this area by any means)I feel there was tremendous conflict and excitement in the first part of your novel and now everything has been quiet and happy for some time. It does seem to need something more in the way of conflict now to keep the reader anticipating the outcome. In the first paragraph I believe your narrator would use the grammatically correct, "James and I". You've repeated the line, "James was ecstatic..." twice in a row. I look forward to seeing what Becky decides - I guess there is some conflict after all.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2012
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Yet another scene of blissful happiness. If I may (and I'm certainly not a specialist in this area by any means)I feel there was tremendous conflict and excitement in the first part of your novel and now everything has been quiet and happy for some time. It does seem to need something more in the way of conflict now to keep the reader anticipating the outcome. In the first paragraph I believe your narrator would use the grammatically correct, "James and I". You've repeated the line, "James was ecstatic..." twice in a row. I look forward to seeing what Becky decides - I guess there is some conflict after all.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2012
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Thank you for your continuing helpful reviews. I appreciate you pointing out the grammatical mistakes, and also my repeat of the james' ecstatic sentence. I dont know what I would do without you!
Regarding tension, you are correct, there is a bit of a lull. There are a few shocks to come, though, during the wedding and ceremony, so I hope it will even out!