The Eden Tree
Viewing comments for Chapter 60 "Wedding Guests and Preparations"A family's need of a miracle is in a Box
3 total reviews
Comment from bowls
Sort of makes you long to be a prisoner, doesn't it? Seriously, though, this sounds like a great idea. You've picked up this thread of the story nicely. Just a couple of minor things: in the first line Offices does not require an apostrophe and in paragraph five anchor should be anchors. Apart from that, very nicely done!
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
  |
Sort of makes you long to be a prisoner, doesn't it? Seriously, though, this sounds like a great idea. You've picked up this thread of the story nicely. Just a couple of minor things: in the first line Offices does not require an apostrophe and in paragraph five anchor should be anchors. Apart from that, very nicely done!
Comment Written 15-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
-
thanks for your comments. I agree with Home Offices, but amended the other to anchor-chains, as I felt that's what I meant. thanks again for your encouragement!
Comment from TheEntilza
Okay, lemme state first of all that I am writing my review with blinders on. I have no idea who the author of this piece is at time of review, so please abstain from taking it personally.
Secondly, no real SPAGs detected. My main spag nitpick is the redundant use of the word 'secured' in the sixth paragraph. But I'm not even sure if that counts as one. Hehe.
Thirdly, I'm having trouble picking up on a plot line in this chapter. The first half reads like the opening of a story; but the second half reads like a sales pitch to government officials with the details of a past success in new prison design. For example, what does the exact breakdown of the prison staff (guards, cooks, bridge crew, etc.) contribute to the story? That the prisoners rarely have visitors is a good touch of realism; but is the fact that they're only ferried in on Saturdays a foreshadowing?
Admittedly I haven't read any of the previous chapters. Perhaps my concerns are answered there? I apologize if they are.
I did like the irony in naming a prison 'Freedom of the seas.' It has a certain sardonic humor to it that I appreciate. ^_^
I'd also like to state that the whole 'floating prison' idea might not be a bad one to implement irl.
Keep on truck'n! ^_^
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2012
 |
Okay, lemme state first of all that I am writing my review with blinders on. I have no idea who the author of this piece is at time of review, so please abstain from taking it personally.
Secondly, no real SPAGs detected. My main spag nitpick is the redundant use of the word 'secured' in the sixth paragraph. But I'm not even sure if that counts as one. Hehe.
Thirdly, I'm having trouble picking up on a plot line in this chapter. The first half reads like the opening of a story; but the second half reads like a sales pitch to government officials with the details of a past success in new prison design. For example, what does the exact breakdown of the prison staff (guards, cooks, bridge crew, etc.) contribute to the story? That the prisoners rarely have visitors is a good touch of realism; but is the fact that they're only ferried in on Saturdays a foreshadowing?
Admittedly I haven't read any of the previous chapters. Perhaps my concerns are answered there? I apologize if they are.
I did like the irony in naming a prison 'Freedom of the seas.' It has a certain sardonic humor to it that I appreciate. ^_^
I'd also like to state that the whole 'floating prison' idea might not be a bad one to implement irl.
Keep on truck'n! ^_^
Comment Written 14-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2012
-
Thank you for your comments. I value your review, and at final revision I will take a long look at your suggested changes. Regarding "floating prisons", maybe we should franchise it? hehe
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
he'd be an oak,others find shelter (space ater comma)
Usually numbers are spelled out in prose, especially the below 100-your choice of course. I wonder how many prisoners got sseasick??? Good story!!!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2012
|
he'd be an oak,others find shelter (space ater comma)
Usually numbers are spelled out in prose, especially the below 100-your choice of course. I wonder how many prisoners got sseasick??? Good story!!!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2012
-
Thank you for your kind words and helpful advice. I dod keep forgetting to not use numerics!