Are you going to San Francisco?
A plan comes together21 total reviews
Comment from Marieg
Although this is a very short story, I felt the author created the picture in my mind of how the prisoner was feeling. I also felt buy in with the character and wanted him to escape. The mood of the story is dark, I felt the mystery of the tale and was left wishing the story would continue. I dont think you can ask more of a short story.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2012
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Although this is a very short story, I felt the author created the picture in my mind of how the prisoner was feeling. I also felt buy in with the character and wanted him to escape. The mood of the story is dark, I felt the mystery of the tale and was left wishing the story would continue. I dont think you can ask more of a short story.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2012
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from vivicadad
Really nice piece and oh God did you just put a clergyman in a situation he would have never wanted to be. Well, if he was the man he is suppose to be, then it wouldn't have worked. Bravo.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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Really nice piece and oh God did you just put a clergyman in a situation he would have never wanted to be. Well, if he was the man he is suppose to be, then it wouldn't have worked. Bravo.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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Thanks for your kind review.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, vigournet, you did a greatt job wiritng this story about the man who found his way out of every jail. i enjoyed reading it. good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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this is very well written, vigournet, you did a greatt job wiritng this story about the man who found his way out of every jail. i enjoyed reading it. good luck in the contest
Comment Written 08-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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Thanks for your kind words and best wishes.
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
This could be a carbon copy of another review I wrote recently. I hope it serves you well. This was a well-written piece, well-paced and almost believable. The dialogue was pretty good too. The reason I say ''almost believable'' is explained in the author's notes where you say that you ''visited and spent a few minutes in a cell some years ago.'' For me, that's a problem that permeates most of the stuff I see here, as it violates what, for me, is the most important principle of good writing. That principle is ''write what you know.''
Even the most meticulous research or ''visit'' can't hide an aura of superficiality that clings to even the best writing like a slight, faint, but undeniable smell of mildew. There's just something that doesn't ring true here. Having been in jail and spent time there, I can tell you that there's a subtle superficiality to this piece that goes far beyond the more obvious flaws
Listen, it's well written, like I said, so don't get me wrong here, but for me as a writer, that's simply never enough. Technique is just the delivery vehicle. It can be a Rolls Royce, but what would you have it deliver? Canned goods and plastic flowers, or fresh organic produce and orchids? That, my friend, is entirely up to you.
You might want to check out my piece called, THE ELEMENTS OF STYLE on my portfolio. It's a short essay covering this topic in a general way. And if you want to ''visit'' a real jailhouse moment, take a look at my piece A TRIP DOWNTOWN. I think you will see, smell, and hear the difference between a ''visit'' to a make-believe jail, and a fly's-eye view of the real thing from a real-life visitor's perspective.
Hope this is helpful
Good luck.
js
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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This could be a carbon copy of another review I wrote recently. I hope it serves you well. This was a well-written piece, well-paced and almost believable. The dialogue was pretty good too. The reason I say ''almost believable'' is explained in the author's notes where you say that you ''visited and spent a few minutes in a cell some years ago.'' For me, that's a problem that permeates most of the stuff I see here, as it violates what, for me, is the most important principle of good writing. That principle is ''write what you know.''
Even the most meticulous research or ''visit'' can't hide an aura of superficiality that clings to even the best writing like a slight, faint, but undeniable smell of mildew. There's just something that doesn't ring true here. Having been in jail and spent time there, I can tell you that there's a subtle superficiality to this piece that goes far beyond the more obvious flaws
Listen, it's well written, like I said, so don't get me wrong here, but for me as a writer, that's simply never enough. Technique is just the delivery vehicle. It can be a Rolls Royce, but what would you have it deliver? Canned goods and plastic flowers, or fresh organic produce and orchids? That, my friend, is entirely up to you.
You might want to check out my piece called, THE ELEMENTS OF STYLE on my portfolio. It's a short essay covering this topic in a general way. And if you want to ''visit'' a real jailhouse moment, take a look at my piece A TRIP DOWNTOWN. I think you will see, smell, and hear the difference between a ''visit'' to a make-believe jail, and a fly's-eye view of the real thing from a real-life visitor's perspective.
Hope this is helpful
Good luck.
js
Comment Written 08-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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thank you for your kind review and helpful advice. I will certainly take a look at the articles you suggest. My novel is, to a degree, more "what I know" as I have been through having a child with cancer. I feel, though, there will always be in any fiction a writing about what I dont know, whatever research is done. For example my story "Insanity" is written from having "visited" wards, but never been a patient.
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You've got a good point there. Maybe I was a little heavy-handed in my judgement of your work ...I guess I was more talking about writing about what we know on a ''feeling'' level. And since we all feel from the same range of emotions, yes, you're right. I stand corrected. I don't remember what kind of rating I gave your piece with my review, but if it was less than a 5, lemme know. I'd be happy to go back and upgrade it to a 5.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me here. You're quite right.
cheers
js
Comment from Otto Loewi
I loved this story! It seemed to really take-off when he met with the priest. With all of the movies that involve people escaping from prison, it's surprising that no one has used this strategy before. Nice work!
Just a couple things:
In "so The Rock was regarded essential", I think you need an "as" before "essential".
"During your two hours yard exercise"--This sounded awkward to me. I think "two-hour yard exercise" might sound better to readers. Just a suggestion.
Again, nice work.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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I loved this story! It seemed to really take-off when he met with the priest. With all of the movies that involve people escaping from prison, it's surprising that no one has used this strategy before. Nice work!
Just a couple things:
In "so The Rock was regarded essential", I think you need an "as" before "essential".
"During your two hours yard exercise"--This sounded awkward to me. I think "two-hour yard exercise" might sound better to readers. Just a suggestion.
Again, nice work.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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Thank you for your kind words. I have amended the piece, thanks for your advice.
Comment from purrfect tale
This is a really great story. It caught my attention from the start and had me wondering what his plans were. I was rooting for him to escape, so you know I became involved with the character.
Seizing my moment(,) I turned my face towards his
After a short time of caressing and foreplay I grabbed him and(,) using strips of cloth
Blowing into my hands(,) my body language expressed the cold(,)
Carefully(,) I descended the rocky steps
Nervously(,) I stepped into the boat
Powering the diesel motor(,) the ferryman moved
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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This is a really great story. It caught my attention from the start and had me wondering what his plans were. I was rooting for him to escape, so you know I became involved with the character.
Seizing my moment(,) I turned my face towards his
After a short time of caressing and foreplay I grabbed him and(,) using strips of cloth
Blowing into my hands(,) my body language expressed the cold(,)
Carefully(,) I descended the rocky steps
Nervously(,) I stepped into the boat
Powering the diesel motor(,) the ferryman moved
Comment Written 08-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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Thank you for your kind words and helpful grammatical advice.
Comment from janalma
Well written and chilling. I think the guy in the story doesn't need rehabilitating, because it obviously isn't working and never will. You kept my interest well and wrote realistic scenes. Didn't see errors in this, it was tight and well-constructed, I think.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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Well written and chilling. I think the guy in the story doesn't need rehabilitating, because it obviously isn't working and never will. You kept my interest well and wrote realistic scenes. Didn't see errors in this, it was tight and well-constructed, I think.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from skye
I did not see that coming.
Your story is brutal, the con man manipulating every scene, every article, every person.
I went on a boat around the island once, and am glad I never had to step foot inside that ghastly place.
Excellent.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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I did not see that coming.
Your story is brutal, the con man manipulating every scene, every article, every person.
I went on a boat around the island once, and am glad I never had to step foot inside that ghastly place.
Excellent.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2012
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thanks for your kind words. When I visited there were no inmates, but we were encouraged to enter a cell for a few minutes. As you say, it was ghastly!
Comment from jjstar
Holy Crap! I've told other contestants that I cringed every time one of these "cell" entries came up because I didn't want to read 16 different jail cell stories. I was hoping someone would get creative and talk about a different kind of jail cell.
Wow, though, wow! How devilishly brilliant of a story! Sick and twisted, but again, wow....
Excellent job!
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2012
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Holy Crap! I've told other contestants that I cringed every time one of these "cell" entries came up because I didn't want to read 16 different jail cell stories. I was hoping someone would get creative and talk about a different kind of jail cell.
Wow, though, wow! How devilishly brilliant of a story! Sick and twisted, but again, wow....
Excellent job!
Comment Written 07-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2012
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Thank you very much for your words. I am glad that I "wowed" you with my story.
Comment from guinea
Very good story. Alcatraz was a cruel place for cruel people. Your words flowed good. The imagery was good. The picture goes well. Good job.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2012
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Very good story. Alcatraz was a cruel place for cruel people. Your words flowed good. The imagery was good. The picture goes well. Good job.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2012
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Thank you for your words and encouragement.